


An Owl In Flight

by Arcangel19



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Falling In Love, Family, Friends to Lovers, Love, M/M, Oral Sex, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcangel19/pseuds/Arcangel19
Summary: Callum’s life so far had been an unmitigated disaster. Exhausting himself going over the wreckage of his first thirty years, he was left without one good thing that brought him pride. So he was driving through the countryside, leaving London behind, to start again.Ben’s life had run into problems a little under a year ago. Accurately, it had run into problems fifteen years ago and things had come to head a little under a year ago, leaving him to move his family away from London to get more for his money in the countryside.They start their new lives in the same village and it isn’t long before they meet.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 129
Kudos: 136





	1. Running Away

Callum’s life so far had been an unmitigated disaster.

It was almost unimaginable to have faced so much adversity, so many setbacks or to have made as many mistakes as he had. Exhausting himself going over the wreckage of his first thirty years, he was left without one good thing that brought him pride. But even to himself, those thoughts seemed self-pitying and defeatist, and that wasn’t him. He’d taken a few wrong turns, more than a few, that had sent him down a road to nowhere but nobody can stay in nowhere, can they?

So he was driving through the countryside, leaving London behind, to start again.

Perhaps the biggest of his catastrophes was what he had done to Whitney. He’d promised love and safety, a future full of promise and happiness. He’d stripped her bare of her defences, helped her to feel hopeful and then what had he done? He’d stamped on her dreams, smashing them to tiny, shiny pieces of fancy. Thinking about it now, he had to pull over the car, as a fresh storm of tears and regret overwhelmed him. Resting his head on the steering wheel, he tried to match the groom who had jilted his bride, on their wedding day of all days, with what he knew about himself: he was loving, he was kind, he was a good person.

He had set about the relationship with the best intentions. Whitney was like him. She’d had a traumatic life and, although she had family around her, family that Callum had hoped to share, she simply wanted to be loved. He was positive that this was something he could do. They were great friends. He loved her ambition and her creativity, wanting to help her make a success of her clothing designs and achieve her goals, and he was certain that he would not subject her to more strife. He was loving, he was kind, he was a good person. She loved his care of her and his generosity and the way they were so comfortable together, sitting in their pyjamas and bingeing on television, her drinking wine watching him cook, chatting about what was needed from the shops, and tried not to think about the sex. The lack of sex. It should have been a clue for both of them but they were two damaged, broken people who had found kindness in each other. Kindness was all they needed … or so they thought.

Then Callum had a chance encounter, the kind he’d been avoiding, meaningless in one sense as he never saw the guy again, but, in another way, it meant everything. A seedy tryst in a park that he couldn’t stop, hadn’t wanted to stop. He had been through various excuse-laden explanations but, in his heart, he knew why he had done it. He loved Whitney from the bottom of his heart and was absolutely committed to her happiness but in meeting her needs he was not meeting his own.

His brother, Stuart, had urged him to go back, certain that Whitney would forgive him and they could get the show back on the road but Callum knew that was exactly what it was. He’d tried to explain to Stuart.

“I’m gay, Stu.”

Nothing ambivalent about that statement but, still, it seemed Stuart couldn’t make sense of it.

“You’re not going to do any better than Whit, bruv. She’s a diamond, that girl.” 

“You marry her then.” Callum couldn’t help the petulance.

It had only got worse when Jonno turned up. Callum’s insides churned involuntarily at the thought of his toxic father.

“The reason Whit and me never got married, Dad, is because I’m gay.”

Again, his unequivocal message, delivered as unambiguously as was possible, fell on deaf ears.

“Course you’re not!”

Callum started up the car with a heavy sigh. Stuart and Jonno weren’t the only ones who weren’t convinced. Was he gay? Callum thought back to Chris. His fellow soldier was as near as he’d got to having an actual relationship with a man. There had been flirting, disturbing the butterflies sleeping in Callum’s stomach, and touching: a light hand on the small of the back, gentle fingers softly trailing an arm, legs pressed together when space was tight but not moved when room was given. It had been something, almost the only something Callum had ever felt.

So what had he done next? Rejected Chris, of course; he was a born saboteur, wasn’t he? And not kindly, not keeping it between the two of them, but in the ugliest way he could find.

Their unit had been out drinking and there had been a girl, wrecked on booze, a plaything to be toyed with by a bunch of lairy drunkards.

“Come on, Cal. What are you good for?” The memory of those loud, jeering voices was enough to make Callum flinch even now as he drove along the soothing road. He was disgusted with himself over what he had done and would never forget the dismay he glimpsed in Chris’ eyes as he had grabbed hold of the poor woman’s head and kissed her roughly. He could remember the smell of something sweet, strawberries maybe, as he held her. It was everything he could do not to cry.

“What was that about?” Chris had been furious. As soon as he could get Callum to leave the others, he had dragged him away.

“What? I just kissed her. It was just a kiss.” It was a feeble defence.

“No, Callum.” Chris had taken hold of his face then. “This is a kiss.” The sizzling heat, the dizzying confusion and his blazing desire in that moment would be forever etched in his brain. His mind was blown.

“What are you doing?” He was Callum, a walking tragedy, remember. It was predestined that he would walk away from the promise of something good. “Don’t do that. Don’t. I’m not gay, Chris.” Loud enough for everybody to hear; outraged enough for everybody to understand.

“No, course you’re not.” They were the last words Chris ever spoke to him. The boys had shunned Chris, ostracised him, and Callum had colluded with them. Hiding behind pretended macho bravado, he had maintained his cover. Chris was exposed and bore it bravely but, still, Callum did nothing. He was a coward.

Years later, Chris was killed in a car crash and his sister, Vicky, tracked down Callum. She had letters from Chris, written to her, describing his love for Callum, which she gave to him, wanting him to know the depth of Chris’ feelings. She wasn’t to know that she would break Callum’s heart. Chris had seen him as a warm and affectionate boy, with a winning smile and a quest to find joy; he had thrilled in their connection but had completely respected where Callum was on his journey. He had thought Callum wasn’t ready and was happy to be his friend, to wait for him. Callum’s regrets were crippling.

The trouble was that Callum wanted clarity. He wanted it to be binary. Gay. Not gay. Was what he’d felt with Chris enough to be certain that he was gay? Was what he hadn’t felt with Whitney enough of a clue?

There had been signs in his childhood: a crush on a football coach, a stirring when the team captain grabbed hold of him in celebration, a secret teenage obsession with gay porn. The last had terrified him but he couldn’t not look. Callum was a good-looking boy with a huge smile and affectionate manners. Girls loved him. He dutifully smiled at them across the room, danced with them at the disco, kissed them goodnight on the lips. And felt nothing.

There had been even more signs in adulthood. It hadn’t happened often but now and then there would be somebody, a slight smile across a room, a head jerking towards the door. There would be heat, clothes pushed out of the way, frantic scrabbling to get it done, no pleasure, no intimacy. Callum had come to think of it as a form of self-harm. But he was lying to himself. Each and every time he’d wanted it and then he’d obliterated it from his memory so that he felt nothing.

Pulling into a petrol station, he got out of the car and ran his fingers through his hair, smiling benevolently at the young woman filling her car who was smiling at him. He truly had no idea how attractive he was. If she’d hit him over the head with a sledgehammer of romantic interest, he wouldn’t have realised. In his mind, he was celebrating that somebody had smiled at him in a petrol station. Had that ever happened in London? He thought not and the small instance boosted his optimism momentarily.

In the small shop, his eyes were drawn to a small chocolate bar, a Caramac. He hadn’t seen one in years and it jangled a memory somewhere, so he bought two. Back on the road, he munched his confectionery, and his thoughts drifted back to his last ill-fated conversation with Stuart.

“I want to find mum.”

“What? Why?” Stuart had been shocked and straightaway insisted that Callum gave up the idea. That wasn’t going to happen.

“I know she left when I was six, which means you were twenty. You had your whole childhood with her.” Callum’s belief was that this signified that their mum had left him not Stuart and he wanted to find out the reason.

“What?” Stuart was obviously confused. “She left when you were six? Where did you get that idea?”

“I remember it. Dad sat me down and said she was never coming back.” Callum watched Stuart’s face move from appalled to resigned.

“Callum. When I was fourteen, I went into care. You know this. Dad was a drunk. Mum gave me up. Callum, listen up. She’d just had you and she gave you up as well. You went into foster care.”

“No. I remember when I was six and Dad said …”

“Yeah. When you were six, Dad got you back. Me being in prison after that gave him a wake-up call and he straightened himself out. For a while. Decided he wanted you home. It took him ages to get you back and, well, we both know it didn’t last, don’t we?”

Callum and Stuart had sat on the bench together but alone in their thoughts.

“Mum’s gone Callum. She never wanted you. You need to let sleeping dogs lie.”

Callum had to pull over the car again as the distressing recollections sent him into another spiral of despair. His weeping brought up a memory of that time and he remembered now that his dad had given him a bar of Caramac to console him.

“She’s never coming back, Callum. Here, have this.”

She never wanted him. It was replaying in Callum’s head and the chocolate was making it worse. The parking layby had a litter bin and he went to throw the sweet away. The scent of countryside hit him then; he could smell the trees, the grass, the wild flowers. It was a wonderful, clean smell and, for the second time that day, Callum felt hopeful that this move might be good for him. He took a moment to look around him. He was at a high point and could see for miles in every direction, fields and farms, in the distance the spire of a church and what looked like an old-fashioned windmill. The bright, blue sheet of sky lay over the landscape and Callum watched a pair of large birds with tails forked into two sharp triangles as they floated on the air currents high above him. He resolved to find out what kind of birds they were and couldn’t help smiling to himself: he was moving to the country and taking up bird-watching. It was all new and maybe he could reinvent himself.

He was moving to Edenfield, a large village about a fifteen minute drive from the nearest mainline station into Liverpool Street. It was only forty-five minutes on the train. Thinking of it like that was helping him manage his worry about leaving his hometown behind. He’d been saving all his life and when his plans to put his money into buying a home for him and Whitney were brought to a calamitous end, he’d looked to move away. Whitney had family all around her who now hated Callum. The vitriol had been hard to take but he deserved it so he took it on the chin. But the hardest thing for him was that his own friends were appalled with him and had all turned away from him to support Whitney. Even Stuart had not been on his side. He’d never felt so lonely in his life and he was a man who’d had a very lonely life. Perusing auction sites, trying to find a good investment property, he came across the Edenfield Book Shop, a small retail unit with a first floor one bedroom flat.

All his life he had loved reading. It was an escape into other worlds, some of them even worse than his own, some very much better, others incomparable. He would roll new words and poetic phrases around his mind, enjoying the feel of them, wondering how a mind had created something so clever and beautiful. From a young age, he had copied out especially appealing excerpts and would reread them frequently, keeping this treasure safely hidden under his bed because Jonno hated him reading. His dad wanted him outside, playing football, being a lad, which, to be fair, Callum did very well. The playing football bit more than being a lad. As a child, he’d never owned a book and couldn’t risk Jonno finding out about a visit to the local library but he was a prolific user of the school library.

“Please don’t tell my dad that I like reading.” He’d pleaded with his year three teacher to keep his secret and hadn’t needed to explain further as she seemed to understand immediately what he was saying.

“Between me and you, Callum.” She had supported his reading habit without a word to his dad.

He’d done well at school and had ideas about going to university but Jonno and Stuart had a different plan. They wanted him to enlist in the army, to pay homage to his dead grandad, a completely unreasonable piece of emotional blackmail.

“It’ll make a man out of you. Grandad would be proud.”

Looking back was like an out of body experience, with Callum unable to recognise or remember the boy who had gone along with this.

As he drove into Edenfield, he experienced a sharp stab of anxiety. In bidding on a property he had never seen, he had done precisely what buyers are advised not to do. There were few other bidders and Callum had got it for a bargain, so what was he going to find here?

Edenfield was a large village with a lot of amenities: shops, a café, two pubs, various places of worship, a primary school and a garage. Callum drove past The Royal Oak and thought it looked like a nice pub as he glimpsed people through the windows, laughing over a drink. He’d examined a map, though, and the nearest pub to him would be The Red Fox. He imagined that he would sit in the pub by himself, an outsider observing village life. That was okay with him. He wasn’t ready to make friends.

Turning into Church Hill, he spotted the butchers on the right, established 1923, and the small supermarket on the left, definitely more recent. The houses were mainly medieval, painted a variety of pastel colours, with a mix of clay tile roofs and thatch, some with patterns carved into the plaster. Callum knew from his building details that this was called pargetting. He turned into Traps Hill and quickly spotted his new home. The Book Shop. Negotiating the tight turn that led him through an archway between his shop and a house next door, he parked his car at the end of a small garden under a decidedly rickety car port. As he got out, he seized the wooden posts and shook them to check that the whole structure wasn’t in danger of collapsing on top of his car. It seemed sturdy for the time being although it did occur to him that his disturbance may have brought it down and maybe he shouldn’t have done it with his car underneath.

There was a back door, painted blue some time long in the past, half glazed, and Callum surveyed the keys that he’d picked up that morning. There were only two. Might one of them fit that door? He pushed open a broken, wooden gate and made his way down the overgrown, weed-infested garden, his sights firmly set on the dilapidated door. The first key he tried opened the door and, with some trepidation, he went inside.

The door opened outwards revealing a wide corridor with a toilet and washroom on one side and a kitchenette on the other. Both were revoltingly dirty and were seriously in need of an upgrade. The tiles on the floor were cracked and there was clear evidence of rising damp. At the end of the corridor was a spiral staircase to the first floor and another door which led into a small shelved room. It was windowless and dark in there and Callum flicked the light switch. He didn’t expect it to work so wasn’t disappointed. This room led into the shop.

Callum’s eyes widened as he looked around. There were handsome, wooden bookcases lining the walls, all full to capacity with books. He hadn’t expected to find books. His delight quickly turned to concern as he remembered the damp in the back room and he dropped to his knees and scrabbled around the bottom shelves. After half an hour of removing books and feeling backboards, he was satisfied there was no damp in the shop. Yet.

What he did find was a large number of mice skeletons and poison scattered around. Despite being relieved that the books hadn’t been shredded through the rodents’ digestive systems, he felt a moment of sadness for the extinguished colony.

The shop was a large room that had been achieved by knocking down all of the internal walls of the downstairs rooms except for that of the storeroom; the kitchenette and toilet corridor were part of a single storey extension and Callum could see that the stairs had been removed from the middle of the building and relocated at the back. Alarm bells were ringing in his head. Had any of this passed Building Control? The sagging ceiling suggested maybe not.

Tentatively, he mounted the narrow staircase, trying to ignore the ominously loud creaking and the distinct sensation that it was moving. As he reached the top, he had to push through a curtain of cobwebs and almost fell back down the stairs when a large spider came out to tell him off. The staircase emerged in front of a set of French doors in the back wall of the building. Callum peeked briefly outside but decided to explore the inside first.

There were just three rooms upstairs. Whoever had owned this place had been intent on removing walls. The front room overlooked Traps Hill and the pargetted side of a building that had its frontage on Church Hill. The repeated geometry of the pattern was mesmerising and Callum stood for a while examining it, letting his mind drift into a daydream about making this a wonderful home. The reality was that the windows were tiny and there was a strong sense of gloominess and he was beginning to appreciate why nobody had wanted this place. The front room was large however and the kitchen was reasonably modern. Always the optimist. There was a bathroom in between the front room and the back room, no shower but the hugest bath Callum had ever seen. The back room was also large, although a significant amount of space was taken up by the staircase. He could see that the rear window had been replaced with the French doors and knew for certain then that no building inspector had visited this house. The French doors opened onto the flat roof of the extension, not a rail in sight. He stepped out nonetheless, charmed by what he could see. After the car port, a stream could be glimpsed, glittering and gleaming in the afternoon sun, beyond which was a farmer’s field rising up to an old windmill. It was undeniably pretty and peaceful.

His building was a wreck but Callum knew, if he had seen it before the auction, he would have bought it just for the books downstairs and this view. It was just right.

+++

Callum had planned to use his remaining funds to keep him going until he got his business going. Very quickly, he realised that just about every penny was going to be spent renovating his building. Thankfully it wasn’t listed.

It was clear to him almost immediately that he was generating a fair amount of village intrigue. London was a city of eight million people and nobody ever asked what you were doing; Edenfield was a village of three thousand people and absolutely everybody wanted to know his plans.

“When are you reopening?”

“Will you stock children’s books?”

“Are you pulling down the back extension?”

“Are you extending out the back?”

“Will you still do coffee and cake?”

That last question was a surprise to him. He hadn’t known that the previous owner had offered this and, if he was honest, it appealed to him. Cooking was one of his hobbies and the thought of spending part of his evenings baking was comforting.

Unfazed that The Royal Oak was the more popular pub – everybody told him so - he ventured into The Red Fox and made his first Edenfield friend in the landlord, Mick Carter, a cockney like Callum. They bonded over a love of West Ham and the East End although neither of them was so nostalgic they wanted to move back. Callum had imagined that he might sit in a corner observing life; instead he became a regular, sitting on a stool at the end of the bar. Mick was the same age as Stuart and Callum came to see him as an older brother. He got to know Mick’s wife Linda and their six year old Ollie and was often invited for meals.

The Carters weren’t the only friends Callum made. There was a Bed and Breakfast opposite The Red Fox pub and Callum moved in for a couple of weeks while the bulk of disruptive building work took place, getting to know the owners Jay and Honey. They were a lovely couple and Callum quickly found that they were easy company. Honey had two young teenagers, Janet and Will, from a previous relationship and Callum liked to chat with them as well. They had also moved out from the East End, deciding on a fresh start after their relationship had caused problems with Honey’s ex-husband who had once been a father figure to Jay. Honey was still annoyed by the commentary they’d had to endure.

“Nobody ever mentioned the age gap between me and Billy, but everybody and his pot plant had something to say about me and Jay.” Why not a pot plant instead of a dog? Callum was drawn to Honey’s gentle warmth and was keen to reassure her.

“I don’t know Billy, of course, but you and Jay give off a great vibe.”

After that comment, Honey almost asked him if he would like to find love but there was something a bit broken about Callum and she didn’t want to raise painful memories for him.

Callum hadn’t imagined he would find friendships in his new life and was relieved that none of them had asked many questions about his former life, unaware that they had all picked up that he was carrying a sadness that he wasn’t ready to put down and unpack. There was a lot of talk in the village of a tall, handsome man taking on the book shop but his new friends felt instinctively protective of him and wanted to keep certain factions away from him so they told them to mind their own business.

Watching from the sidelines, sitting on a table in the corner of The Fox observing village life was another relative newcomer, Ben Mitchell. The village was mainly populated by people who’d lived there or nearby forever but there was a significant number of people who’d moved out of London. The Carters, Jay and Honey, Callum were amongst these. Ben was another.

He watched the new guy effortlessly fit in with people. Ben was guarded, careful, untrusting; he didn’t find it easy to chat to strangers. Watching Callum smile and laugh, he sipped his beer and wondered if it would be so hard to wander up to the bar and join in with the conversation. With a jolt, he realised he had stopped concentrating while he was musing and the new guy was looking straight at him, catching him staring. Then he smiled and Ben felt something stir inside. It was a small smile, Ben offered one back and the moment was over as Callum returned his attention to Mick.


	2. Leaving Things Behind

Ben’s life had run into problems a little under a year ago. Accurately, it had run into problems fifteen years ago and things had come to a head a little under a year ago.

His childhood was a tale of two halves. First half: loving mother, laughter, songs and dancing. Second half: abusive father, criticism, confusion and pain. Should he blame his mum for leaving him? Deep down, he did. It was seven years since she had returned and Ben reminded himself daily to forgive her and allow her to do better. Everybody deserves a second chance.

His teenage years had been a tumult of terrifying turmoil. Clear memories of his ten year old self came to mind; he had been so joyful. But a soft boy, keen on twirling and whirling, was not going to survive in the Mitchell household. He had wanted so badly to meet his criminal dad’s expectations but he’d had to sacrifice almost all of himself on that altar. It had taken more than a decade to gain that grudging respect, then, chortling over their sick deviousness, the love gods had sent him a policeman.

A year ago, he had been living in his dad’s house with his daughter, Lexi, her mother, Lola, and his boyfriend, Sam. Nothing there that should have been a problem except that his boyfriend was a cop and his dad was a villain - so of course it hadn’t worked. His dad was now in prison with a ten stretch ahead of him and Sam was being a good little copper somewhere on the south coast having wreaked havoc on the Mitchell family.

Discovering that his dad had debts that necessitated the sale of the house, Ben was faced with moving his little family into his half-brother Ian’s house where his mum, Kathy, and Ian’s two sons lived. Ian was the white collar version of Ben’s dad, Phil, and had gone into hiding when the full extent of his self-serving, duplicitous and thieving behaviour was exposed, including stealing from Kathy, double-crossing his business partner, trying to snitch on Ben and Phil, and, worst of all, having had a hand in the tragic death of Ben’s other brother, Denny. Literally everybody despised Ian and some of this local hatred transferred to his family, making all of their lives very difficult. However, moving into his house seemed like a plan to Ben until it was revealed that Ian had got himself into a financial hole and his house was to be sold leaving Kathy and Ian’s two sons as homeless as Ben, Lola and Lexi. A radical solution was needed for everybody.

Phil had given Ben a business, a local garage, when he was twenty so that he could make his own way in life. To Ben’s eternal despair, Phil continued to use the place as a headquarters for his dodgy deals and expected Ben by his side; the promised independence had been a myth. With Phil out of the way, this move had been a chance to get away from all of that. He sold his garage as well as his share in a used car business and bought the Edenfield garage and a barn newly converted into a home. There was so much more bang for the buck outside London. The Edenfield garage was in the heart of the village and had a workshop twice the size of The Arches, his old business in East London, plus a large yard outside where he kept the ancient tow-truck that came with the business. The barn was a little way outside the village in a small hamlet locally known as The Cross as Ben’s barn (imaginatively called The Barn), a farmhouse and three other homes were all arranged around a crossroads. The Barn was stunningly beautiful and Ben had to continuously pinch himself that it was his.

Kathy, and Ben’s nephew, Bobby, moved with them; his other nephew, Peter, stayed put in London, moving in with his girlfriend. Kathy sold her café and her bar, put a substantial amount aside for her retirement and bought a new build on the edge of the village on a small, mixed development. She didn’t regret the move for a minute. Bobby was struggling with anxiety and OCD and, since moving, she noticed a relaxation in his symptoms. As his grandmother, all she wanted was for him to be well and happy and this move had been good for him. It had worked for her as well as she became great friends with her neighbours, something she had not expected. If she’d known retirement was going to be so much fun she wouldn’t have worked into her seventies.

The Edenfield garage turned out to be a thriving business and Ben was relieved to work out that he could keep on Keegan, his nineteen year old apprentice mechanic. He had been worried that, if the profit margins were tight, he might have to do all the work himself but, also, he didn’t want his introduction to the village to involve laying off an enthusiastic youngster. The young lad was good company, with a lively sense of humour, a joy of life and a constant stream of chatter. Ben grew fond of him very quickly. He wasn’t generally talkative but it didn’t matter as Keegan talked enough for the two of them and frequently made him laugh.

“My dream car would be a LaFerrari. In red, obvious but it’s got to be, doesn’t it? What about you, Ben? I bet you’re a classic car man. That old git that lives up at The Old Hall, he’s got a bunch of them. One of them’s a Jaguar, e-type. She’s a proper beauty. Can see you driving her, Ben. Your little Toyota doesn’t suit you.” Ben raised his eyebrows at that - the little Toyota was Lola’s. He’d never owned a car in his life. Keegan misunderstood the questioning eyebrows. “You’ve got style. Swagger – and I’m saying that as a black dude.” Keegan laughed loudly, making Ben smile.

Working in Edenfield saw several changes to Ben’s work habits. First of all, he closed for lunch. Every day. Only the co-op stayed open at lunch; all of the other shops closed. Unfortunately, Ben had nobody to meet for lunch and nowhere to go. It seemed to him that the café in the village was just for old people and women who didn’t work; there was a reality to the term ‘ladies who lunch’ that became apparent to him. The Royal Oak pub was frequented at lunchtime by the boisterous school mums set and the young crowd; definitely not his scene despite only being twenty-five. There was also The Red Fox. He liked it there but, not wanting to appear sad and lonely, he decided to go home for his lunch.

The second change was that nobody was ever unhappy with him about the work. If it ran over, that was fine, understandable even; life was busy after all and you never knew what was going to come up and demand your attention – that was the general philosophy anyway. If he found an extra problem, his customers would fall over themselves with gratitude that he’d found it before it became a problem for them. If he, or more commonly Keegan, created a problem, as long as they prostrated themselves apologising and promised to put it right, it was always generously forgiven. When it came to paying, though, his customers were just as slippery as their London counterparts; the difference was that it was no longer acceptable for Ben to threaten them.

The cars were different as well. Older for sure - it seemed to be a badge of honour to have a fifteen year old car with upwards of a hundred and fifty thousand on the clock - and lots of four wheel drives. Ben was to learn why when winter came and the roads became either flooded or as slippery as an ice rink, soon discovering that rescuing people from ditches was a significant part of his winter work. He got an HGV licence and worked on the tow-truck bringing it up to a good working condition, developing an extraordinary pride in the old girl. She was the only vehicle he owned after all.

They had moved to Edenfield in the summer so that Lexi could start the school year in her new class. In the blink of an eye it was December and Ben and Lexi went to a local Christmas tree plantation to select a twelve foot high tree to stand in front of the full height window in the living room of their barn. Ben’s default Christmas mood had always been more Scrooge than Bob Cratchit but he felt a frisson of excitement when they put up the ridiculously huge tree. This place was changing him.

As the dark nights shortened and the weather started to warm, Ben resolved to get himself out and about a bit. He decided to go to The Fox a couple of nights per week.

The first evening he went in, Mick greeted him warmly.

“Alright, mate. What can I do you for?”

Ben smiled, comforted by the East London twang, and ordered his usual bottled beer. It was the last time he would have to ask. On every subsequent visit, Mick would hold up the bottle and Ben would nod, take his drink and find a table out of the way. Ben was a good judge of character; the few friends he had in his life were well suited to him but even he recognised that he needed some more and he liked Mick. The landlord was clearly itching to find out more about Ben but he even more clearly respected his privacy. Ben understood that it was his move but wasn’t sure how to make it; he’d never been very good at being friendly. It was something of an impasse. There was also a couple that he saw quite often in The Fox, a skinny, young guy and a beautiful woman, probably a bit older; they looked like they might be interesting. Maybe they could be his friends.

Of course, there was a randy gay in the pub. A suggestive look across the washbasins in the toilet told Ben everything but he modelled heterosexual horror and the man skulked away.

Ben wasn’t bothered about the lack of physical intimacy in his life. His heart had been torn in two with the breakdown of his previous relationship. Sam and he had lived together and they had been in love. It had always been doomed, though, always, and Ben looked back unable to comprehend how he had imagined that he could make it work. The heart wants what the heart wants – it was the only explanation. Inevitably the conflict between Sam and Phil came to a head. Ben had already pulled away from his dad’s business as he wanted to show commitment to Sam; he didn’t want to put Sam in a difficult position at work. Sam’s DI didn’t care about that and was determined to use Sam’s relationship with the Mitchells to bring down Phil. Sam had not refused, he had not fought hard enough to protect their relationship and Ben had felt, still felt, betrayed. He could not be with someone who had lied to him, who had set out to entrap his dad and been instrumental in him going to prison. It was unforgivable that his boyfriend had put his job before Ben but, in the end, it was Sam who had been unable to forgive Ben his criminal past.

Ben’s criminal exploits had been many and varied; he had done a large number of less than legal jobs for his dad, nothing terrible but wrong all the same. Going further back, he had been in juvenile detention twice; once, to his everlasting shame, for manslaughter. He was never going to be able to purge his history; all he could do was live his present life differently. Unable to bear the thought of his daughter, Lexi, finding out the extent of his wrongdoings, he needed to establish a strong history of a good life before this happened.

Lola and he wanted something different for Lexi, something that was untainted by criminality, and this move had been all about that. Ben had seen the garage in Edenfield come up for sale and had driven up to have a look at it. The small estate agent in the village had just received instruction about a newly converted barn; Ben was able to view it that day and submit an offer. He drove back to London a little dazed at the speed of events but certain that Lola would be happy with his choice even though she hadn’t wanted to choose with him.

“Ben, I’ve got nothing to contribute money-wise and, one day, we’ll meet people and life will change. This is your house. I’m going to be your lodger. Just not paying any rent.”

Lola had been a looked-after child - a badly looked-after child as the care home where she’d lived showed no care at all and she slipped into truancy, shop-lifting and a myriad of anti-social behaviours without anybody to rein her in. Ben knew her from school and sometimes he wondered how as she had never been there.

It had been nine months now since they had all moved. Ben went between his garage and his house and The Fox, spoke to Keegan and his customers, but made no other connections. Kathy was concerned about him. She knew he had a prickly exterior and was wary of strangers but, to her, he also seemed careworn and unconfident. He might believe he was fine on his own but she saw the hopeful friend in him. Lola told her that he went up to The Fox sometimes in the evening and she was surprised he hadn’t connected with at least some of the locals.

Ben was concerned about exactly the same thing and was tumbling it over in his mind as he sat drinking his beer watching the new guy chatting easily with Mick. Should he and Lola have bought somewhere to live in the village so that they were interacting more with people? It was only a ten to fifteen minute walk to their house, though. Surely that wasn’t too far. Lexi had made friends easily at school and frequently had friends home and walked down to her friends’ houses; the distance was nothing. Lola had also made friends at the school gates so she was included in nights out and pub lunches. Was it just him? But he was in the pub just the same as the new guy so he should be able to join in just as easily as him. Maybe he should befriend him. He seemed open and friendly. Surely it wouldn’t be that hard.

He continued to watch the new guy talking about football with Mick, thinking that it was a shame he was straight as he was exactly Ben’s type: tall with a strong, athletic build with a bottom and thighs shown off to perfection in his extremely snug jeans. But it was his eyes that did it for Ben when they briefly made eye contact. They were warm and experienced. Ben wanted to know his story.

Later, he trudged home from the pub. He’d grown to love the walk home. He listened to the call and reply of the owls and kept alert for the silent swoosh that accompanied an owl in flight. He loved to see it.

There was never any traffic on the road, or any pedestrians for that matter. Occasionally, a startled deer leapt out of the undergrowth but that was as much company as Ben ever got. He didn’t mind. It was the greatest surprise to him that he liked the countryside. It had been Lola’s idea that they move away from London, comprehensively endorsed by Lexi, and to say that he had resisted would be an understatement. But it had been an inspired move. He continued along the silent lane, breathing in the peace, the sense of existing in the here and now.

Lola was still up when he got in watching some reality TV programme. She muted the sound and smiled at Ben as he walked in, slung off his coat and came to sit on the sofa with her.

“Who was in the pub tonight?”

“It was quiet. Me. The new guy. A table full of regulars.”

“What new guy?”

“I don’t know, do I? Just know he’s a new guy because the first time I saw him was a few weeks ago.”

Lola turned on the sofa next to him, her eyes bright with excitement.

“Tall, dark and handsome? Wears very tight jeans.”

Obviously Ben had noticed the jeans, emphasising the guy’s figure and … other parts of him.

“Yeah … I guess.”

“I bet it’s the guy who’s bought the book shop. Oh my god, the mums at school are in a complete lather about him. Wait until I tell them where he spends his evenings. They’ll be out of The Oak and straight down to The Fox.”

That was Ben’s idea of a nightmare.

“Don’t do that, Lo. He’s obviously chosen The Fox because it’s quiet. Give the poor bloke some peace.”

“I’m telling you he’s not going to be able to avoid them. He opens his shop next week with a new children’s section I’ve heard. They’ll be queueing up.”

Ben surveyed her energised body language and her sparkling eyes. He hadn’t seen her this way in a while.

“Someone for you, Lo?”

“I haven’t even clapped eyes on him. Anyway, I don’t know if I can be bothered competing with Stacey Slater and her lot.” She scuttled up to sit close to Ben and he put an affectionate arm around her. “I love living here.”

“Me too.”

“But we’re not meeting people, you know, people who we could start something with.” She looked up at Ben, a cheeky glint in her eyes. “You’re not going to be the only gay in the village.”

Ben already knew he wasn’t the only gay in the village. There were committed couples, confused boys, men hiding in marriages, lewd men in pub toilets. He could see them. Could they see him? He was aware that the outside view was that he and Lola were a young couple with a daughter, a view that was causing him some conflict. Was he getting back in the closet? One of Lexi’s friends had made a comment about the fact that he and Lola had separate bedrooms and, after that, they made sure their bedroom doors were always closed as though it was important to perpetuate the myth.

“To other people, it looks like we’re together. Look at us, Lo, if someone was walking past right now and staring in at us, they’d think we were together.” He tightened his hold making sure she understood that he didn’t want to let go. His love for Lola was deep and true … just not sexual.

It would be easy to jump on the train, go into London and find a warm body for the night but Ben had set his sights higher since Sam. Sam had introduced him to the thrilling intensity of emotions that came with adoring someone and being devoted to their happiness. He wasn’t Ben’s first love; that accolade belonged to another who had been taken from him before they’d had a chance to grow their love. But Sam had awakened Ben’s heart. Having an exclusive partner did mean there was no exhilarating chase with the amazing sex that often followed – Ben had spent a couple of years before Sam indulging in glorious one night stands - but, in its place, was the knowledge of another person and their knowledge of you. The sex had been much better than anything you get with a stranger.

“What are you thinking about?” Lola could feel Ben’s breath hitching.

“Sam.” The admission was made sadly and she gently cupped his cheek.

“He would have you back, Ben. In a heartbeat.”

Ben knew differently. The breakup had been unbearably painful but it had also been honest with both of them speaking their truths. Sam didn’t want to be connected to criminality in any way; it was a deal-breaker for him. He loved Ben but he wanted to leave and get over him. It was this certainty, that he could and would get over Ben, that had ended it.

“If you love someone, really love someone, then you would never let them go, nothing would ever be more important than them, you would move heaven and earth to be with them.” As he spoke these words, Ben finally understood that Sam had not been enough for him, not the other way round. “Listen to me, Lo, with my hopeful heart. Am I going to find the elusive big love?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But you’re only twenty-five and you’ve got time. I’d definitely keep looking.” Lola’s aspirations were different. She was self-sufficient, wanted to be self-sufficient, and wasn’t looking for someone to complete her. She’d become a mum at sixteen and had witnessed the freedom and fun that her friends were having, were still having, and, although she loved Lexi to bits and would never be without her, she wanted to be twenty-five and be like other twenty-five year olds. Ben and Lexi, Kathy and Bobby, some friends to laugh with on a night out and maybe a sweet lover or two or more along the way was what she wanted. Her unspoken hope was that when Ben found his one true love, that man would love her like Ben did and they would still be a family.

“Right. I’m off to bed.” She kissed Ben as they always did. He smiled at her as she left, a smile that faded as soon as she had gone. Thinking about Sam had brought him down and now all he could think about was how lost he was. The Arches had been gifted to him from his dad so all of this, his new business and his beautiful home, were founded on ill-gotten gains. There was no way that he and Lola could have started again without it but there was a part of him that would have liked everything to be clean and straight. The only thing that made it alright was that it was for Lexi, so that she could have a different childhood to him and Lola.

Suddenly, a shadowy form outside swooped across the tall window. Ben sat up swiftly. An owl. Reaching across, he switched off the table light and resumed his sitting position. The window reached right up to the top of the building and displayed the night-time vista, dark trees backlit by a gibbous moon, a barely visible landscape that stretched down to the river and up again to the windmill, seen only as its white boards reflected the moonlight. This was a different place and he could be a different person. And that person would be the person he wanted to be.

+++

Callum was intrigued by the quiet man in the pub. He’d seen him a few times, sauntering into the pub, boots that meant business, jeans that hugged him perfectly, tight t-shirts that showed off his broad chest, a leather jacket that was impossibly sexy. He was the kind of guy that made Callum certain that he was gay.

The quiet man was an observer and Callum wondered what he thought of everybody. His instinct was that he would be a strong judge of character. It was interesting to Callum that Mick didn’t chat with the man. He didn’t exactly avoid talking to him and they obviously had a connection, it was more that Mick was waiting for the man to step forward and allow that conversation to happen. Was the man shy? Or was he private? Hiding something? Callum was intrigued.

Unable to stop himself from looking over, he saw the man looking directly at him but in an unfocused way as though he was thinking about something else. Then, those bright eyes sharpened and Callum realised he had been caught staring. What could he do but smile? And there was a hint of a smile back which transformed the quiet man’s face into something rather lovely. Callum felt his heart flutter and quickly turned away, covering his fascination by engaging Mick in a trivial conversation, all the time hoping desperately that he hadn’t given himself away.


	3. Starting Again

Exactly as Lola had predicted, there was a queue at The Book Shop when Callum opened its doors for business and, much to his frustration, it was a queue of people interested in him rather than his books.

“Maybe I should write a biography and stick it in the window. You lot all have the same questions.” It was uncharacteristically short-tempered of him but he had just been asked about his personal circumstances for the umpteenth time by yet another of the school mums, a loud woman called Stacey Slater, part of a large, equally noisy, local family, who all seemed to be hanging around his shop. Heaven only knew what would happen when … if they brought in their children.

“What would it say? Any juicy details?” She fluttered her long, false lashes at him and smirked in what she apparently believed to be an alluring way. Even Callum didn’t mistake her attempt to flirt with him.

“Callum Highway, East London native, likes to read and cook and keep himself to himself.” Callum smiled tightly at her and turned away, internally hellishly irritated. He did NOT want to be subjected to flirting from every single woman in Edenfield.

Callum had placed a sofa on the far side of the shop for his customers to enjoy sitting and reading and it was here that Stacey and her cousin Kat plopped themselves. They were too late to have staked their claim on either of the small tables he’d placed for people to enjoy their coffee although that hadn’t stopped them from trying to aggravate the occupants of the tables into leaving. When their unpleasant behaviour hadn’t worked they had taken up their position on the sofa but, finally free of the rest of the unwanted attention, Callum wandered over, determined to get rid of them.

“It’s a reading sofa. What might you be interested in reading?”

Kat nudged Stacey.

“Ooh a READING sofa. What does it read, Callum?” The two women fell across each other, snorting and sniggering.

“Oh, you mean us. Maybe Fifty Shades? Get some ideas …”

Callum shook his head, deliberately ignoring the salacious way Stacey was licking her lips and the rising nausea from his stomach.

“I don’t have it. I can order it in if you like.” He stood in front of them expectantly until they started to squirm a little.

“Well, come on Stace, places to be and all that.” Kat struggled to get up from the sofa and Callum gave her a hand which she held onto for a little too long, and then he was forced to repeat the process with Stacey. As far as he was concerned, it constituted harassment and he wanted these two women to leave.

“Ooh handsome and chivalrous.” The cackling pair left the shop, side-eyeing Callum as they went. He closed his eyes in exasperation and heaved a deep sigh. If either of those two ever bought a book from him, he would wear false eyelashes himself.

By lunchtime, his shop was empty and Callum returned to his task of cataloguing the stock that had been left in the shop when he bought it. Most of the books were unused so he was able to put them out for sale in the shop but one of the bookcases had been full of second-hand books. This particular bookcase was double depth with some large tomes on the bottom shelf, huge old reference books rendered obsolete by the internet, but on the upper shelves, the used books sat in front of other old books. He had already found one rare book amongst these; selling it was going to keep him afloat. A couple more and perhaps it wouldn’t matter so much that selling new books wasn’t going to feed and clothe him. The world of rare books was completely new to him and he was finding it fascinating, spending hours on the internet and learning more and more with every foray; realising that one of his books was worth something brought an addictive thrill but it was the germ of an idea of searching for rare books that was catching at his imagination. Could this be a way of making money?

He was delighted with the results of the building work even if it had meant he’d had to eat beans on toast for a month. The rear extension had been pulled down and the original external wall was re-instated and damp-proofed along with the stockroom and a new toilet. The spiral staircase was removed and a straight staircase installed next to the stockroom. The new staircase landed upstairs outside the bathroom and, although it didn’t start in the same place downstairs as the building’s original staircase, it ended in the same place upstairs, and suddenly the first floor made a lot more sense. It also released a lot more space in the bedroom with clear access to the French doors with the beautiful view, so Callum had a balcony built that went across the back of the house, with the additional effect of creating a covered veranda in the garden. Both spaces were furnished with outdoor furniture and quickly became his favourite parts of his home. The garden was small and it had not been that difficult to overhaul, revealing small shrubs and ornamental trees aside a brick path that wound calmly down the plot. Visiting the local garden centre, he bought lots of flowering things, stuffing them in every free space. It looked amazing. It was a simple pleasure but one of the highlights of his day was his morning coffee on the balcony if the sun shone, on the veranda if the rain fell, surveying his tiny Eden.

In the shop, pillars had been needed to give the building structural integrity and Callum built bookcases around these. The shop had previously been a large, empty space flanked by books; he learned that the previous owner had filled it with café tables. In his opinion, the pillar bookcases made it seem more like a bookshop. His intention was to have only a couple of tables and to serve coffee and cake – the new coffee machine and the fridge in the stockroom were installed and ready – but he was more interested in having seats for people to sit in and read. He filled the pillar bookcases with children’s books, sensing that this might be a key market for him.

All the mums on opening morning had come without their children but he wondered if he would get different people in the afternoon who would perhaps bring their children.

He was right. Straight after school, his shop was full to bursting with eager children and their accompanying adults. The bookcase pillars were perfect allowing several children to browse simultaneously. Focusing on being charming, Callum made sure everybody got the attention they wanted. The women were much less forward than those earlier in the day and he relaxed.

Lexi had come with a list and waited impatiently for Callum to be free. Lots of the other mums were willing to be pushy and made sure their children were attended to early but Lexi knew well that if she asked her mum to do that, she would get short shrift. So, as soon as Callum turned towards her and Lola, she was ready and waiting and stepped forward confidently, commandeering him to assist her.

“Hi, I’m Lexi, Mr …”

“Highway. Nice to meet you Lexi. But please call me Callum. You’ll make me sound like a school teacher if you call me Mr Highway.”

Lexi didn’t know what was wrong with that so she ignored his comment.

“Okay.” She remembered it was rude to say ‘whatever’. “I have a list.” She handed over her list and Callum scrutinised it. “I can’t buy them all today, Callum, but I thought, if I made a list, you could make sure you have them for when I can buy them.” Callum was entranced not just by Lexi but by her list. There were several books on there that he had loved as a child. This was very obviously a child who loved reading and he decided there and then that there was going to be a Lexi shelf in his stockroom so that he always stocked what she wanted.

“It’s a wonderful list, Lexi. I have lots of these and I WILL get the rest. Are you buying a book today?”

Lexi looked at the petite, blonde woman by her side and Callum worked out that this was mum.

“Can I buy a book today, Mum?” The mum waited for the manners. “Please?”

“Yes, I’ll buy one for you today and Dad said he’ll buy one when he comes in with you. The rest you’ll have to save up for.” With a charming smile, Lexi went off to choose her book and Callum turned to Lola.

“I’m sorry. That was a bit pushy. I didn’t mean to be such a salesman. It’s a wonderful list your daughter has made Mrs …”

“Mitchell.” Lola and Ben had decided that they would tell people they all had the same surname when they moved. Lexi wanted it so they had agreed although, without telling her, they hadn’t actually gone as far as changing names by deed poll. It seemed to make it easier for everybody else but still it didn’t sit well with either Ben or Lola. They were hoping Lexi would rethink. The title Mrs was another easy assumption for the world and it annoyed Lola quite a lot. “But call me Lola.”

“Excellent. Lola, I’m Callum.” He held out a hand and she shook it, swooning slightly under the force of his smile, although she could tell he wasn’t flirting with her. She’d watched him around the other mums. He wasn’t flirting with anybody. He was guilelessly charming in an old-fashioned way.

“It’s nice to meet you Callum. Lexi’s a massive reader – you can probably tell – so we’re very excited to live somewhere with a book shop. It’s amazing that it’s so close - we used to live in London and the nearest bookshop was miles away.” She gave Callum her biggest smile and he grinned back. “Your shop is lovely. Lexi was just saying it feels like a secret library where you can hide away.” She looked around, her approving face communicating that she wasn’t simply flattering him. “Lexi’s dad is Ben. He has the garage.” She knew Ben was struggling to connect with people and Callum seemed like the kind of person he would like so she decided to engage in a bit of social engineering.

“Good to know. My ancient heap often needs a bit of help. It’s nice to meet you too, Lola. And Lexi.”

Callum moved away to help other customers, continuing to think about Lola’s comment and wondering why she had brought up Lexi’s dad. He was feeling slightly concerned that she might have mistaken his friendliness for flirting and was letting him know she was married to get him to back off; the mention of Lexi’s dad had felt disconnected from the rest of her conversation. However, he thought it was a strange way to talk about a husband, to introduce them as your daughter’s dad. Then he remembered that she had said that Lexi’s dad would be buying her a book and he realised Lola was probably letting him know that Lexi would be coming in with someone else. Lola and Lexi had been the most interesting people he’d met today so he hoped they’d become regular customers and he would get a chance to get to know them better.

+++

The Book Shop was busy for the first few weeks but Callum suspected it was the novelty factor and he was giving a lot of thought to how he could make his business profitable and sustainable. His rare book enterprise had some promise and he continued to work on it. He’d sold another two books from his own collection but going forward he needed to buy and sell. His customer base was already widening beyond children and he discovered that there were a number of book groups in the village. Supplying their books was one thing but maybe he could offer a venue as well. Discovering that wine was almost as an important feature at these evenings as the book, he applied for the necessary licences; he had no intention of supplying the alcohol, more that he wanted them to be able to bring their own. He bought four more armchairs and scattered them around the shop so that there would be enough seats for the book groups. It became a popular choice for the various groups. Then, it was a side effect of having extra seats that the coffee and cake side of the business brought a useful boost to income during the day. He spent many evenings poring over his accounts and he was beginning to think he might just scrape by.

Every evening, Callum closed the shop and spent an hour or so baking. It was a calming part of his day if he concentrated on the process and kept his mind off Chris; off the many precious hours he had spent cooking with him, laughing and teasing, chatting and sharing confidences; off what could have been if he’d had more courage. Loneliness was beginning to overwhelm him again. He needed to feel that if the opportunity came again for romance, to get to know somebody intimately, to admit the possibility of love, then he would seize it and not look back. Here in Edenfield, it seemed unlikely. There certainly wasn’t the gay scene that could be found in London, or if there was then it was not obvious to him. Maybe it was time to do what everybody else did and use a dating app even though he hated the idea of it, knowing that people would look at his face rather than find out about him. But he was certain of one thing – his next relationship would be with a man. Next time he would be brave.

+++

Lexi had been at The Book Shop every week since he opened, not always buying a book, sometimes to sit and read while Lola and Callum chatted and became good friends. But this week, it got to Friday and she and Lola hadn’t been in. It was late in the afternoon and Callum was just thinking of closing when she arrived, bursting through the door in a breathless hurry.

“Hi Callum.”

“Hi Lexi. You’re late today. You been at a club or something?” He looked behind her but couldn’t see Lola anywhere causing him a pang of disappointment – he enjoyed joking around with her. “No mum today?”

“No, I had to wait for Dad to finish at the garage. He’s just gone to pick up something from the co-op – we’re making pizzas - then he’s going to come and pay. I told him you wouldn’t mind if I came in by myself to choose my book.”

Callum did mind as he didn’t think that he should be on his own with a child who he wasn’t looking after but he wasn’t sure what to do. It turned out that he didn’t have to worry as a man came rushing through the door, obviously a bit cross. It was the quiet man and Callum’s heart stopped for a moment.

“Lex, I told you to wait. You can’t expect …” How opportune – Ben had wanted an introduction to the new guy. He was delighted that the shop was empty and he was getting the chance to talk to him so he waited for a name to be supplied, even though he knew it perfectly well from Lola talking about him.

“Callum.”

“You can’t expect Callum to look after you when mum and me haven’t arranged it. It’s not fair on him.”

Ben stopped and smiled apologetically at Callum.

“Ben.” He thrust a hand towards Callum and Callum seized it. It was a charged moment as their blue eyes met and shone at each other. Callum almost audibly sighed. Of course the first person he would be attracted to in this place would be a guy with a great wife and a super kid. He really did know how to make his life complicated. Not wanting to give anything away, he schooled his face into a friendly expression.

Ben had a moment of confusion. That was something. Was that something? But Callum’s face was not showing anything. Everything Ben had heard about this man screamed heterosexual: flirting with the village mums, talking interminably in the pub about football. He relaxed and gave him a friendly grin. Next time he saw him in the pub, he might be able to stop and have a chat and perhaps they could be friends.

“The shop looks great. Kind of old-fashioned … like somewhere you’d find hidden treasure.”

“That’s how your Lexi described it. Like a secret library.” Callum was intrigued by Ben’s description and would have put money down that he was a reader; he couldn’t help but speculate what he might like to read.

“Sounds like her. She’s got a vivid imagination.” Ben proudly watched his daughter. Callum saw the love for her radiating off him, changing his face and making him even more attractive; he closed his eyes in frustration at himself. “Are you alright?” Callum snapped his eyes open.

“Yeah. Just … er … caught in my own thoughts.”

Ben gazed at him with a curious smile even more intrigued about the new guy.

Meanwhile Lexi had chosen her book and was waiting at the counter.

“Come on Daddy or we won’t have time to make pizzas.”

“Alright bossy boots.” Ben got out his wallet and paid for the book. “Nice to meet you Callum.” Looking over his shoulder on his way out of the door, he decided to be daring. “Maybe see you in the pub later?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” Callum tried to ignore the little flutter of excitement, sternly telling himself to get a grip.

He watched Lexi dancing around Ben outside, her face full of smiles as her dad talked to her and tweaked her cheek, and experienced a pang of envy. He had once wanted to be a dad. It was something he and Whitney had agreed on and they’d both looked forward to it. Would it ever be in his future?

+++

It was only hours before Callum saw Ben again. When he arrived in The Fox early in the evening, Jay and Honey were there with Shirley the butcher, a hard-faced soft-hearted woman who he liked enormously, and both Mick and Linda were behind the bar. That in itself was unusual as Linda was rarely seen in the pub. It was Friday night, however, The Fox’s busiest night.

Instead of congesting the bar, the four of them decided to sit at a table, and that was what Ben saw when he entered the pub. His confidence instantly faltered. Walking to the pub, he had mentally rehearsed approaching Callum at the bar, maybe casually standing by him as he ordered his drink and striking up a conversation. What was he going to do now? He decided that he would do his usual thing and sit in the corner by himself; it was what he always did and nobody would think anything of it. There wasn’t a free table, though, tonight. Self-assurance wavering, he considered leaving then berated himself for his spinelessness.

“Ben.”

He turned around at the sound of his name. It had to be Callum. No-one else knew him.

“Come and join us.” Callum shuffled up on the bench to make space for him. Ben smiled and brought his drink to the table. Time to be nice.

“Everybody. This is Ben. He has the garage. Ben, meet Jay and Honey, they run the B and B across the road and Shirley, the butcher.” Ben had really wanted to talk to Callum, just Callum. He’d been working himself up to that and he’d been ready, prepared, but now this, all these people, was too much. But he couldn’t move either.

“Have you always been a mechanic, Ben?” Honey’s question was innocent; she had no idea of Ben’s criminal past. He needn’t panic.

“Yeah … yes … yes. I mean, I’ve done other stuff but … er … yeah … always worked on cars.” It wasn’t particularly smooth. Could he have sounded any more like he had something to hide? “The other stuff was selling cars.” Telling himself mentally to stop babbling, his head dropped as he realised quite how out of practice he was at small talk. He felt Callum lightly touch his arm and glanced at him to see encouraging eyes looking back; he was grateful that his new friend seemed to understand his nerves.

“Do you live in the village, Ben?” asked Shirley. Ben shook his head.

“We’re up at The Cross. Me, my daughter, Lexi, her mum, Lola.”

Callum frowned to himself. That sounded odd. Wouldn’t it have been more usual to have introduced Lola as his partner? Ben and Lola had both talked about the other as the parent of their child and that seemed strange to Callum.

“Oh, Lola the hairdresser?” Honey was delighted to have joined up some dots. “And your daughter is that beautiful, little munchkin with the gorgeous blonde curls.” That helped Ben and his face lit up hearing the praise of his little girl. Callum noticed the change and, wanting to see Ben happy, he continued the theme.

“Lexi is my best customer.” They all knew he had only been open a few weeks and he laughed at the confused faces, carrying on to explain. “She’s bought four books so far which is more than anyone else and she has a wish list that’s got twenty books on it.” He turned to Ben. “So, is reading her own love or are you and Lola readers?”

“I like to read.” Ben grinned at Callum’s delighted face. He seemed genuinely pleased to have found an enthusiastic reader. “I like to make up stories as well and having a child is one big, fat excuse for that.”

“Putting the rest of us dads to shame.” Mick was at the table, pretending to collect glasses whilst eavesdropping on the conversation. This man had been coming into his pub for months and Mick was not going to miss his first crack at sociability. He put down the glassware and stuck a hand out at Ben. “Mick Carter. Landlord of this fine establishment. Seen you in here a bit. I was beginning to think you were never going to talk to us.” Ben appreciated Mick’s genuine warmth. Was he part of the gang now?

“Ben Mitchell. I have the garage.” It felt like he was a character from a kid’s card game: Shirley the butcher, Lola the hairdresser, Ben the mechanic. The thought amused him and he opened his mind to having some fun.

The evening carried on with good-natured chat and Ben recognised that he was relaxed and was enjoying himself. He’d forgotten what that felt like. It was the first time since he’d moved here that he’d a good night out with friends. Of course, it was early to be calling them friends but Ben was pleasantly inebriated and feeling loving so they were definitely his friends at least for tonight. Mick locked the doors at the end of the evening before their group had left and Ben realised he was being included in a lock-in. Definitely one of the gang. Life was looking up!

The next hour or so was spent talking nonsense and Callum discovered that Ben, being extremely quick-witted, had a genuine gift for spouting rubbish. Callum had an easy smile but, recently, it had taken a lot to make him laugh. Not tonight. Tonight his sides hurt from laughing so hard.

He and Ben left the pub together in the early hours, giggling over nonsense like teenagers, both having drunk more than they could handle.

“Are you going to be alright walking home? I’m worried you might fall into a ditch or something.” Ben gave Callum a fleeting glance and saw his new friend’s genuine concern.

“Walk me home then.” It seemed like a sensible suggestion but then Ben frowned. “If you do, though, I’ll be worried that you might fall into a ditch when you’re walking home from mine. And I can’t walk you home because you would just have walked me home, so you would have to walk me home but you’d just done that.” They both collapsed laughing not really knowing why and caring even less.

“Come back to mine. I’ll make you strong coffee and you can go home when you’ve sobered up a bit.” Callum grabbed Ben’s hand giving him no choice in the matter.

It was a two minute walk to the shop and within another two Callum had the kettle on. He turned back to Ben to see that he had fallen onto the sofa and was snoring softly. It was such a shame that he was straight as Callum thought he was beautiful. His soft, brown hair and the smattering of freckles across his nose, his plump bottom lip and his lightly stubbled jaw all conspired to make Callum’s heart skip a beat. He had to work hard to stop himself from touching Ben other than removing his shoes, gently tucking a pillow under his head and laying a blanket over him. Stealing another lingering look at him, he left him to sleep.

+++

Callum woke up with a start, hearing movement in his front room. Disorientated, it took him a moment to figure out what it was then he realised - Ben was up. He was just about to get up when his bedroom door opened and Ben backed in, pushing the door with his bottom and precariously carrying two mugs in one hand and a plate piled with toast in the other, and announcing himself loudly.

“Wakey wakey sleeping beauty.”

Ben placed the mugs on a bedside table and wafted the toast in front of Callum’s nose making him chuckle.

“I’m awake already, you idiot.” He shuffled up to a sitting position, took the toast and placed it on the bed and indicated for Ben to sit down, which he promptly did, perching on the bottom of the bed cross-legged like a naughty elf. Their conversation was that of new friends, careful not to be too probing but undeniably curious, but, surprisingly, also with the naturalness of old friends . Callum passed a cup of tea to Ben without pausing his chatter and Ben was touched by the familiarity of the action. He cursed again that Callum was straight, noticing how gorgeous he was with his hair slightly messed but mainly feeling that this was a man with whom he could have a connection. It would just have to be as best friends instead. New friend to friend to best friend in a day - he really was that needy.

Callum was struck by the easiness of Ben’s company. Here he was sitting half-dressed in bed and Ben was sitting on the bed, right in front of him. It was as though they were great friends and they’d known each other forever. Ben was funny and Callum could remember giggling uncontrollably at his inane conversation of the previous evening. He was still joking this morning.

“I’m glad to have met you, Ben. I reckon we’re going to be friends.” Callum hesitated wondering if this was too much. It wasn’t. Ben’s face was transformed with a shy smile.

“Glad to have met you too. And yeah, I think we’re going to be friends.” There was a moment where they let it sink in then Ben broke the tension. “But, as much as I would love to sit and chew the fat with you, I need to get home, shower and change. I’ve got someone bringing their car in at nine.” Ben looked at his watch seeing that it was already eight thirty. It was going to be tight.

“I’ll drive you. It’ll save you ten minutes.” Almost giving Ben palpitations as he was only wearing underwear on his bottom half, Callum jumped up, pulled on joggers and trainers and grabbed his keys. “Let’s go.”


	4. Making friends

After their drunken night, Ben and Callum became firm friends. They started to check what nights each of them was going to The Fox so that they could be there together, then often continued conversations from the pub late into the night via text, gradually strengthening their friendship. Both of them steered clear of conversations about their pasts. There were places they weren’t ready to go, unwilling to sully this new, shiny relationship.

Now and then, more often than not, Ben wandered up to The Book Shop when he had time between jobs, grabbing a cup of tea and a couple of whatever delicious biscuits Callum had made and sitting down to read until Callum had time to talk to him. Sometimes Callum didn’t have the time to talk to him but Ben thought it was always worth a shot.

One day, he came in and there was only one chair free, although it did have a book on the seat so maybe it was taken. Looking around, there didn’t seem to be anybody who might have left it. Callum was busy with a customer but threw him a smile.

“Sit there. I’ll bring you a tea in a minute.”

Ben picked up the book and sat down, idly looking at the cover: ‘Everything I Never Told You’, written by Celeste Ng. Neither title nor author were familiar to him so he read the blurb. Essentially it was a murder mystery, maybe, but was really about family dynamics. It wasn’t his kind of thing, it seemed like a book club kind of book – Ben was snooty in his literary tastes - but he opened it and started to read. By the time Callum came over, he was two chapters in.

“I’m going to have to buy this now. I want to know what happens. And it’s not as bad as I thought it might be.”

Callum smiled knowing the book wasn’t Ben’s usual fare and handed him his tea.

“You can have it. It’s from the second-hand case.”

“Have you read it?”

Callum nodded. Another smile and their eyes seized hold of each other for a second. The moment of connection was disturbed by the door opening.

“Customers.” And Callum moved away.

Ben continued to read for another half an hour, undisturbed by the constant comings and goings in Callum’s shop. Then, knowing he should get back to the garage, he waved at Callum and left.

Later that week, in the pub, he returned to the book.

“The parents are the problem in that family.”

“They are.”

“Especially Marilyn. I get it. She wants to be her own person, not just a wife or a mother, but she’s perhaps one of the worst mothers in any story I’ve read. Really, she abandons her family.” That pulled at something inside him and he furtively peeked at Callum to see if he was looking. Ben was becoming very aware that Callum saw him clearly and knew that, if he was looking, he would have spotted Ben’s moment of unease. But Callum was lost in his own thoughts, his face betraying a sadness that, truth be told, he didn’t always hide very well. Ben wanted to know more but he understood all about hiding and he wasn’t going to force confidences from Callum.

He continued to talk about the book.

“None of them fit in anywhere. Well, sort of in the family, they each have a sort of role, but not outside.”

“Is it important to fit in, do you think?”

Ben gave it some thought.

“Lexi fits in, so does Lo, and it makes lots of things easier for them. But they do it on their own terms, they don’t change themselves to make themselves fit. Not everybody can do that and a lot of people put on an act, anything to be accepted. I’ve never been very good at fitting in and it makes things hard for me sometimes. But I’d rather not fit in than have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Do you know what I mean?”

Callum nodded sadly. “I do. I wish I was as firm as you. I’ve spent a lot of time pretending.”

Ben waited, hoping that Callum would carry on, add some details, trust him enough to share what had happened. But he didn’t. Ben couldn’t be sore about that as he wasn’t telling Callum anything either. He went back to the story.

“The parents think they can determine their kids’ paths in life but it’s not about the kids - it’s about their own broken dreams. That is not what being a parent is about.” He shuddered slightly as the theme chimed with him, a reverberating resonance that left him unsettled. “Lo and I will NEVER do that to Lexi.”

Callum wanted to share his deepest thoughts with Ben, he wanted him to know more, he wanted to be understood by him. The book had been an impromptu thing; he’d come across it when he was sorting out a box of second-hand books and he’d left the book on the chair on purpose, hoping for this opening, an entry into those difficult topics. But now, with the opportunity right in front of him, he found that he couldn’t give voice to his demons.

“You okay?” Ben’s hand was an his arm, shimmering blue eyes full of care set below the creases of a frown, his voice soft and warm.

“Yeah. Course.”

Ben wondered if Callum had left the book on the chair. Had he wanted to talk about dysfunctional families with him? Had Callum’s family been as dysfunctional as his? That would be surprising as his family were stunningly messed up but he wondered if he should stop reflecting on his own difficult past and consider the possibility that his friend needed someone to listen.

+++

Ben loved the writing of the author Kate Atkinson. He knew she was more popular with women but that didn’t bother him; he liked her work, liked the way she wrote, liked what she wrote about and he knew which book he was going to leave out for Callum to read. His plan was to sneak up to Callum’s flat and leave it there.

So, visiting the shop with Lexi one day after work, deliberately late so that Callum was near to closing, he left Callum and Lexi discussing books and said he was visiting the toilet. He hared up the stairs, thankful they were new or rather that they weren’t old and creaky, and deposited the book on the table. As he came skidding round the bottom of the stairs, he stalled, having glimpsed into the stockroom and seen a shelf marked ‘Lexi’. He crept in and saw that Callum had collected together all of the books Ben knew to be on her wish list plus some others. The thoughtfulness of it touched his heart. Callum really was someone special.

Going back into the shop, he stopped near the counter not wanting to interrupt. Callum had his back to him and was reading aloud, maybe performing was a better description, entertaining Lexi, who was laid out on the sofa fully absorbed and intent on his story. Ben knew the story, Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone – who didn’t? - but this, being TOLD the story, was a different experience. He slipped around Callum, lifted Lexi’s top half, sat down and held on to her. Callum stopped momentarily then carried on as he saw Ben’s intention to listen.

Half an hour later, Lola came into the shop, surprised to find it open and even more surprised to see Ben and Lexi curled up on the sofa while Callum read to them.

“What are you lot up to?” Her voice broke into their private performance. “Are you having your very own Jackanory?”

“Jackanory?” Lexi turned a quizzical face to Ben.

“It was a TV programme where they read stories aloud. Before mum and I were even born.”

“I wondered where you had got to and thought you must be here. It’s just I’m going up to town soon, I wanted to say goodnight before I went and you did promise me a lift to the station.”

Callum belatedly noticed that she was dressed up to the nines, with more defined make-up and much bigger hair.

“You look absolutely lovely.”

Lexi blushed a little and smiled, then turned to Ben.

“Hear that? That’s how to compliment a lady.”

“You look great.” Ben jumped up, pulling Lexi up with him. “Come on sweetheart, this gorgeous LADY needs a taxi.” He smirked at Lola who curled her lip and shook her head dismissively.

After they went, Callum slumped on the sofa. Whenever they left him - Lola and Lexi or Ben and Lexi or, right now, all three of them - he felt empty. They filled his life with something and there was a hole when they were gone. It told him that there was definitely something missing in his life and that something was a family or, at the very least, close relationships. Pulling out his phone, he opened the app he had downloaded. He had spent a long time on his profile, keen that it described him accurately, conveyed the impression he wanted to give and didn’t make false promises. There was a lot of interest in him; he knew there would be. It frustrated him that he was so good-looking that people didn’t see him. Aware that the idea was that he should choose somebody to contact, he flicked through a few profiles but his heart wasn’t in it. It was more than that, he didn’t want to do it. Why was he putting himself through this? He deleted his profile and deleted the app.

Climbing the stairs, he decided that he needed to slow down, think about what he had gained from the move to Edenfield rather than what was still missing. He’d only been here six months and he was making friends, people who might be his support network, and he was successfully establishing his business. Everything was going well, better than he’d anticipated. He surveyed his flat with pride. For a room with such small windows, the front room was a fabulous space. He’d been careful not to over-furnish it and all the walls had been painted in a soft white to reflect the ambient light. His sofa was a deep teal colour but everything else was light with soft yellows and light blues and a floor of scrubbed oak completing the scheme. It had been a unexpected pleasure to decorate and furnish his home and a trace of this joy hit him every time he reached the top of the stairs.

He spotted the book straightaway. ‘Behind the Scenes at the Museum’. He knew the book of course. It was a prize-winner. He also knew the author and had read most of her work; she was one of his favourites. But it had been a long time since he had read this one and he wondered why Ben had chosen it; he was certain it had been left by him. From memory, it was another story of family life and, as he had almost got his secrets out when they had talked about ‘Everything I Never Told You’, was Ben giving him another chance? Usually he baked first, then had dinner, then went to the pub or stayed at home catching up on paperwork, reading or watching television. Tonight he sat at the table, picked up the book and started to read. He remembered it being a good read but he’d forgotten how good and it was eleven o’clock before his rumbling stomach finally got his attention. The book was still in his hand as he made cheese on toast one-handed, unable to stop reading, and it was one in the morning when he fell asleep and the book tumbled to the floor.

He woke early as the light streamed in through windows where he’d forgotten to lower the blinds and draw the curtains. His first thought was to carry on reading but he sensibly recognised that would mean no wash, no breakfast, no cake for the shop today and probably him turning up for work in his sleep clothes, otherwise known as underwear. He started the day making a couple of lemon drizzle cakes and then had a quick bath while they baked. The book had been picked up from the floor and now sat accusingly on his bedside table as he got dressed and it was all he could do to leave it alone.

“I’m getting to you as soon as I can.” Was he really talking to books now? He could hardly wait to finish it, though, and was desperate to talk to Ben.

Frustrating him immensely, he had to wait a couple of days as Ben had to go into London suddenly. A family matter, according to Lola when she passed on Ben’s message about not being able to meet Callum as planned in The Fox that evening, but she was evasive, eyes flicking anywhere but on him, feet shuffling as though she was warming up for a sprint.

“He said he’ll catch up with you tomorrow or the day after.”

Why had he sent Lola? Callum thought it was strange that Ben hadn’t messaged him directly.

“Is he okay, Lola? Is he safe?” Her head jerked up at that and she searched his face, looking for something and not finding it.

“Yeah. Course.” She didn’t sound certain. “Callum?”

“Yeah?” He watched her search his face again, saw a question run across her eyes, then she looked away before turning back and smiling brightly. It didn’t reach her eyes and he didn’t miss that. “You couldn’t do me a favour, could you? I have a booking at four tomorrow. Can I bring Lex here? It would be for maybe three hours.”

Callum understood that Lola had somewhere she needed to be and suspected it was something to do with Ben.

“Shall I give her some dinner?”

Lola looked like she might cry. “That’d be great. Thank you.”

+++

Lexi was very excited to be coming to Callum’s. She was intrigued about what the shop might be like when it was closed and she was extremely nosey about Callum’s flat. The first disappointed her.

“It’s exactly the same.”

“What did you imagine might happen? Fairies appearing from behind the bookcases, magical books?”

“Maybe I need to stay over. See what it’s like in the night.”

Callum laughed at her determined fantasy.

His flat, on the other hand, clearly surpassed all of her expectations, particularly the bedroom.

“Your bed is LOVELY.” She stroked the velvet headboard appreciatively. “And I like these.” She wiggled her toes in one of the fluffy scatter rugs.

“They are a nightmare. I am constantly sweeping up fluff from them.” They might have looked good but Callum was ready to throw away his beautiful rugs.

“Am I allowed out there?” Lexi had been edging nearer and nearer to the French doors, obviously very keen to go out.

“Yeah. The door’s open.” 

She flung open the door and almost danced outside, captivated by the view much like Callum himself.

“We can see the windmill from our house but we’re on the other side. The … what are they called, the things that go round?”

“The sails.”

“The sails are on this side of it looking from here but they’re on the other side of it looking from our house.” She indicated left and right to demonstrate. Dropping into one of the chairs, she fished around in her shoulder bag, bringing out a pair of sunglasses and placing them on her face like a film star. Callum had to suppress a laugh.

“Can I bring you a drink, m’lady?”

“Cola please.” Callum narrowed his eyes at her wondering if she was trying it on with him. He’d noticed that almost none of the mums let their children drink cola but couldn’t remember if Lola had rules about it. Lexi sighed. “Cordial please.”

He brought her drink and left her to enjoy the evening light while he went back in to get on with dinner.

She came back in as he was finishing.

“We’ll eat first but, afterwards, I need to do tomorrow’s baking. Do you want to help?” Lexi’s ecstatic reaction told him that she did.

She turned out to be a useful little sous-chef and by seven o’clock they were all done, sitting on the sofa with Callum reading the next part of the Harry Potter, their baking on cooling racks, when there was a knock at the shop door.

“It’ll be your mum.” Callum texted Lola to come to the back door and went downstairs to open it. She wasn’t alone however. Ben was with her and they both looked frazzled. Callum swept a look over them, picking up that they were both tense and let them in, giving each of them a supportive squeeze on the arm.

“Come up.”

Lexi was delighted to see Ben, jumping straight into his arms. He caught her easily and held her close.

“Daddy! I thought you were coming home tomorrow.”

Callum noticed that Ben became tearful and pressed his face into Lexi’s hair to hide it. He looked across at Lola and saw that she was also watching them, chewing her lip and frowning anxiously. What had gone on? He moved into the living room and sat down on the sofa, giving them some space.

“You are the best hugger and I couldn’t stand another day without one of your big bear hugs.” Ben was smiling at Lexi and kissing her forehead as she went for another hug before wriggling out of his grasp and grabbing hold of Lola.

“Callum!” She was less than five metres away but she spoke loudly as though he was in another room. “Daddy’s been here before but can I show Mummy around?”

Callum smiled and nodded. “Course you can.”

As they headed towards the back of the flat, Ben came and sat beside Callum and put his head on his shoulder.

“Sorry about last night. You okay for tomorrow night at The Fox?”

“Course.” He reached across and stroked Ben’s hair. He told himself that he would comfort Lola or Lexi in exactly the same way, in fact he would probably have put his arm around them.

Ben had rested his head on Callum without thinking. Now he thought about it, he could see that it probably wasn’t a blokey thing to do but he would have crawled on Callum’s lap if he’d followed his instincts so it was actually quite restrained. Callum didn’t seem to mind, however, and Ben relaxed and enjoyed the sensation of his head being stroked. It was incredibly comforting.

“But Ben … whatever’s going on with you, you can talk to me, message me. I’m not going to judge. I’m your friend.”

“You are, aren’t you?” Ben’s voice was quiet.

“I am. So, why send a message through Lola? Why not just send me a text?”

Ben was thoughtful for a moment.

“Because, Callum, you see me and … I guess I didn’t want to be seen.” He reached for Callum’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “We need to talk about some of the things we’ve been skirting. Soon, yeah?”

Ben looked up at him then and Callum melted. Seeing that beautiful face, especially at this angle, so close, so tantalisingly close, was undoing him.

For his part, Ben was mesmerised by Callum’s blue eyes shining down at him but sufficiently conscious that he needed to get up before he gave the game away completely. This friendship was extremely important to Ben and while he didn’t mind Callum knowing he was gay, in fact he wanted him to know, he didn’t want him to think he was making an unwanted move on him.

With perfect timing, Lexi and Lola returned and Ben stood up and fist-bumped Callum before joining them. Fist-bumping – very blokey.

“Right, time to get you home, missy.”

Callum accompanied them out and, at the back door, Lexi reached up wanting him to lift her, taking him somewhat by surprise but he picked her up and received a lovely hug.

“Thanks for having me, Callum. We can do it again next week if you like.” Lola and Ben sighed in unison at her presumptive comment. Ben was last out of the door and his small, sad smile made Callum reach for his hand.

“Tomorrow night, yeah? We’ll talk properly.”

Ben nodded, squeezed his hand and left.

Yet again, Callum felt a void when they had gone. He liked all three of them enormously but was it weird that he had latched onto this little family? Deciding that he didn’t want to think about it, he spent the rest of the evening finishing his book. He had a good idea of what he was going to discuss with Ben.

+++

When Callum arrived at The Fox the following evening, Ben was already there and definitely looked more relaxed than he had the previous evening. He was sitting at the bar laughing with Mick and his smile grew as he saw Callum. Mick clocked it and knew exactly what he was observing. Callum’s smile was equally wide and especially focused on Ben. So, it was reciprocated. Mick settled himself down for an enjoyable watch; he loved a courtship. If he wasn’t mistaken, though, these two might not yet be aware that’s what they were doing. It was going to be interesting.

Callum and Ben found themselves a table. They were beginning to hold eye contact more, letting each other see inside those windows, so they each checked how the other was doing before they started talking, and saw that there were no nerves. They were ready to share.

“I finished the book.”

“Yeah? What did you think?”

“I’ve read it before but a long time ago and it was different this time. Like both times I saw it through the lens of my life experience, but my life has changed and my experience has grown, so I saw it differently this time.”

“Deep.”

“Shut up.”

They laughed easily at each other.

“So it’s about families again. This story was more about how important parents are. But it still had that theme of maternal abandonment.” Callum took a deep breath. “I … er … I wondered how you knew.” His voice was a cracked whisper.

Ben held his breath for a moment recognising that this was a breakthrough.

“I didn’t know. I picked up there was something about fucked up families.” Ben moved to sit closely to Callum and spoke quietly. “Tell me about it. If you want.”

They sat for a moment, Callum blinking back tears and Ben holding his hand and maintaining as much body contact as he could sitting side by side. Callum wanted to talk to Ben. It was as safe to bring this up as it was ever going to be.

“My mum gave me up when I was born. I’ve never met her. I was brought up in foster care until I was six, then I went back to my dad. My dad was careless, alcoholic, violent.”

Ben knew he could reciprocate with his own tale of a woefully inadequate father, and one day he would, but he wanted this conversation to be about Callum. He wanted to be the one offering support and empathy so he stayed quiet and ready to listen.

“Until recently, I thought my mum left us when I was six. I’d convinced myself that she’d had to go, scared of my dad, maybe in fear for her life. That would have explained it, you see. I needed a really good reason for her to have left. But I know now she didn’t want me. She never wanted me.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve got a brother. Stuart. He’s fourteen years older than me. He didn’t realise I’d got it all mixed up until I said I was going to look for mum. So he told me.”

They sat for a moment, pressed into each other’s side, heads tapping briefly to further the connection.

“How did it make you feel?”

“I’m not sure anybody would feel good about not being loved.” As soon as he uttered his throwaway comment, Callum felt its woeful insufficiency. So did Ben.

“Yeah. But I care about YOU. How do YOU feel?”

“Empty. Unloved. Unlovable.”

Ben wanted to wrap his arms around Callum, kiss him tenderly and tell him that he was lovable. He settled for squeezing his hand.

“Do you really believe that, Callum?”

“Yes … because I am thirty years old, living alone, all my relationships before moving here are broken. No … because I know I can love, I know I’m a nice person so surely I can be loved.”

Callum looked at Ben, his eyes pleading with Ben to understand and to reassure him. Ben was determined to make sure he got what he needed.

“Whoever gets you is going to be VERY lucky. You’re a great guy.”

Callum smiled at Ben’s compliment.

“You have to say that. You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah, maybe. I happen to think it’s true, though.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes, sipping their beers and Ben noticed Callum’s breathing slowing, becoming steady again.

“You know there’s another common theme in the two books.”

Callum looked at him, surprised, and then put his mind to work.

“Death of a sibling?”

Ben nodded. He didn’t want to get into his full traumatic history but he did want to explain about the last couple of days.

“My brother Denny, he was my step-brother then my dad adopted him so he was my brother, he died in a boat accident. He’d been locked in a room below deck and didn’t make it out. He was only thirteen.” Ben closed his eyes and tipped his head back, feeling Callum stroke his arm. “My other brother, Ian, half-brother, same mum, he was the person who locked him in. So my brother had a part in the death of my other brother.”

Callum was horrified.

“Ben, that’s terrible. When did it happen?”

“A year and a half ago. Ian did a runner when it all came out so I never got to speak to him. Mum was heartbroken, couldn’t believe what he’d done and definitely couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to take responsibility. Anyway, Ian came back this week. Lola went to meet old friends and saw him around our old neighbourhood. That’s where I’ve been. I needed to … establish some stuff with him.”

Callum looked at him and picked up his hands, brushing his thumbs over bruised knuckles. “You beat him up.”

Ben hung his head.

“Callum, you have no idea who I am.”

“Ben, I do. I just don’t know it all. We’re just breaking the surface. But I want you to know that I don’t need you to be an angel. I trust my instincts and I like you. You’re the best friend I’ve got.”

“You know something? You’re the best friend I’ve got.” Ben looked at Callum carefully. “Are we going to keep uncovering what’s underneath the surface? Even the stuff we’d rather keep hidden? There is a lot of that stuff for me.”

Callum nodded.

“There’s a lot of that stuff for me as well. But we keep talking. Even if we think the other won’t like it. Trust that it’s going to be okay.”

+++

Ben was now impatient to have lots of conversations with Callum. His first idea was that The Book Shop would be a good place for lunch. He’d never liked going home for lunch and eating by himself so this seemed like it would be the perfect solution. A slight issue was that, unless cake could be called lunch, Callum didn’t serve lunch.

“I’m not a café. I do coffee and cake, tea and biscuits, things that you have while you’re reading. That’s the point.”

“But you must eat lunch. What do you have?” Ben wasn’t giving up.

“So you turn up here wanting me to make you lunch?”

“Well, it’s not what I asked … but if you’re offering.”

Callum already closed the shop at lunchtime partly to stay in line with common village practice and partly because it had become his routine to work on his rare books business during lunch.

“You’re a distraction, you know that?”

Of course, Ben did know that but he believed Callum didn’t really mind. “Adorable, though, yeah?”

“Obviously.” Callum rolled his eyes and shook his head. He didn’t want to let on how adorable he found Ben. Although he was making a bit of a show of resistance, he loved the idea of seeing Ben every day for lunch.

“It’s an hour, Callum, not even that. What’s a cup of tea and a sandwich between friends? I can make them if you like.”

So, the new routine became Ben turning up and making lunch in Callum’s kitchen while Callum caught up with his auction lots at the small table, then they ate together and chatted about their days, dripping in little details about things that mattered to them, getting to understand each other, understanding that they mattered to each other.

Although there were some things shared, they also knew they were generally bypassing the big topics, still avoiding revealing those things they were in the habit of hiding. It wasn’t that either of them wanted this barrier between them but they didn’t know how to move it. Something needed to happen to force it out of the way.


	5. Being honest

Lexi continued to be Callum’s best customer, buying a book almost every other week. She supplied Callum with an extension to her list and he ordered the books and added them to the shelf in his stockroom. He also kept adding books that HE thought she should read and they had interminable discussions about the merits of his choices. There were lots of adults who liked to buy books for the children in their lives and they often brought these children with them into his shop, but Callum thought there was not another child like Lexi.

Mostly she came in with Lola which suited Callum as he was trying to limit his time around Ben. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with Ben – he loved spending time with him – but he was worried about giving the game away. He saw Ben, albeit briefly, every lunchtime and then for longer periods two or three nights per week and he couldn’t help himself – Ben had got under his skin and he spent a lot of time thinking about him, fantasising and working himself up to a frenzy. Ben could NOT find out.

Callum also liked Lola immensely and looked forward to talking and laughing with her. She had a wicked sense of humour, relentlessly poking fun at village life; it was mean but deadly accurate. He learned that she and Ben were from a part of East London that was only a couple of miles from where he had lived. Typical Londoners, neither of them had ever ventured into each other’s patches. They talked about not looking back and how much they loved the village they were mocking. After Ben, and maybe Lexi, Lola was Callum’s favourite person in Edenfield. To be ruthlessly accurate, in the world. They laughed a lot together.

Lola and Ben were both great company and Callum thought it would be fun for all of them to go out together but it never happened; he assumed it was because one of them was looking after Lexi when the other was out. He wondered if it was what typically happened in marriages with young children – you started having separate social lives - but it didn’t quite make sense as it wasn’t that they didn’t have anybody to help: Ben had told him that his mum also lived in Edenfield. He talked about his mum with a lot of fondness and Callum hoped that he would get to meet her and that she would like him.

Coming in after the after-school busy period had become Lexi’s time to visit The Book Shop as she was more likely to get Callum’s undivided attention. It was usually with Lola, sometimes with Ben, but today Lexi came in with another woman and a young man. Callum glimpsed Ben’s smile on the woman’s face and wondered.

“Callum, this is my nan and my cousin Bobby.”

“Hi Callum, I’m Kathy.” The woman confirmed his suspicion. “Ben’s mum. He tells me you’re great friends.” The appreciative look on her face made Callum glow with pleasure. This was a good start – it seemed she might already like him. He knew from Ben that his brother Ian was over fifty which would make their mum seventyish and he had expected an old lady with greying hair set in a short style and a stout mature figure, plump-cheeked, smiling and generous like the grandmother in a fairy tale. Well, the non-wicked ones. The reality was that she looked much younger than seventy and was extremely attractive, with blonde, wavy hair and a lovely figure; Callum could see from whom Ben had inherited his looks.

“Hi Kathy, Bobby.” Callum glanced at Bobby and recognised a whole world of pain looking back so gave him a reassuring smile. Bobby was struggling to make eye contact but something about him gave Callum the impression that he had come into the shop looking for something.

“Come on Nanny. Let me show you my books.” Lexi pulled Kathy away to show her around, leaving Bobby standing awkwardly in front of Callum.

“Are you a reader, Bobby? Or can I get you a drink? And there’s one slice of cake left that’s yours if you want it. I’ve already had a slice today so I’d be grateful if you ate it. I hate throwing cake away.” Bobby nodded and tentatively smiled, sitting down at the table Callum indicated. Callum brought a couple of soft drinks and the cake and sat down with him. He noticed Lexi had established herself on the sofa across the room with Kathy and they were sharing a book. Heads together, the familial likeness was unmistakeable. A surge of affection ran through Callum and he wondered who it was for: Lexi, Kathy or Ben? He returned his attention to Bobby not pushing him but sipping his drink and waiting comfortably. It took an while but eventually Bobby spoke.

“I’m looking for books on … science.”

Callum nodded encouragingly. “Any particular branch?”

“Psychology?”

Callum showed Bobby to the appropriate section and left him to browse although, after only a few minutes, he noticed Bobby peeking at him repeatedly so he re-joined him.

“Not what you’re looking for?”

Bobby’s voice dropped to a whisper.

“Mental health but … not self-help books, please.” Callum redirected him to another bookcase and waited nearby feeling instinctively that Bobby needed close support. Bobby looked at every shelf, checking the books one by one, and his body language became increasingly despondent. All of Callum’s instincts to help kicked in and he gently led him back to the table.

Bobby was short and slight, with cropped, blonde hair and a young face. Ben had told him about his young nephew and he knew Bobby was eighteen; he looked like he was around fourteen. And he looked frightened. Callum hoped desperately that he wasn’t frightening him. He made sure his voice was soft and careful.

“I don’t think I’ve got what you want, you’d have found it because you were in the right section, but come with me and we’ll have a look at the computer. Let’s find the right book for you and order it in.”

Opening the laptop, Callum explained the book search tool to Bobby. He entered ‘anxiety’ as a key word and glanced at Bobby, receiving a pert nod as confirmation. Bobby got out a small bottle to sanitise his hands then reached for the computer and Callum pushed it his way, watching as Bobby cleaned it thoroughly and then typed ‘OCD’. He realised then that Bobby had not touched a single book on the shelves and had a flash of insight into how stressful a shop like his must be for the young man.

“It’s what I have. I just want to understand it more.”

“Good idea.” The search pulled up hundreds of results so they refined the search to dismiss both the self-help and technical books, then they started to review them, discussing the features until, finally, Bobby selected a short book written by a teenager with OCD.

Kathy watched surreptitiously from across the room. Ben, Lola and Lexi had talked a lot about their new friend, Callum, all of them completely enamoured, and Kathy had heard snippets of village gossip about him, but, in her opinion, nobody had quite captured his gentle warmth. Except Ben maybe. She had a feeling that her son understood Callum best of all. He had talked about somebody who made him laugh but he had also talked about somebody with whom he could share confidences, somebody who was genuine and kind. Bobby was extremely nervous and unconfident and hardly ever spoke to anybody and, yet, here he was deep in discussion with this bookseller. It was remarkable. She was delighted that this lovely man was her son’s best friend.

Then she saw Callum close his computer and lean back in his chair and Bobby’s fingers instantly went to work performing their silent counting routine. Time to go.

“Come on love. We can finish this at home.” Lexi pouted but closed the book and stood up. Feeling very grown up as she had her own money in her own purse, she went to stand in front of the counter but Kathy was ahead of her.

“I’ll get your book, love. What do I owe you for the drinks and the cake, Callum?”

“Bobby was my guest.” Callum beamed at Bobby and received a grateful smile back. “Leave a number and I’ll message you when your book arrives.” He turned the keyboard so that Bobby could add his contact details to the order form. “Come in any time, Bobby. We can sit and have a drink and talk about Lexi behind her back.” He grinned at Lexi as she narrowed her eyes at him, reminding him strongly of Ben. “Just teasing poppet.” She rolled her eyes dramatically.

As he saw them out, he held Bobby back momentarily.

“I mean it, Bobby. Whenever you want, please drop in. Talk. Don’t talk. Yeah?”

“Thanks Callum.” Bobby looked at him then with an intense stare that felt evaluative to Callum. He smiled hopefully, wondering if he had passed the test. It seemed he might have. “I’d like to come back if that’s okay.”

“You are always welcome. I mean that.”

It had been a quiet day and Callum closed the shop after them and went to sit on his balcony. Of all the jobs he’d ever had, this was his favourite. Of all the homes he’d had, this was definitely the best. So what else did it need for him not to feel so lonely?

He had good friends here in Edenfield in Ben and Lola, Jay and Honey, Mick and Linda, Shirley - mostly couples but that didn’t bother him. It was more friends than he’d ever had and, anyway, Ben and Lola didn’t act like a couple; in truth, he had hardly seen them together. Ben was his best friend, the first one he’d ever had. They always made sure they were going to The Fox on the same nights, they saw each other every day, they often texted through the evenings they weren’t together. It felt like a bit of life that he’d missed and he was determined to enjoy it now.

From the balcony, as well as the view out to open countryside, he could see the backs of buildings and, through the gaps, even more buildings slightly further away. He now knew that, if he stood in the far front corner of the balcony, he could see the yard of Ben’s garage and, although he didn’t like to admit it to himself, he peered that way quite a lot hoping to get a glimpse of Ben. Sighing loudly, he told himself to get over this infatuation or it might spoil a precious friendship. The whole point of making this move to Edenfield was to change and that meant not sabotaging the good things in his life. His friendship with Ben was the best thing in his life.

It was as warm now as it had been at lunchtime and the softening colours of evening bathed everywhere in contentment. The domestic sounds of people eating al fresco whetted his appetite so he went inside to get a tray of his favourite snacks to bring outside: fat nocellara olives, fresh cherry tomatoes (one of his customers had grown them and gifted a box to him), cheese and biscuits, ice cold beer. He was sitting peacefully, imagining sharing this with Ben, when a voice broke into his daydream.

“Callum! You up there?”

“Yeah. Wait a minute, I’ll come down and let you in.”

“No need. Some numpty’s handily put garden furniture out to give me a boost onto his balcony.” A couple of seconds later, Ben hopped over the rail, laughing loudly at Callum’s shock. Callum recovered quickly.

“Okay Burglar Bill. Sit down. Let me get you a beer.”

Ben watched him walk through the flat, sneaking a lustful gaze at his backside. Callum was gorgeous. Forcing himself to stop watching, he dropped into a chair, reminding himself that Callum was his friend, his straight friend, and it was not alright to be ogling him. The chairs Callum had put on his balcony were wide, reclining Adirondack chairs, perfect for showing off oneself and Ben arranged himself seductively before thinking better of it. What was wrong with him? He obviously shouldn’t be here – the mood he was in was much too frisky. Callum didn’t help at all as when he returned, Ben paid more attention to his clothing: tight, tight jeans and a tight, tight t-shirt. And he looked stunning, lounging on his chair. At this rate, Ben was going to need a cold shower.

“I met your mum and Bobby earlier. They came in with Lexi.” Callum pushed the tray of snacks towards Ben. “Help yourself.”

“Yeah? Did you make a good impression?” What a stupid thing to say. Callum was not his boyfriend meeting his mum for the first time. Ben scrunched up his face. “Of course you did. Everybody loves you.”

They fell into silence for a few moments then Callum spoke, hesitant and quiet.

“Why did you move, Ben? From London to here?” Ben froze but it seemed Callum didn’t necessarily want an answer. “I moved because I needed to start again. Because, the truth is, Ben, nobody loves me.”

Ben was aware that most people never saw Callum with anything other than a smile on his face but, for anybody looking closely enough, and Ben was often looking closely, his sadness sometimes seeped through. Callum was by himself and, as far as Ben knew, nobody ever visited him. Ben had already worked out that there must be a story there beyond the story of his mum. He decided to answer Callum’s question.

“Lo and me wanted to start again as well.”

Callum threw him a grateful smile. Ben always made him feel like he fit, like all of his muddled thoughts were understandable, like he was enough exactly as he was. It was liberating. There had never been anybody in his life who had done that for him.

“You’re lucky to have someone to run away with. You and Lo are a great couple.”

Ben wanted to put a stop to this misunderstanding. It had gone on too long and he felt like he was lying to his friend. There were so many little moments with Callum, when they touched, when their eyes caught hold, that Ben enjoyed and he was self-aware enough to know that he didn’t want to lose this intimacy and was scared that might happen if Callum knew he was gay. But, that sounded even to him as though he was hiding that he was gay and he did not want that to be the case. Importantly, he wanted an honest relationship with Callum so it was essential that he tell him the truth.

“Callum, we’re not together.”

“What?”

“Me and Lo, we’re not together. We’re Lexi’s parents and we love each other but not as a couple. We live together as a family for Lex but she knows how it is.”

Callum was evidently surprised at that. “Wow! I’d never have known.” He thought for a moment. “Then again, you’re never out together. I’ve never seen you together, like, you know, I don’t know, holding hands or something.” He sat for a moment clearly thinking over this startling piece of information. “Wise of you, though.”

Ben’s head was swirling with anxiety. The longer this had gone on, the more he’d worried that, when he eventually found out, Callum would judge that he had lied. He couldn’t afford to lose Callum’s friendship. He needed Callum’s friendship. Now, though, instead of being upset with him, he was saying that Ben was wise. How was he wise?

“Wise? Why?”

“The women in this village are … what’s the right way to describe them? Persistent?”

“For you maybe. They’re not knocking on my door.” It was clear as day that Callum thought he was straight so this was the time he should tell him that he was gay. It wouldn’t change anything. Why would it change anything? Still Ben said nothing. He was, however, curious about Callum. “None of them tickling your fancy, I take it?”

Callum looked at him quizzically. The question sounded odd for some reason that he couldn’t pinpoint. Did any of these women tickle Ben’s fancy? It sounded like he was talking about patisserie.

“No. You?”

It was definitely the time now.

“Callum.” Ben paused and leant forward in his chair, tipping his head to the side to look at Callum. “I don’t know why I haven’t been clear about this. It’s not like me. Back in London, I shoved it in people’s faces.” At the last moment, he couldn’t look at him and he curled back into his chair. “Callum, I’m gay.”

Callum looked at him blankly. It was clear that Ben’s message did not compute.

“But you’ve got a daughter?”

“Yeah, because Lola asked how I knew I was gay if I’d never been with a girl. We were sixteen, stupid and had sex to test me. After that, I knew I was gay.”

“You knew for certain?”

“Yes Callum. There’s no doubt.” Ben’s tone hardened. If Callum was going to struggle with this then it was friendship over no matter how much he needed it. Callum heard the anger and correctly understood the misunderstanding.

“No, Ben. I’m not asking because I have a problem with it. I just wondered how you knew for certain.”

“Probably in exactly the same way you knew you were into girls.” Ben was upset now and he glared at Callum belligerently, hardly able to believe that this was the conversation they were having. They were always so in tune with each other. What was going on?

Callum was fully aware that yet again he had misled somebody who mattered to him. He had done so knowingly and deliberately despite having promised himself he would never do this again. His connection with Ben was precious and yet he had risked it by not being honest. When he had told Whitney, he had seen her devastation. Stuart had been disturbed and his dad had been disgusted. Now Ben was disappointed. When was he ever going to get this right?

Looking at Callum’s dismayed face, riddled with confusion, eyes again pleading for Ben’s understanding, the penny dropped. Ben’s irritation with his friend disappeared instantly and was replaced by total concern.

“Oh my god, Callum.”

Their eyes held onto each other and Ben witnessed the rising panic in Callum. As he reached out for him, wanting to offer some reassurance, Callum jumped up and rushed into the bedroom, closing the doors behind him. Ben could see him, sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to the window, hands clamped onto his head, body shaking. A crystal clear memory of a similar moment came to Ben and he knew not to go in. He continued to watch until eventually Callum curled up into a foetal position on the bed. Carefully, he opened the door and approached, sitting next to Callum and putting a hand on his hand.

“Callum …” He squeezed his hand. Callum placed his other hand over the top and held on tight, haunted eyes staring at Ben imploring him to understand. Of course he understood.

“What do you want, Callum? Do you want to talk?” 

“I do … but … I …”

Ben wanted so much to curl up behind Callum and hold him close, to whisper in his ear that it was going to be alright. But Callum needed time to process this moment. Ben was about to say that he was going to go when Callum spoke.

“I … I can’t. I will but … Ben, I’m sorry. Please … I just need … I don’t know what I need.”

Ben understood completely and got up, not offended but understanding that Callum needed some breathing space. Callum followed him downstairs to the back door. At the last moment, before opening the door, Ben turned.

“Tell me Callum. Say the words.”

Callum looked at the sanctuary offered by those clear, blue eyes. Ben wasn’t angry or disappointed; he was safe in his care.

“I’m gay.”

Ben smiled at him, speaking volumes.

“Things are different now, Callum. But we’re still the same, as well.”

“Different and the same?” There were tears glistening in Callum’s eyes, a lifetime of pain waiting to be released but, for now, held at bay. Ben reached up and gently rubbed away the solitary tear that had got through.

“So, you know I’m gay; I’m not hiding it but still nobody here knows but you. Maybe there are reasons for that and I want you to hear my story. I know that you’re gay and you’re not sure what that means for you but still nobody here knows but me. I want to hear your story. We take our time and tell our stories when we’re ready. It’s different yet the same. Do you see?”

Callum nodded and, without warning, swept Ben into his arms, holding on tight. He felt Ben reciprocate and shuddered a sigh of relief that he hadn’t made a mistake. They held on, Callum crying into Ben’s shoulder, Ben rubbing Callum’s back with one hand, threading the fingers of his other hand through the hair at the back of his head and dropping small kisses on his shoulder in between whispering soothing words. As they pulled apart, their eyes held on, unwilling to let go, and Ben cupped Callum’s face, reached up, kissed his cheek then left.

+++

The next day, Ben wasn’t sure if he should turn up for lunch at Callum’s. He wanted to see him – he was desperate to see him - but, at the same time, he didn’t want to put pressure on him. This would take as much time as it took and everybody was different. How long had Callum accepted that he was gay? Ben couldn’t answer that question; he didn’t know because Callum had never mentioned it, never mentioned previous relationships. Ben had been the same. Their friendship was firmly in the present; excepting parents and siblings, the only relationships they had talked about were active now, not remembered from the past, not dreamed of in the future. 

It had been a bombshell for Ben that Callum was gay, even though it strangely made sense and there was something slightly more acceptable about lusting after him now. There had been undeniable moments of connection between them but Callum had not given an indisputable sign that he was attracted to Ben so he still had to suppress his desires. The fact that Callum was gay didn’t change anything essentially. They were best friends and the most important thing was to be supportive of Callum in figuring out how he wanted to lead his life.

He and Callum communicated well. Well mostly, the confusion over them both being gay and both thinking the other was straight was not their finest hour. But in general, Ben never worried about if it was the right thing to do to text Callum or call him – he just did it. Why was he now worrying about it, trying to work out if Callum wanted him to stay away? He should just ask him. Getting out his phone, he was about to send him a message to ask about lunch when a text came in from Callum.

_See you for lunch?_

Ben’s relief was palpable and the morning dragged then. He couldn’t wait for lunchtime, couldn’t focus on his work and couldn’t stop thinking about Callum. Even Keegan noticed his distraction.

“What’s got into you, man? Having marital strife with the wife?”

The last twenty-four hours had awakened a resolve in Ben. He was going to be out and proud from this day forward.

“You do know I’m not married to Lola, Keegs? And we’re not together. Lexi is the happy accident from some ill-advised teenage sex. Ill-advised because I’m gay. Was then. Am now.”

He watched Keegan keenly – it was always a lottery with how people reacted. Keegan put down the spanner in his hand and, leaning across the workbench, grinned at Ben.

“Now THAT makes total sense, dude. You are way too worried about how good your arse looks. That sexy stroll you’ve got going on. Yeah, man, total sense.”

Ben narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Keegan had no room to talk with that stupid, limping walk he had.

“I hope you’re not saying I mince.”

Keegan guffawed, creasing himself in two as Ben huffed.

The rest of the morning went by too slowly for Ben but, in reality, he was soon on his way to The Book Shop, maybe a little stiltedly as he remembered Keegan’s teasing. The shop was empty when he got there except for Callum whose face lit up with a hopeful smile when he saw Ben. Ben went straight up to him and repeated the hug from the previous night minus Callum’s tears.

Callum was hugely relieved to find himself back in Ben’s arms. Ben was gay. What had he said? He shoved it in people’s faces? That was a level of confidence Callum would love to achieve.

“I thought maybe you weren’t going to come.”

Ben suddenly realised that he had been so wrapped up in relief and anticipation that he’d forgotten to reply.

“Aargh – I forgot to reply to you, didn’t I? I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to come but I was going to message you and ask. I wouldn’t have just not turned up. I was literally about to type when your message came in.”

Callum went to turn the sign on the door from open to closed and Ben followed him up to the flat, trying desperately not to leer at his backside.

“I’m on a roll with outing myself. This morning I told Keegan that I’m gay. He told me he could tell because I’m obsessed with how my arse looks when I walk, though why that’s a gay thing I don’t know. His walk is the most self-conscious thing I’ve seen.” Ben sighed to himself. What the hell was he doing talking about arses? Anybody would think he was fixated.

Callum chuckled. He’d woken up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of glorious relief and a strong need to talk to Ben. That Ben was gay hadn’t sunk in the previous evening because all he had been able to think about was his own admission. But this morning it had been his first thought and he had been waiting to talk to his friend since then. Ben talking about arses was a great start to the conversation, reassuring him that they could be flippant and their friendship hadn’t changed; that was more important to him than anything.

“You have a great walk.” Callum meant that. He had lost track of how many times he had admired Ben sauntering across the room.

“What? I hope you mean that. Because if you’re saying that I mince, we’re going to fall out.”

Callum giggled even more. He had such a bright sense of optimism today that it was making him a bit giddy. Wanting to seem happy rather than daft, he started preparing salad for lunch, giving himself a purposeful task.

“I’ve never had a gay friend, Ben. Well, one … story for another time … anyway, it’s good to be able … to be able to talk … about gay stuff.”

“Gay stuff?” Ben was amused and stood right behind Callum, looking over his shoulder and getting in his way.

“Oh, shut up. You know perfectly well what I’m trying to say.”

Ben laughed easily. Nudging Callum, he repeated his concern.

“Anyway, don’t change the subject. Do I mince?”

Callum was aware of Ben standing right next to him, their sides pressed together. They often sat close to each other, stood right beside each other and there had been those two amazing hugs; it was as though they needed the proximity. Callum plumped for honesty.

“No, you’re disgustingly sexy. You walk like you’re going to gobble up whoever crosses your path.”

“Disgustingly sexy? And then gobbling?” Ben was enjoying this chat immensely and, spinning around but maintaining contact with Callum, he leaned backwards against the kitchen worktop so that he could see his face.

“Oh for god’s sake, please just ... go away.” Callum’s face was the same colour as the beetroot he was slicing. In less than five minutes, he had basically told Ben how much he fancied him. He glanced at Ben and grimaced by way of apology. “Set the table or something.” Ben chuckled and moved away.

By the time Callum brought lunch to the table, he was back to his normal colour.

“When I make lunch, you get a cheese sandwich. When you make lunch, it’s art.” Ben looked approvingly at the colourful salad.

“Probably doesn’t taste any better. The cheese sandwich was an inspired piece of culinary invention. Listen, I don’t want to talk about the food. I’ve got stuff to tell you …”

Ben interrupted. “Gay stuff?” He winked saucily at Callum.

“Oh my god, you can be a prick. Yes, gay stuff. But it’s a long story and I wanted to make sure we had time … and privacy, in case … well, I’m not intending to be sad about it but, well, I don’t know, do I? I’ve only talked to three other people about it in my life. It didn’t go down well with any of them.” What he wanted was to close the shop, Ben to take the afternoon off and to get on with it. Not for the first time, Ben was in his head.

“Can you take the afternoon off?”

“Yeah, what are you thinking?”

“I think we need to go somewhere else. Get ourselves some space. I’ve got an idea. Grab an overnight bag and then we’ll stop by mine and I’ll get my stuff. I know the perfect place.”


	6. Getting closer

“How has this heap never had to come into my garage?” Ben was astounded by the shabbiness of Callum’s car. “Is this rear door a different colour to the rest?” He walked around the vehicle examining it closely.

“Oh, shut up, Ben. You can only tell because the sun’s shining on it. I’m more than happy to go in your car if you want. Oh wait – you haven’t got a car.”

Ben grinned at Callum’s sass. “Fair point!”

He was keeping their destination secret, not because there was a particular need to do so, but because he was getting a perverse pleasure from witnessing Callum’s nervous excitement. On the surface, it seemed like Callum led a careful life but Ben enjoyed spontaneity, teasing and playfulness and had a strong instinct that Callum would always be right there with him being at least a little bit careless. Certainly, Callum taking less than five minutes to sling overnight things in a bag and lock up his shop and flat showed an appealing eagerness.

Their first stop was to be Ben’s house for him to pick up his stuff. They had been friends for months but had always met at the pub or at Callum’s. Ben wasn’t sure why he hadn’t invited Callum round to his house; he certainly owed him a few lunches. He’d been waiting for a special occasion like a birthday, thinking he might host a party, but he’d found out that Callum’s birthday was four days after his own in March so that was a bit of a wait. In an honest moment, he admitted to himself that he wanted to present his house for Callum to be impressed; the honesty didn’t stretch to interrogating himself as to why he wanted this.

Callum had only once before been to Ben’s house and all that had involved was pulling up on the road outside where you couldn’t really see it; he was very interested to see it properly. As they pulled through the wide wooden gate, the house emerged, set at a slight angle to the gate so that the main façade could just about be glimpsed with its massive window that spanned the full height of the building. The barn was mainly black board but there were some walls painted the softest creamy pink and the whole thing was topped with warm pinkish-red clay tiles. Ben got a kick out of Callum’s evident appreciation.

“You like it?”

“It’s lovely.” By now Callum was out of the car. “Wow! Look at your view. Does that big window look at that?”

“Come in and have a look.” Always firmly squashing to the back of his mind that it had essentially come from his dad, Ben was very proud of his house. He was delighted that Callum liked it and shepherded him into the living room to stand in front of the big window.

“At night, if you’ve got all the lights off, you might see an owl in flight. Have you ever seen that? They’re huge. They have this enormous wingspan. If you’re outside, you don’t hear it, you just have this sense that something flew over you. And then you see it.” Ben was talking in a low voice loaded with awe and Callum glanced at him, taking in his shining eyes and his soft smile. Ben turned and caught him looking and their eyes locked for a second, a highly charged, intense second, before Ben moved.

“I’ll just get my stuff. Two minutes.”

Upstairs in his bedroom, Ben took a long breath and surveyed himself in front of the tall mirror. He wanted Callum, wanted him so much, recognising his longing for what it was as an elemental, carnal force but feeling something new, bigger and more important somehow, exceeding that desire. It wasn’t just a physical attraction - they were best friends and surely that was the perfect recipe for a wonderful relationship: emotional connection, genuine friendship and sexual chemistry. There had now been several moments of extraordinary connection between them and he was sure that there was something there. But did Callum know? If it wasn’t what Callum wanted then Ben did not want to lose what they already had. He promised himself that he would wait for Callum to make the first move. And if he didn’t, that would be that.

Back in the car, once Ben had finished complaining about the lack of air conditioning and audio system, he settled down. This was one of those times where he felt like he’d known Callum for a hundred years.

“When we get there, we’re going to be all about the gay stuff …”

Callum sighed. “Stop it.”

“What?”

“A lot of this is new to me and I don’t have … the vocabulary. And you making fun of me is not going to help.”

“I disagree.” Ben was in mischief mode now.

“With what?”

“Making fun of you amuses me and it makes you smile. You tell me off but your mouth twitches. You think I’m funny. Admit it.”

“You’re hilarious.” Callum scowled determinedly, then realised his mouth was twitching just as Ben said. He laughed. “You are such a pest.” Ben was right – Callum loved the back and forth, the teasing and the playfulness. Ben stripped him of his self-consciousness, soothed his nerves and freed him to be himself. He would never get fed up of that cheeky twinkle as Ben’s naughty, blue eyes focused on him.

Ben put some music on his phone and they sat comfortably listening, or rather Callum listened to Ben singing along. He loved to sing himself but was enjoying hearing his passenger warble his way through the tunes so stayed quiet. It turned out his entertainer had an extensive knowledge of show tunes - Ben was simultaneously the most and least cool person he knew.

After a while, Ben put a hand on Callum’s arm to get his attention.

“While we’re driving, I’m going to tell you about my mum. Then I think we’ll have covered off maternal abandonment and we can start on our gay stories when we get to our mystery destination.”

This took Callum by surprise. Ben had talked a lot about his mum and had never given any hint that she had abandoned him. She was a big part of his life, definitely not a missing part. In addition to that, he’d met Ben’s mum and she was lovely. What story could there be there?

Ben started talking.

“So let me start at the beginning. I exist!” Callum smiled at the reference. “And I get meningitis, leaving me deaf in one ear.”

Callum frowned. “I assumed you were deaf in both. Because of the CI.”

“Oh.” Ben was stunned. People spotted the processor all the time and wanted to know what it was; Callum, however, hadn’t mentioned it. “I am fully deaf now. You know I told you about the boat crash, the one where Denny died. I fell in the water and banged my head on the side of the boat. That’s when it happened.”

Callum glanced across but Ben wasn’t looking back. He was scratching at his temple distractedly and chewing his lip.

“That must have been hard. Losing all of your hearing.”

“Yeah. To say I didn’t cope well would be an understatement. How do you know about CIs?”

“A colleague had one. He struggled with his sometimes … quite a lot to be honest. Sound distortion.”

“Yeah, I get that as well but, on the whole, it’s good. I’m ace at lip-reading as well. So don’t go talking about me across the room.” Ben huffed a laugh but Callum could tell that this was no laughing matter to him. “Well, to reveal the full extent of my abilities, you should know that my eyesight is shocking as well. I wear contacts. Glasses sometimes.” He fell into a sad silence as memories surfaced of Phil’s disappointment in him.

Callum squeezed his knee supportively. “You’re you. It’s all that matters.”

Those two short and simple sentences rocketed through Ben’s psyche, setting him alight with confidence. There was no doubt that Callum meant it – sincerity coursed through his veins. Ben accepted himself; mostly, other people’s acceptance was incidental, it was irritating of course when he was faced with ignorance, but not important to him. Callum, however, was becoming very important to him and it mattered what he thought.

“Anyway, let me tell you about my mum.” Ben heaved a sigh. This story was going to spoil the mood and he just wanted to get it out of the way now. “We moved to South Africa when I was two because my uncle was there and mum wanted us to have a fresh start. Then, when I was five, mum married a friend of my uncle, a man called Gavin. When I was ten, Gavin and mum were killed in a car accident.”

Callum couldn’t make sense of this. Ben’s mum was definitely not dead but he was confident Ben would explain so he kept quiet and waited for the rest of the tale.

“I’d been really happy. Gavin was controlling but mum hid all that from me. To be honest, I remember him being a good step-dad. Anyway, she died and I came back here, ended up with my dad. There’s a lot more to that story but the summary is that I was no longer happy.”

“Then, when I was eighteen, my mum reappeared, having escaped Gavin. She told me and Ian that he’d forced her to go on the run with him, something to do with an insurance scam. But, Callum, is there any reason that would possibly justify leaving your ten year old son and making him believe you’re dead? There IS NOT!” Ben’s voice had become progressively more distressed and the last two words were torn out of him. Callum pulled the car over.

“You can’t tell me a story like that while I’m driving.” He reached across and put both long arms around Ben. Ben resisted initially – he’d spent enough of his life troubled and didn’t want to be a train wreck - and then pressed his head into Callum’s shoulder and accepted the comfort.

“I’m done crying about it. But I am still so angry with her. I don’t think I’ll ever not be angry. But I believe in second chances, I have to, you’ll find out, so I have to forgive her. Every day, I tell myself that I forgive her. Thing is - and I’ve never admitted this to anybody - deep down, I can’t. But I will pretend until the end of my days.” Callum stroked his hair and rubbed his back, much as Ben had done for him the previous night.

“It’s good enough, Ben. Probably the best she can hope for after making such a terrible mistake.”

“We’d call it coercive control now. Or gaslighting. She was completely held by him and I know that must have been terrifying. Don’t think that I don’t get that. I do. It’s why I try so hard to forgive her, to try to make myself forgive her. I think she deserves it. And I love her.”

“It’s good enough, Ben. And I bet she knows it. Your love will be a precious thing to her.”

“It’s enough?” Ben pulled his head back to check Callum’s expression and Callum was struck by the trust and confidence in him. He nodded and Ben mirrored him as if to confirm it for himself, taking a few moments for it to embed.

“Right, let’s get back on the road.”

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” All Callum had to go on was a post code that Ben had put into his phone maps app, propping the phone up on the dashboard so that he could follow the directions.

“I am not. It’s a surprise and you are going to have to exercise some patience.”

Callum smiled. Pesky Ben was back.

They meandered through tiny, old villages and acres of farmland, past picturesque windmills and imposing churches, finally pulling up outside a pub called The Mill Pond at the edge of a glittering river. It wasn’t quite what Callum had expected. At one point, he was sure they were headed for the coast, then he’d thought they would stop in one of the pretty, medieval towns but a pub on the edge of nowhere was a surprise. He couldn’t deny it was lovely, though, romantic, a place you would bring a lover. Ben spoke Callum’s thoughts.

“Don’t worry. We’re here because I know the owners. I’m not trying to seduce you, whisking you away for an impromptu romantic night.” Callum was almost disappointed – he liked the sound of that.

Ben’s relationship with the owners was immediately apparent as they walked through the door.

“Beeennnn!” The loud squeal came from a sharp-faced woman with bright orange hair who swiftly made her way from behind the bar to grab Ben.

“Tina!” Ben allowed himself to be squeezed tightly, flinching when Tina yelled loudly right next to his ear.

“Iq! Iq! Come and see who’s here. Iq!” A pretty woman popped her head around a door to the side of the bar before flinging it open and running in to jump on Ben.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?”

Ben laughed at the pair and straightened himself out after all of the hugging.

“It was a last minute thing. Guys, this is Callum. Callum, my old friends Tina and Iqra.” The women looked at Callum interestedly and then looked back at Ben, impressed. He rolled his eyes and grinned. “Don’t run away with yourselves. We’re not together. We just need some space to have a big conversation and I thought of here, that suite you have with the two rooms would be perfect.”

Tina and Iqra looked at each other, their unwillingness to disappoint written on their faces.

“Oh Ben darling, you need to call. We only have one room free … and that’s only free because of a bit of drama.” Iqra handed the tale over to Tina.

“This mad couple, celebrating their first wedding anniversary, had a huge bust up. Screaming and shouting in the restaurant last night. He left in the middle of the night. She went this morning. But maybe it was meant to be because it means we have a room for you. And it’s a really good room.”

“It’s just one bed.” Iqra looked between Ben and Callum questioningly. “It’s big, though. Six foot. Do you want to have a look?”

Ben looked at Callum and Callum smiled and shrugged amenably so they followed Iqra up the stairs, along a narrow corridor and into a room at the end.

“Oh, now that’s a view.” Callum walked straight over to the large window that opened up fully onto a small balcony edged with a glass balustrade that overlooked the river. Now that they were here, he knew he was going to be opening up to Ben about his calamitous life and, even though it was a step he wanted to take, he was starting to feel nervous. The scene outside the window was serenely tranquil, inviting him to be calm, steadying his panicked nerves.

“This is an old watermill and that’s the mill pond. Hence our name.” Iqra appeared by his side. “It’s so beautiful and this room has the best view of it plus there’s the balcony out there. It turns the corner to the side and there’s a little sofa. This whole window slides back.” Flicking a catch, she demonstrated and, magically, the outside became part of the room. “What do you think of it?”

“It’s amazing.”

Iqra followed his gaze across the pond. “It is … but I meant the room.” Callum turned around. It was a spectacular room and, they were right, the bed was huge. Ben was laid out on a long sofa.

“I can sleep on this.”

Callum smiled at Iqra. “We’ll take it.”

“I’ll bring some bed linen for the sofa. Anything else I can get for you?” She was burning with curiosity about what was going on. Ben had said that he and Callum weren’t together but she could tell they were close.

“Dinner up here? Would that be possible?” Ben thought that the conversation could be difficult, maybe upsetting, and breaking for dinner in the restaurant might not be what they would want to do. Iqra looked at them both in turn, seeing Ben’s care and Callum’s nerves.

“Of course. Do you want to choose or shall I bring you the best thing on the menu?”

“You choose.” Ben gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek and she left. Callum looked at him as he shut the door behind her.

“I can sleep on the sofa.” He was compelled to politeness but hoped Ben would see that he was too tall to comfortably fulfil his offer.

Ben took his shoes off and jumped on the bed. “Okay then.” He laughed at Callum’s disbelieving face. “Of course you can’t. You get the bed, tall guy.” He patted the bed next to him. “It’s probably the most comfy place to have a chat.” Callum sat on the sofa, suddenly anxious.

“I know we’re here to talk and this place is … perfect. It’s so peaceful, so beautiful, like nothing bad could happen here. But I don’t know where to start.” Reaching forward, he removed his shoes, carefully setting them to the side of the sofa, then lay his head back and stretched out his legs. He was quiet in his own thoughts for a few minutes, Ben watching him carefully from across the room. Eventually he spoke again, head still thrown back on the sofa.

“Help me Ben. How do I start?”

Ben shifted his position, lying on the bed on his front with his head towards the bottom, making sure he could see Callum.

“When did you first know you were gay?”

Callum was quiet for a few seconds.

“I don’t think I thought about being gay until I was a teenager. Up to then, I was … surviving. My homelife was hard. Dad was always drunk, every day. There was never much food and the place was filthy. For years, I don’t ever remember my sheets being washed, not until it was me going to the launderette and even then there was not much money so trips there were not that regular. The stink was awful. I’d come back from school and be able to smell it from down the walkway. It was … excruciatingly embarrassing. Stuart and my dad argued a lot and there were things smashed, doors kicked, walls thumped. Our flat was a wreck. You could actually see the knuckle marks on the walls. Dad was unhinged, like he wanted to kill Stu. And Stu was a mess. He’d been in care same as me except I was in foster care and he was in a home. Then he was sent to Young Offenders; he’s never told me what for. As he got older, he completely lost the plot. He did some crazy stuff. One time, he locked a girl in the boot of a car and lit a tyre nearby so that she’d think the car was on fire. He made me watch, made me listen to her terrified screams. You see, there was one thing he and dad agreed on and that was toughening me up. Making a man out of me.” He closed his eyes, tired already. “Gay? How could I be anything?”

Ben lay on the bed, watching Callum. He was such a beautiful person and didn’t know it. Ben wanted to help him know it, wanted to hold him in his arms and make all the anguish go away. But Callum had chosen to sit by himself and Ben would respect that.

Callum continued.

“I was always a bit of an odd bod, like I approached everything differently to the other boys, even when I was young. But the one place I kind of fitted in was football; I even played on the school team. There was this boy, Jamie; he was the captain. I remember once I scored and he ran up and gave me a tight hug, face to face. It was only a moment but I knew it wasn’t right, that I was feeling something nobody else was. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him, sneaking glances when I thought I wouldn’t be noticed. I had to stop playing, pretended I’d hurt my foot, then my leg. Looking back, they all just thought I was being strange as usual.”

“Girls always liked me and I had a few girlfriends but I would dread them wanting to kiss me, or sometimes they’d take my hand and thrust it up their jumpers. God, I hated it. About the same time, I had my first boy kiss, an older kid at school. I hated that as well. He showed me his porn collection, magazine stuff, scaring me half to death. But then it became so accessible on the internet and I couldn’t stop myself from looking. I was … obsessed.”

He looked at Ben then, his face full of shame, his body slumped on the sofa, an unspoken plea for understanding.

“I never had any friends, Ben. I was nice. Why didn’t I have any friends?”

Ben was now sitting on the end of the bed directly across from Callum, as near as he could get without sitting on the floor at his feet.

“My guess would be you were making sure nobody ever came back to your flat. You didn’t want people to see the state of it. You didn’t want people to know about your dad and your brother. But, more than anything, you didn’t want people to know you were gay, because you were brought up to think it was wrong. So you kept people away. Because, Callum, it sounds to me like you’ve always known you were gay.” Callum was crying now and Ben’s heart ached for him, bringing him to tears as well. “You must have been so lonely.” At those words sobbed by Ben, Callum collapsed, his body heaving and shuddering, and Ben finally got him in his arms and they wept together.

Sitting for a while, curled up together on the sofa, they watched the light fading into evening on the mill pond. It was still beautifully warm outside. There was no breeze at all and the surface of the water reflected the surrounding woodland with sharp-edged precision, a delicately marbled sky with blues and turquoises and yellows providing the backdrop above and below. Callum relaxed a little. He wanted to let Ben know how grateful he was.

“It really is beautiful. Perfect. Thank you for bringing me here.”

His nerves were shot and it was just right being held by Ben. The only other person who had held him in his life was Whitney; he had always tolerated it and made his escape as soon as he could think of an excuse. But he thought it was entirely possible that he could stay here with Ben forever. Snuggling closer, he felt Ben kiss the top of his head. Emotionally wrung out, he was so warm and comfortable that he drifted into sleep. Ben felt him go and held him a little closer, dropping more kisses onto his head. Recognising that Callum had worn himself out, he settled down to hold him while he slept.

A little while later, Callum woke. He was still wrapped in Ben’s arms although now they were more lying than sitting.

“You awake?” He heard Ben’s soft enquiry and considered pretending to be asleep because he really didn’t want to move. Ben seemed to know. “No need to move, don’t stir. Wake up in your own time.” It was dusk outside now, the millpond glowing silkily in the grey light, the dark shades of the small wood on the far side merging together. Callum closed his eyes again and listened to the silence through the open window-door. It was even quieter than Edenfield; it was one of the things he loved there. London was full of the sounds of human life twenty-four hours a day; Afghanistan had been full of the sounds of nature with relentless chirruping and squeaking from the local fauna. England actually slept.

A knock on the door disturbed them and Ben extricated himself to open it. Callum sat up, ran his fingers through his hair and straightened his t-shirt. Iqra didn’t come in though, leaving Ben to bring in an armful of bed linen and a trolley of food. He dropped the first on the floor by the sofa and got busy arranging dishes from the second on the small table near the window.

“What have we got?”

Callum stood up, balling the bottom of his t-shirt in his fist and shuffling over to the table. His uncertainty and his hopefulness were equally visible in this small action and Ben’s heart went out to him.

“Iqra is the most amazing Indian cook.”

Ben wasn’t wrong. There was a range of dishes, all beautifully cooked and exceptionally tasty. It was the perfect distraction and they talked about the food and drank beers. Ben told Callum that they were all worried about Bobby since Ian’s return. He discussed his nephew’s mental health problems, how he had been improving since the move from London but had recently been spending hours working on his case against Ian, fixating on finding the truth. They were their usual selves again, all easy conversation and friendship.

When they were finished, Ben started to clear away. He wanted to make the most of the time and the place and Callum hadn’t left school yet. Callum realised it had been uplifting to talk to Ben, to unpack the painful memories, lay them out and have a good look at them. He was safe with Ben and he could tell him the rest.

“Iq said to leave the trolley outside otherwise the room will reek in the morning.”

Ben removed the trolley and went to join Callum standing at the edge of the balcony. The light had gone outside, a small crescent moon providing a subtle hint of the shapes, the dim glow from a table lamp the only illumination. Suddenly Ben darted away to turn off the lamp, returning to Callum and grabbing his arm.

“Look!” Callum followed Ben’s urgent instruction and peered across the pond. “In that tall tree. Follow my arm.” Callum was taller than him so Ben stood directly in front of him, holding out his arm to point him in the right direction.

“An owl.” Callum was awestruck. It was so close and looked like those huge eyes were staring straight at them..

“Just wait.” Ben was whispering as though the owl might hear. “She’s about to go.”

They stood together, spellbound, as the owl appeared to float away from the tree. It was majestic and they watched as her wings stretched out and she swooped across the pond, gliding past right next to them. Ben turned to Callum, his eyes excited and bright, searching for Callum’s response. They locked onto each other and this time they saw it; neither of them pulled away, entranced by each other as their own desires were reflected back to them. A swirling energy spun around them, drawing them in, pushing everything else out.

Callum leant down and stopped, his mouth a hair’s breadth from Ben’s, his hesitation asking the question. Ben nodded, almost imperceptibly, and Callum pressed their lips together. It was slow and sensitive and delicious. For a moment, they stopped, their breath heavy on the air between them. Tender hands lifted to caress each other’s face, and then they closed their eyes, feeling the electrifying connection and coming together, kissing deeply, fully in tune with each other.


	7. Wanting more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that don't like it, there are a couple of descriptive sex scenes in this chapter, each only 250 words (so less than 10% of the chapter), and you can easily jump to the end of the paragraph and skip them. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoy this chapter - it's definitely a big step forward for them.

“I want more.” Callum’s admission came in a low, hoarse growl. Breathless, he rested his forehead on Ben’s, his hand cradling the back of his skull, both overwhelmed and thrilled by the sheer passion and pining in their kisses.

“I want more as well.” Ben reached to hold Callum’s other hand, silently imploring him to let it happen, anxious that this chance for something wonderful might slip away. He lifted his eyes to see Callum looking straight at him, disbelief writ large across wide eyes. If Ben hadn’t already fallen for him, this moment would have done it. “We can have it, Callum. We can.”

They stared, no longer too nervous to hold eye contact, invisible tendrils of longing winding round each other, connecting them irreversibly.

“I want you to hear me out first. Let me tell you the rest.” Callum kept hold of Ben’s hand and led him to the bed, standing the numerous pillows upright so that they could sit up side by side, all the time holding onto Ben’s hand tightly. Almost all he wanted to do was resume the kissing and get as physically close to Ben as possible; his mind was swirling with imaginings of what might happen next, fully certain that it would be amazing. But it was important to him that Ben knew how he had come to this moment, the mistakes he had made along the way, how it had left him confused and frightened. And lonely.

He took a deep breath, glanced at Ben, saw the care he was being shown and almost wept. It was such a massive contrast to when he had told Whitney.

“Ben, I … er … thank you. This means everything to me. That you’ll sit with me and hear me, like really hear me. I’m going to be honest and say it all out loud. Get it out. I need that. I don’t want to carry it with me any more.” He took a minute to compose himself and Ben tucked himself into the pillow next to him, ready to listen. Then he started his story.

“After school, I joined the army. My grandad was a soldier and Dad and Stu told me that it would make him proud. Would have made him proud if he’d been alive. I NEVER wanted to be a soldier. I don’t know why I went along with them, allowed them to determine the path I was going to take. What the fuck was I thinking of? It was just as toxic as you can imagine, too many men all in one place, winding each other up with macho bravado. There were women but they were about as bad as the men. Everybody was so tough and heartless. It was my worst nightmare being around people like that.” A shot of guilt hit him as he criticised his brothers in arms. “That’s not fair of me - they probably weren’t that bad but I wasn’t in a good place so found it all a bit hard. More to do with me than with them.”

“Then I met Chris. We clicked straightaway which was good as we were working in the kitchen alongside each other every day. Every day, talking and laughing and just feeling good. He liked me for me and I’d never had that before. He was gay. I think I knew but I ignored it.” Callum closed his eyes and shook his head. “Actually, that’s a lie. I secretly fantasised about it - so I definitely knew. He knew I was gay as well but he never said anything, never pushed. I have letters he wrote to his sister, she gave them to me at his funeral, he died in a car crash a few years ago, and he talked about me. It was wonderful reading what he thought about me, how much he liked me and how he was prepared to wait for me, but … I let him down. Egged on by the other guys, I kissed some poor drunk woman. Chris was angry, furious, and I told him it was just a kiss and he said - I’ll never forget it - ‘No, Callum, this is a kiss’. And he kissed me and I felt it, I felt something warm and real. I’d always hated kissing but he kissed me and it was amazing.” He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, in doing so letting go of Ben’s hand. Ben scooted up closer and put both arms around him; he would not let Callum break their connection.

“What did you do?”

“I pulled away, shouted at him to stop, told him I wasn’t gay. The rest of the unit ignored him after that, ostracised him, and I … I joined in. I was a coward.”

Callum curled into Ben desperately hoping that he wasn’t pushing him away with his story of spinelessness and was relieved to be held even tighter.

“I left the army. Decided I was going to stop myself thinking about men. But sometimes, I couldn’t stop myself and there’d be nasty little encounters, a hand job in an alley way, a blow job in the toilets. Nothing fun. I hated it all. Hated myself for doing it. I got involved in some dodgy, criminal stuff - I don’t even know how looking back – and my life was on a relentless, downward spiral.”

“And then I met Whitney. She was beautiful and she wanted me. Nobody was more surprised than me. It was so easy with her, being around her, talking to her, loving her. It was just like it had been with Chris except I didn’t dream about her. The sex, any intimacy in fact, made me feel sick. I know that sounds mean but it’s how it was. We got to a point where we just didn’t bother and we were kind of okay with that. Well, of course we weren’t but we persuaded ourselves we were.”

“Then we decided to get married. It seemed like the right thing because we wanted to have a family. I wanted all of that. Then I did it again. Met some guy in the park just weeks before our wedding. I didn’t want to lie to Whit, start our married life on a lie, so I told her. On her hen night. Great timing. She thought we could get past it and I thought we could as well. Then I knew I couldn’t and, with my gift for perfect timing, I left her at the altar.” His tears were as free-flowing as his shame and he hid his face in Ben’s chest. Ben kept his arms around Callum, gently massaging the back of his neck, caring fingers pushing into his hair.

“Callum, you know how you’re gay?"

“Yeah.” A muffled voice sounded from somewhere in Ben’s t-shirt.

“You can’t marry a woman if you’re gay. Well, you can … but you shouldn’t. You did Whitney a favour and one day, if not already, she’ll be glad you did what you did.”

Callum emerged from Ben’s top and, rearranging his pillows, lay on his back.

“I know. I do. But if I’d had more courage I could have spared her the heartache and the embarrassment.”

“Not something you can change. She loved you Callum and I think she’ll know how sorry you are.” Ben gave it a moment for the message to sink in. He was much more keen to discuss Callum’s unhealthy sex life but, of everything that had happened in his life, he could sense Callum was most ashamed of his treatment of Whitney. Callum confirmed this.

“I can’t believe I did it to her. I’m not like that, Ben. It was selfish, treating her like what I wanted was the only thing that mattered. I was dishonest. Unforgiveable.”

“And that doesn’t fit with how you see yourself?”

“No … but I did it. Nobody else was responsible. I did it.” The distress on Callum’s face was tangible and Ben understood that he didn’t want comforting reassurances; rather, he wanted to understand how he had reached those depths, especially as he knew himself to be a kind and honourable person.

“Callum, we’ve all got it in us to be less than the person we want to be. It’s the human condition: we make mistakes, we slip up. Sometimes we don’t even recognise ourselves. Sometimes we do awful things. All you can do is try to live up to your own standards, learn from it when you slip, forgive yourself so that you can move on and be a better person.”

“It was a terrible thing to put her through.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely up there in the annals of worst mistakes ever. But what can you do about it now? You can’t change what you did. You’re sorry, truly, properly sorry. It might feel like it’s not enough but you can’t do any more than that so it has to be enough. It doesn’t make you a bad person. What have you learned from it?”

“I need to accept that I’m gay. Just BE gay. Shove people’s faces in it.” Callum smiled at Ben. “Actually, I learned that last bit from you.”

Ben knew Callum and was aware that he would have spent many hours agonising over his ill-treatment of Whitney without talking to anybody about it. His smile told Ben that talking about it had helped him. Maybe he was also ready to move on and be himself.

“Yeah, well, on that, there’s something you CAN change: the way you have sex with men. It should not be nasty. And it’s as dirty and disgusting as you want it to be – I mean in a fun way. You need to find out that it’s amazing.”

Ben almost begged for Callum to find it out with him but he took a breath and focused on Callum, what he needed and what he wanted. Reaching across, he stroked his face and was rewarded by Callum turning his face to softly kiss his hand.

“I’m getting there. I moved away from dad and Stu so that I was free of their hate for who I am. I wasn’t running away from who I am, I was running away so that I could be who I am.”

Callum’s face was half obscured by the darkness around them, half lit from within. He was so innocent, so trusting that Ben stalled. His heart was drawn to Callum but did they have the same hopes and dreams? He wanted Callum to choose him but it had to come from him not from Ben.

“I just want … I need … are you sure? About us getting closer? We’re best friends and that would be a lot to lose … for me … for you as well … I don’t want … I need to be sure … we won’t be able to rewind …” Still worried about pushing too hard, he was afraid to say the words. The ones that said that he thought they could be amazing together, they could have it all. Callum’s hand caressed his cheek, comforting him, although Ben sensed a slight withdrawal.

“It’s okay. We haven’t gone that far … so we CAN rewind from here. It would have been a bit too good to be true for the stars to align quite so perfectly.” Brave words but spoken sadly and Ben heard the crack of Callum’s heart fracturing.

“Callum, that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t want to rewind.”

Callum watched the emotions skittering around Ben’s eyes and caught hold of what he was trying to say, understanding that he needed some commitment to be on the table.

“Do you want me, Ben? I’m here with you admitting how much I want you. And being excited and happy about it. Kissing before - it’s the first time in my whole life that I’ve welcomed it. It was … amazing.” Lack of confidence kicked in. “Wasn’t it?”

“Oh my god I do want you … so much … you take my breath away. The kissing was breath-taking.” Ben’s mood visibly lifted and his eyes flashed cheekily down at Callum. “But we could check if you like.” He slid down so that they were face to face, smiling at Callum, eyes dark with lust. “Don’t overthink it. Just feel it. Feel it when I put my hand on your cheek. Think about how it’s going to feel when I kiss you. Then feel it, all of it, when I kiss you.” His voice was soft and seductive and Callum was hypnotised, existing totally in the moment. Ben placed a gentle hand on his cheek and trailed his fingers down, over his jaw and down his neck. He was focused on Callum’s lips and glanced up briefly to see hungry eyes watching him. The eyes dropped to his lips and he felt a strong hand in the middle of his back, bringing him closer. Time stopped for a moment, then their lips met, gently brushing, lighting a fuse. Callum had a hand behind Ben’s head, the other in the small of his back now, and his breath was heavy, begging Ben for more. Ben ran a finger over Callum’s bottom lip, feeling him gasp, and moved in, gently sucking that lip, feeling the tremor run through Callum’s body. He ran his fingers down his back exploring his shoulders, coming down to his hips. Their eyes caught hold of each other again and the flames flickered and grew as they crashed their lips together, their tongues exploring, desperate moans escaping as they stuck their bodies together, hands pressing firmly to secure their connection, fires blazing within them. They couldn’t stop. Callum had no experience of kissing like this: frantic, messy, clumsy kisses that sent heat sizzling through his veins and had his head burning with desire.

“Oh god Ben, I’m sorry. I feel like I’m devouring you.”

“You’re not serious?” Ben pulled away briefly, gazing hungrily at Callum. “I am more than up for being devoured. Don’t you dare stop.”

By now, their hands were exploring inside their clothes, giving them a thrilling touch of bare skin, fingers teasing and probing.

“Are you up for taking some of these off?” Ben knew this was an important step; from what Callum had told him, he had never been naked with a man.

“Yeah. All of them.” Callum barely stopped kissing him as he answered then pulled Ben’s t-shirt over his head followed by his own. They grappled with each other’s jeans, wriggling out of them and then, kneeling on the bed, resumed their kissing, pushing into each other, fingers inside the waistbands of their underwear, reaching downwards. Ben moaned, a loud, keening sound, making his yearning clear. They looked at each other then and Callum pushed down Ben’s shorts, staring open-mouthed, at the last moment unable to comprehend that he had a fully naked man in front of him and he was about to be the same as Ben pulled down his boxers. He stopped breathing.

“Don’t panic.” Ben’s hands sat firmly on Callum’s hips, steadying him. Callum blushed and Ben laughed and pushed him over, lying on top of him and railing against him. It was exhilarating and Callum gave up trying to think, letting wave after wave of intense ecstasy take him as he came, spilling over his stomach. Crushed with embarrassment, he covered his face with his hands.

“God, Ben, I’m sorry.” 

“You have got to stop apologising. That was hot. Don’t move.” Ben disappeared into the bathroom and emerged a few seconds later with a warm, wet cloth with which he proceeded to clean Callum and himself, dropping kisses onto his shoulders, along his jawline, gently nipping his nipples – and hearing Callum’s excited gasp at that - catching his eye and smiling from ear to ear. It was tender and gently playful and Ben was palpably happy; Callum couldn’t help himself and a small, choked sob escaped. Ben threw the cloth on the floor and draped himself over Callum, adoring eyes scanning his face.

“You know you’re beautiful, yeah? I bet nobody’s ever said it, but you know, right?”

“It takes more than a good body and a nice face.”

“Yes it does. And you have it. You’re beautiful.” Ben was sincere and Callum could see it. Turning towards him, he kissed Ben, this time with slower, more languid kisses, charged with emotion. He listened to Ben’s little moans, a small flutter bubbling up in his stomach with each one; it was intoxicating and he just wanted more.

Hands and mouths moving over their bodies, they searched for those parts that were most sensitive. It was overwhelmingly exhilarating and, for Callum, every nerve ending was tingled, every skin cell alive with anticipation. He was nervous, unsure of how bold he should be but also aware that Ben was waiting for him always to move first. The thought of them touching each other’s cocks was making him feel faint with desire so, heart in his mouth, he grazed the top of Ben’s with gentle fingers. Ben’s eyes opened abruptly, then rolled back in his head as he groaned.

“Yes Callum, baby, more of that.”

It was like a magic door had opened and Callum gave him more, all the time watching him, wanting this to be good for him and intending to figure out what he liked. Ben was expressive: he stopped breathing, he gasped and moaned, uttered desperate expletives, squeezed his eyes tight shut and then opened them quickly, looked at Callum in awe. Placing his hand over Callum’s, he tightened his grip and increased his pace, having no idea how much it meant to Callum that he would let him know how to get it exactly right. They watched each other, eyes tethered together, adding a layer of delicious intimacy, until Ben’s hips lifted and his breathing became erratic and Callum knew he was close. He slid down and finished him off with his mouth, swallowing deeply as Ben almost howled with pleasure.

“Get up here.” Ben’s voice was husky and a little tremulous. Callum did as he was told and Ben kissed him firmly, before burrowing his face in his neck. “Wow!” It was muffled but Callum felt it and a fizz of excitement buzzed through him as he realised how good it had been for Ben.

They lay wrapped in each other’s arms, legs interleaved, warm skin on skin. Callum finally understood the meaning of bliss. It was as though he was in a cocoon of total happiness, with Ben, where they belonged together.

“I’ve never done this. Actually there’s a few things. First time I’ve been naked with a man. First time I’ve been in a bed with a man. First time I’ve hugged a man.” Callum smiled at Ben. He could have felt inexperienced, self-conscious, but he was confident that none of it mattered. He was who he was, Ben wanted him and his delight was stratospheric.

“So how is it going for you, first timer?” Ben was teasing … and he was asking.

“I’m having the first times of my life.” Callum sought out Ben’s mouth and kissed him to affirm his statement. “I’m guessing none of it’s new to you.” He looked shyly at Ben. “Will you tell me your gay story?”

Ben hadn’t expected to be talking about himself but lying comfortably entwined with Callum, it seemed like the right time and he began.

“Okay. I tried not to be gay for a decade, the one from ten to twenty - Lexi is evidence of that. Before that I don’t think I thought about it although Mum says it was obvious from me being a tot. My dad was like yours, couldn’t accept it. It was messy to be honest. I was a mess and made a lot of mistakes. I tried to kiss this older guy once and, when he held me off, I told my dad he’d tried to kiss me. It caused a lot of trouble. I was a whole load of trouble. Even tried a girlfriend again after Lo. So you’re not the only one. But, when I was twenty, I met Paul and I fell in love. He was flirty, fun, fearless. And instead of seeing Ben Mitchell, resident nightmare, he saw some good in me. Liked me. Loved me. It was amazing. He helped me embrace being gay; taught me to be proud. And then, we were out one night and some guys started having a go. Because we were gay. I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut and they attacked us, beat us up.” Ben fell silent and Callum could feel that he had withdrawn into himself.

“That’s awful.”

Ben shook his head, tears spilling down his face. He hadn’t thought about Paul’s death in a long time and, for a moment, he couldn’t speak. When he eventually spoke, it came out in a whisper.

“He didn’t survive the attack. Callum, he died.”

Callum held him close, not saying anything but clearly communicating his empathy, and they were silent for a long time before Ben resumed his story.

“We weren’t together that long but Paul changed me. From then on, I was as big a gay as I could be – he made me proud of it. But I think I also wielded it like a weapon to make people feel uncomfortable, to challenge people’s prejudices for sure but also just being an arse. I’m not sure he would have understood that. For a couple of years afterwards I steered clear of attachment, indulged in lots of hook ups. Then, when I was twenty-three, I met Sam. We were great together, he moved into my dad’s and we totally had each other’s backs … until we didn’t. He was a police officer, not a great fit for my family, and he … he betrayed us. He chose his job ahead of me. I was broken-hearted, thought it must mean that I wasn’t enough for him. But that wasn’t it; not too long ago, I finally understood that he wasn’t enough for me.”

He decided on a cards on the table approach. “I’m looking for the one, you see. The one who would always put me first.” Callum was quiet and Ben didn’t dare look at him, recognising that his statement, although truthful, was a lot to process. Bringing himself back from dreams of the future, he returned to the present and adopted a lighter tone.

“Then I made a friend. A best friend. Gorgeous guy, inside and out. I thought he was straight, to be honest with you. Talked about football a lot and wore dodgy shirts. Those tight jeans should have been a giveaway though.” He looked intently at Callum. “He’s the next step for me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. What do you think?”

“I think that sounds like a plan.”

Ben thought he sensed some hesitancy.

“I have a big, soft, hopeful heart, Callum. Am I going too fast?” There was such an easy honesty between them, he knew it was alright to ask and he equally knew that Callum would give a straight answer.

Callum was trying to steady himself. Did Ben mean that he could be the one for him? For Callum, this meant building a life together. It was an exciting thought but he never let himself think like this - it made him feel vulnerable. Or maybe he lacked courage. He was full of admiration that Ben was wearing his heart on his sleeve and wanted to reciprocate.

“We’re fast. It’s how we are. I met you one day and by the next morning you were my best friend. We’re slow as well. We’ve spent months as best friends, hiding that we’re gay both believing that the other was straight, but we’ve always been close. And perhaps not always hiding that we fancied each other.” Ben looked at him quizzically. “Come on Ben, we got physically close quite often, holding hands, pressing legs together – not really what just good friends do. Anyway, now we’re fast again. We’ve had our first kiss and before the night’s out we’re planning to give us a go as a couple. We’ve both got big, soft, hopeful hearts.” He moved closer to Ben and dropped a feather-light kiss on his lips. “It’s exciting. I’m excited … but a bit overwhelmed. I … er … I need to sleep. Are you okay to sleep?”

Ben nodded. He wasn’t quite ready for sleep, his mind racing with the idea that he and Callum were going to give their relationship a go, but Callum’s face was crumpling with exhaustion and he wanted to give him the space he needed. He started to get up, despondently thinking about organising his bed on the sofa, but Callum held him back.

“I’m going to get a shower first but do you want to share this bed with me?”

It was exactly what Ben wanted.

“I do. Can I share the shower as well?”

This was something Whitney had repeatedly suggested and Callum had resisted, telling her it was a personal, private space, yet he couldn’t get Ben in there fast enough. Washing Ben, Ben washing him, was profoundly sensual and when Ben dropped to his knees, Callum thought the delirium was going to overcome him as he recognised that he had never wanted something quite so badly. Ben’s fingers were on his perineum, pressing lightly against his hole. Another first. It was tantalising, taking all his breath away and sending shimmers up his spine. Ben’s mouth was tight around him and Callum could feel his tongue against his glans and around the base of his head, making him tremble with pleasure. He ran his fingers through Ben’s wet hair wanting to offer something, anything , back for the exquisite attention he was receiving. Ben darted a look upwards, eyes shining and smiling. His mouth reached further down and Callum had an irrepressible urge to thrust as Ben got his hands around Callum’s bottom and pulled him in. Eyes on each other, they both understood what they were doing and Callum started gently thrusting. He could feel his orgasm simmering, beginning to build when Ben suddenly came off his dick with a pop and, with a quick, saucy peek at Callum, he flicked his tongue around Callum’s slit, trailed his finger along the sensitive skin of the perineum and pressed his hole again, before plunging his mouth back down on Callum’s cock. It was too much and Callum erupted, his legs buckling and almost taking Ben down with him, as his seed spilled over the floor of the shower and was washed away.

“Oh god, I am such a fucking novice,” he moaned. “Novice!” he repeated, speaking clearly at Ben.

“Did you enjoy it? I did. I really did.” Ben’s eyes searched him and Callum grasped that some reassurance was needed. They were kneeling on the floor of the shower, the water was still tumbling over them so Callum turned it off and pulled Ben out, wrapping himself in a towel and handing one to Ben. He mimed his head exploding.

“Mind-blowing!”

Ben’s beaming face showed his pleasure.

After drying themselves off, they crawled under the covers and lay facing each other.

“I didn’t know it could feel like that.” Callum mimed his head exploding again and Ben laughed.

“Just talk. You’re easy to lip-read. Your mouth makes the shapes of the words.” He traced Callum’s lips with his fingers and leaned in to kiss him, shuffling closer for a cuddle. It was warm and loving and they luxuriated in each other’s arms, feeling every breath they each took, learning each other’s shape and smell, picking up their rhythms until they finally fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, Ben woke. Callum had turned in his sleep and was lying on his back, an arm still reaching around Ben. Ben leaned up on his elbow and gazed at him. He was incredibly handsome and Ben spent a few minutes memorising every detail of his face, his neck, his shoulders. The sex tonight had been inexpert for sure but it had felt great and been wonderfully intimate and Ben had an idea there was a lot more to come. He had been drooling over Callum’s backside for weeks and getting his hands on it had been very satisfying. But he didn’t want a relationship that was primarily physical. He had no doubt that he was going to have amazing sex with Callum but what he really wanted, what he needed, was love and it was too early to be certain of that.

Snuggling into Callum, he knew for certain that this was going to be something. They understood each other, they fit together, they made so much sense.

+++

Morning at The Mill Pond was a lazy affair for Ben and Callum, starting with renewed kissing upon waking. They were mindful that their businesses were closed and were both keen to get back by lunchtime so they got up and got dressed and decided to enjoy a last few minutes outside on the balcony. The morning was warm with a breath of a breeze softly rippling the pond’s surface, creating shimmering slithers of light in the sun. Hidden birds sat in the leaves, chirping their appreciation for life, summing up perfectly Ben’s and Callum’s mood as they sat on the small, rattan sofa, curled up together, enjoying their closeness.

A knock on the door announced a breakfast trolley. Callum collected it and wheeled it onto the balcony, parking it in front of the sofa, and joined Ben again who was reading a message on his phone.

“Just had a text from Lola. We’ve been rumbled.” He handed the phone to Callum.

_You go on a mysterious night away … and so does Callum! Please say you’re together xxx_

Ben wanted to get on with being official.

“Shall we send her a photo?” He held the phone at arm’s length, Callum leaned in and the photo was taken. They looked at it.

“We look happy.” Callum thought they looked like they were in love.

“We look cute.” Ben thought they were a ridiculously good-looking pair. And they looked like they were in love.

The photo was sent.

Almost immediately, a text came back in.

_Whaaattt??? You sly dogs! Soooo happy for you both xxx_

They ate breakfast companionably, enjoying the beautiful peace. Ben was confident that Lola would keep their news to herself but he wasn’t quite so confident that Lexi wouldn’t sniff it out. She was a nosey little madam.

“Lexi is going to suss us out in a heartbeat so I would like to tell her something she can understand about us. I don’t want to hide us from her … but let’s agree how we approach it with her.”

“What would she understand?”

Ben hesitated, knowing he was about to use a big word at a very early stage in their relationship but having a feeling that it was the right word at the right time.

“I want to tell her that we’re boyfriends. It’s a clear word, one that she understands. How do you feel about that?” He watched Callum carefully, wondering if he would see uncertainty, but instead saw him nodding calmly in agreement.

“I think it’s important to be honest. And we ARE boyfriends so that’s what we should tell her.” Callum was so matter-of-fact that Ben almost laughed; it was always so easy with him.

“One potential problem is that she will jump ahead. Sam was my boyfriend and he lived with us. She’s going to ask if we’re going to be living together.”

“Tell her the truth. We’re new boyfriends so we’re going to stay living in our own homes for now. Will you explain that sometimes we’ll stay over or will we need to get up early to get back to our own places?” Callum almost didn’t recognise himself as he spoke. Who was this person who knew all about conducting a love affair around children?

“We’re not skulking around so yeah I’ll explain about staying over. She’ll be excited that you’re there, she’ll sulk with me when I’m not, then the novelty will wear off and she’ll think we’re boring.”

Ben wasn’t sure if should raise the next issue but, reassured by Callum’s pragmatism, he decided it was safe.

“Next issue, when Sam and me split up, she never saw him again. If she asks, we need to reassure her that won’t happen with you.”

“Lexi was my friend before you were. That’s what I would tell her.”

Ben did laugh then. “Of course. And I would be the villain of the piece! Anyway, we’ve only just got together so I am NOT thinking about us splitting up.”

“Agreed.”

“So boyfriends, Callum, you and me?” Ben could feel the excitement rising and knew he was in danger of becoming over-excited, like a daft puppy. “Feels right, doesn’t it?”

“It’s just right. Feels just right.”

Ben crawled up so that he was practically sitting on Callum’s lap.

“I’m horribly clingy. Require a lot of attention. Are you going to be able to satisfy my needs?” He was murmuring in Callum’s ear and nibbling his neck, having learned it was a weak spot for Callum and he could probably ask for the moon when he was paying it some attention.

“You’re not going to put me off. It won’t matter how much of a pest you are.” Callum lifted Ben’s chin and kissed him tenderly on the lips, making sure he had eye contact. “And I am definitely going to be able to satisfy you.” Ben’s eyes widened in delight and they deepened the kiss, arousing their passion. Callum got hold of Ben firmly and stood up, carrying him back to the bed.


	8. Telling All

Arriving back in Edenfield felt a little strange. Everything the same yet different. Callum parked the car with his usual trepidation under the ramshackle car port and they got out of the car, instantly moving together for a kiss. Callum looked at the adoration shown in Ben’s face and made a decision.

“Leave your bag in the car. Let’s go to The Fox.”

Ben knew what he was suggesting and he was ready.

They walked up the road hand in hand. Callum was racking up his firsts. He pushed open the door to the pub and entered, followed by Ben. Jay, Honey and Shirley were at the bar chatting with Mick and Linda.

“Hello boys. What can …” Mick stopped dead and smiled broadly. “Well, about time. I was beginning to think you two were never going to get your act together.” At his words, the others swung round full of smiles.

Callum looked confused but Ben simply laughed, put his arm round his boyfriend and looked up at him.

“Not a surprise to them, I’m afraid, babe.” He looked around the assembled company. “So come on then, what gave us away?”

Honey got hold of their hands.

“The main clue, you darling boys, is the way you always want to be next to each other. Little looks between you. Little touches. We’ve all been enjoying it so much.”

Mick handed them each a bottle of beer.

“On the house. To celebrate!”

Their friends were obviously delighted for them and wanted to know all about how they had turned the corner, so they told their story.

“What do you mean, you thought each other was straight? How could you not tell?” Linda was flummoxed by the idea. “We could all tell.” Jay shook his head.

“To be fair, we couldn’t tell with until they became friends and couldn’t leave each other alone. Well, maybe we could with Ben.”

“What? So I fit some kind of gay stereotype?” Ben was indignant. “I don’t go round with a sign on my head.”

The conversation moved onto another regular, Nigel, thankfully not in the pub to overhear the fun being made of him. Jay started it.

“Nigel was gutted when Callum turned up. He’d been all eyes for Ben.”

Ben refuted that. “He was not.”

“Oh come on, how many times did he follow you into the loo?” Shirley laughed at Ben’s outraged face.

“I did my very best straight impression to put him off.” The rest of them howled. “No, don’t give me that. I can be convincing. How could he have been certain I was gay?”

“Well, to start with, the way you strut around.” Shirley nudged him playfully to show him she was teasing.

Ben threw his arms down in despair. “I do NOT mince.” But he had to smile at everybody laughing at him. “I don’t care how much you rib me. It’s not true.” He did an exaggerated little sashay to demonstrate, giggling with every step. “YOU like it, don’t you, babe?”

“I like YOU. But that just then, erm …” Callum wrinkled his nose. Ben’s face fell dramatically and Callum instantly stepped forward to hug him, accepted by the joker who winked smugly at the rest of them over Callum’s shoulder, renewing the hilarity.

“What?” Callum was confused as he let Ben go, wondering if he was the joke but seeing quickly that Ben was being playful; he shook his head in exasperation but was secretly delighted that his boyfriend was so much fun.

It had been a revelatory twenty-four hours, showing him what his world could look like viewed from the stars.

+++

Later that day, behind the counter in his shop, Callum was feeling slightly less stratospherically happy. Only slightly. Lunchtime in The Fox had been a lot of fun with their friends genuinely celebrating that he and Ben were together but now it felt like Ben would have all sorts of people to tell about his new boyfriend while he had literally nobody to tell. If he could have organised impromptu sky-writing, his excitement would have been displayed for all to see.

The after-school busy time happened as usual and Callum found out that his absence had been noted. His gaggle of female admirers were definitely curious.

“You were shut yesterday afternoon. Did you go away?”

“Go anywhere nice yesterday?”

And then from Stacey Slater, egged on by Kat, came the deciding question.

“Away for a night of passion, were you?”

Although somewhat taken aback by the fact that people he didn’t really know seemed to think they should know his comings and goings, Callum decided to fuel the village gossip machine.

“I was as it happens.”

It was obviously an unexpected reply as the shop fell silent. All ears stopped to listen, all adult ears anyway; the children were not in the least bit interested.

“Ooh, anyone we know?” Kat leaned across the counter, her chin in her hand. She loved a bit of gossip.

“Yeah, you might.” Everybody waited for him to add details but Callum was enjoying winding them all up and stayed silent. Stacey was not in a patient mood.

“Well, who’s the lucky lady?”

“I’m not a ladies’ man.” It took a moment for the hint to land.

“Who’s the lucky man, then?” Stacey asked the question but looked affronted, as though she thought Callum had lied.

“I’m not saying just yet.”

The throng of women usually pushing for his attention had lost interest in the click of a finger. If only he’d known how easy it would be to get them to leave him alone. There was nothing more to say and seeing almost everybody move away, Callum looked around and saw it was just him and Kat now. After their first meeting, she had stopped flirting with him, seemingly the only one of her crowd who had got the message that he wasn’t interested. It made him more inclined to like her.

“That explains everything. No wonder you weren’t interested in me.” Callum looked at her in disbelief and then laughed as he saw a cheeky flicker in her eyes and realised she was being ironic. “So spill the beans. You can tell me.” Callum shook his head firmly.

“You’ll find out soon enough, I’m sure. There are other people who don’t know yet who need to know before you.”

“He’s got kids then?” Kat was sharper than she acted. Callum shook his head again and smiled.

“No more clues.” 

Kat giggled. “I’m glad you’ve found some happiness, Callum.” Callum heard the sincerity in her words.

“Careful Kat, or we’ll end up being friends.”

“Promises, promises.” She grinned at him before cackling her way out of the shop.

She was the last to leave and, standing in his empty shop, he found himself wondering if he would see Ben later … for a split second as a text came in.

_Picking Lexi up from dance club at 5. You fancy making us dinner and we can tell her our news together? xx_

Checking his watch, he saw he had perhaps half an hour before they arrived so he closed the shop and went upstairs. He put the oven on, quickly rustled up some chocolate muffins for the shop for the following day and, while they were baking, he put the rice on and started breading some chicken, whilst defrosting some leftover curry sauce from the freezer and steaming some green vegetables. Callum was tidy in the kitchen usually but, at this moment, it looked like a bomb had gone off. Then the doorbell sounded. He ran downstairs to let in Ben and Lexi.

“Smells amazing.” Ben’s compliment fell on deaf ears as Callum raced back up the stairs. Ben and Lexi raised eyebrows at each other and followed him. Arriving in the front room, Ben saw the problem.

“Sweetheart, go and sit down and read your book while I help Callum.” Ben started washing up, wiping down surfaces and generally tidying, all the time watching Callum out of the corner of his eye. Callum paid him no attention and concentrated on the food. Ben observed him warily, sensing his stress.

“It’s sweet, you know.”

Callum jerked his head round almost as though he hadn’t realised there were other people in the room. “What is?”

“You making chicken katsu because it’s Lexi’s favourite. But I only gave you half an hour’s notice. It’s not a half hour’s notice kind of dinner especially when you’re baking muffins at the same time.”

“It’s fine. I’ve done it.”

“Yeah but now you’re stressed out.”

Callum ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Ben desperately wanted to give him a hug but the eyes in the back of his head saw that Lexi was watching them carefully.

“Come and set the table Lex.”

Lexi danced into the kitchen straight up to Callum, wrapping her arms around him.

“Did you make chicken katsu for me?”

“I did.” His anxiety dissipated as he gazed down at her twinkly eyes and felt her little fingers squeezing his waist.

“Thank you. You’re the best.” She smiled up at him and waltzed away to set the table. With her back to them, Ben took the opportunity to give him a quick hug and did some more washing up while Callum plated up the dinners, more relaxed now.

Dinner was a success with Lexi, a picky eater at the best of times, eating everything. She finally put down her knife and fork and looked at Callum then Ben.

“Okay spill the tea. You’re both being weird.” Nine going on nineteen.

Ben looked at Callum and reached for his hand, then looked back at Lexi.

“Callum and me are …”

“Yes!” Lexi’s squeal made them both jump. “At last!”

“At last what?” Ben’s quizzical face stopped her for a moment.

“You said Callum and you are …”

Ben gave her a hard stare. “What? What did I say? I don’t think I’ve said anything yet.”

Lexi clamped her mouth shut, getting Ben’s message loud and clear. He wanted to be the messenger. He carried on.

“Okay, so we have something to tell you. Callum and me are boyfriends. Do you know what that means?”

“You’ve been best friends for ages and now you’re going to be each other’s special person and Callum might come and live with us. But, Daddy, if you split up with Callum, I was friends with him first, so I won’t be splitting up with him.” All the issues dealt with in one go.

“That’s what I told Daddy as well.” Lexi and Callum grinned at each other conspiratorially, then chuckled and bumped fists.

“Oh my god, you’re already ganging up against me.” Ben faked a sulk but inside was elated that this was the dynamic. Lexi had been looked after by Callum a few times; he was definitely her child carer of choice after Ben, Lola and Kathy so Ben knew they got on well. With Sam, Lexi had got on with him because he was Ben’s boyfriend but her relationship with Callum had been forged separately from Ben. He knew for certain that Lexi liked Callum a lot.

“So, if you get married, can I choose my own bridesmaid’s dress?”

Ben was appalled. “Lex!”

Callum was unfazed. “Yes.” He picked up that Ben was shocked. “What? She said ‘IF’. She knows it’s not a definite.”

“Of course I know it won’t definitely happen.” Lexi rolled her eyes at Ben. “But I think there’s more chance of you getting married than Mum.”

“How about we play cards?” Ben was hugely embarrassed and wanted to get off this topic; his suggestion was deemed acceptable and they started to clear up. Lexi was especially helpful. She cleared away the plates, loading them into the small dishwasher and made sure everywhere was tidy, then returned to the table. The game got underway and soon they were absorbed in the play with Callum understanding he was going to have to be extremely vigilant making sure both Ben and Lexi didn’t cheat.

After a while, Ben could see Lexi start to fade.

“Time for home sweetheart.” He stroked her cheek affectionately.

She pulled a pathetic face at him. “Will you carry me, Daddy?” He looked at her, aghast.

“You are kidding? You’re nine years old and it’s almost a mile away.”

But Callum could see that Lexi was tired and could imagine that the walk up the hill might be too much.

“I’ll drive you.” Ben looked at him gratefully.

“That’d be great.” The gratitude turned to hopefulness. “Do you … do you want to stay over?”

Callum looked at his tidy kitchen and a vague suspicion that Lexi had been thinking ahead flitted through his consciousness. If his flat had been a mess, he would have said no but Lexi had even put the muffins into containers and started the dishwasher.

“Yeah. Let me just grab some stuff.”

Ben was fully aware that Lexi’s unusual helpfulness and her fake tiredness were all about getting Callum to their house. If he wasn’t careful, she would have Callum moved in, she’d be planning their wedding and his new boyfriend would be quickly scared off. He knew he shouldn’t let her get away with it but he wasn’t inclined to subvert her efforts because he too wanted Callum to spend the night with him. All afternoon he had been replaying elements of the previous night in his mind and his favourite thing had been waking up and Callum being there. He wanted to be with him; it was that simple.

The journey was just a jump and Callum got out of the car, backpack slung over his shoulder and wondered how he had got to this position, staying in this beautiful house because it belonged to his sexy, funny, loving boyfriend. He almost laughed aloud with a spurt of joy when Lola fired out of the house and grabbed his hand.

“Come in, come in. Ben texted me to say you were staying over.”

As Ben went to read a bedtime story to Lexi, Lola poured herself and Callum a glass of wine and they settled down in the living room for a chat. Lola wanted to know everything.

“I’m so happy it’s you he’s with. How did it all happen? How did Lexi react?”

Callum told her about their straight/gay confusion, about their night at The Mill Pond (sparing her the intimate details) and recounted the conversation with Lexi. Lola listened carefully.

“So she’s got you married off. No pressure then.”

“One day at a time, Lo. I really like Ben. He makes me feel like … like I’m in the right place with the right person. He’s great. We’re great together. But … we’re friends as well, yeah, me and you, Lo? Whatever happens with Ben, we’re friends?”

Lola sipped her wine. She liked Callum enormously.

“If you hurt him, treat him badly, then no. Ben’s my family. If he hurts you, I’ll kill him for being an idiot. But Callum, I’ve got a good feeling about this. Let’s hope for good things.” They chinked glasses.

When Ben arrived back downstairs, he poured himself a glass of wine and joined them in the living room. They were talking about how long summer had lasted given that it was well into October and, for a moment, Ben just relaxed with them as background noise. He knew they were friends because he’d heard each of them talk about the other but this was the first time he had witnessed it and it made him think that Callum was even more perfect. Much as he wanted Callum and Lola to be great friends, though, he wanted to get his hands on Callum more and he gave Lola a pointed look. She took the hint.

“Well, I’m going to watch telly upstairs. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Callum watched as she kissed Ben, a soft peck on the forehead, realised he was going to get the same and, after he’d received his kiss, she left. Ben immediately came to sit with him and snuggled in, smooching his neck, fingers unbuttoning his shirt.

“Is Lexi likely to come down? I don’t feel that comfortable being, you know …”

“She sleeps like the dead but, you’re right, probably best to keep sex to the bedroom. Need to manage the noise a bit at home. And, afterwards, put some shorts or something on, just in case she comes in when she wakes up.” He observed Callum’s serious face knowing he didn’t have to be concerned - there was no doubt that Callum would respect Lexi and Lola. “Kiss me Callum. Please. I’m getting tired of waiting.”

Callum kissed him then, knowing already how Ben would moan when Callum’s tongue touched the back of his teeth, how his breath caught when he sucked on his bottom lip or how his eyes would roll back as his collarbone was kissed. There was such pleasure in it for both of them that it was enough. They lay on the sofa, keeping tight hold of each other, unwilling to break their lips apart. They could hardly breathe but still they continued kissing, present entirely in that moment, all of their senses concentrated on that single action.

Eventually, they had to stop. It was either that or faint.

Ben looked at Callum’s mussed hair, flushed cheeks, eyes full of pupils, bitten lips swollen and red, parted slightly as he stared in wonder back at him. He probably looked the same and it was inviting, a firm promise of desire, and Ben wanted to know what they might get up to.

“I know you’ve got nothing to compare it with, but I have never kissed anybody like we kiss. It’s incredible. What else are you into?”

Callum maintained his gaze at Ben. He didn’t know how to have this conversation but was glad it was happening because it had been burning a hole in his brain.

“I … er … I don’t know. I’ve never been with anyone that makes me feel like this. To be honest, I think all you need to do is kiss me. And moan. You moaning does it for me. In the shower last night - I was into that. It was mind-blowing. When you sucked my nipples I thought I was going to turn inside out. And there was a thing you did when you pressed your fingers flat against my arsehole which, well, yeah, that was something. I think I’d like it, you inside me, me inside you, both ways. Is that what you’re asking?”

Ben was looking at him as though he had hung the moon and the stars. He leaned in seductively, gripping Callum’s eyes so hard he couldn’t look anywhere else.

“Yeah. I wasn’t expecting such a comprehensive answer. You’re amazing Callum. Always surprising. How about we leave the fucking for when we’re at your flat and we can experiment more freely? I want to spend some time and find out exactly what does it for you.” His eyes flashed passionately. “ And then I want to do it until you’re a quivering wreck.”

Callum’s emotions derailed at the mere thought of Ben reducing him to a quivering wreck. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Ben, his mind in overdrive about what was ahead of him and he shifted position as he became increasingly aroused. Ben glanced down and spotted the source of discomfort.

“Let’s go upstairs and I’ll help you with that.” He smiled as he stood up and pulled Callum to standing, holding his hand firmly as he switched off lamps, making him trail behind him, a clear message that he wasn’t letting him go. They went through a door at the end of the living room into a small hallway, with a room on the other side and another staircase.

“Lexi’s and Lo’s rooms are at the other end of the building, different staircase to this one. So we do have a bit of privacy.”

Ben’s bedroom was minimally furnished. He pointed out his walk-in wardrobe and bathroom and encouraged Callum to use both freely. All of a sudden, Callum felt unsure of himself. Here he was in his boyfriend’s bedroom, clinging onto his little backpack. He didn’t know how to do this. What was he supposed to do?

Ben saw the new nerves and stepped directly in front of Callum, taking the bag away from him.

“There is nothing smooth about you, is there?” His mischievous twinkle was in full play. “So, let’s not be smooth. Let’s play a game. You have to take off one item of clothing for every item in your bag that I can guess correctly.” Callum relaxed a little and chuckled. He loved Ben in this kind of mood.

“Alright but anything you get wrong, you take one item off.”

“Deal. How many things are you wearing?” Ben was too confident; Callum instantly saw how he was going to lose this game.

“Six.”

“Okay. Hair gel, toothbrush, toothpaste, anti-perspirant, socks, pants.” Ben grinned at him, eyebrows raised suggestively.

“It’s not a game if we’re not both playing.” Ben’s eyebrows raised even higher at this.

“Okay, Highway. Challenge away. How are you going to get my clothes off?”

Callum locked eyes on Ben and with a coy smile took off his jumper, backed into the dressing room and placed it on a chair, all the time keeping his eyes on his cheeky boyfriend.

“Hair gel. You think you’re so funny mentioning that first.”

Ben’s mouth twitched. He did think he was funny. Callum sat on the chair and took off his socks.

“Toothbrush and toothpaste.”

Next, his t-shirt came off, followed by his jeans and boxers.

“Anti-perspirant. Pants and socks.” Ben was almost drooling at the sight of his stark naked boyfriend. Callum grinned at him and turned and sauntered into the bathroom. Ben heard the sound of the shower and within a few seconds, he was undressed and with Callum in there.

“Very clever and admirably sneaky. I think you win.” Callum laughed and got busy claiming his prize, nerves forgotten.

After their exertions in the shower, the bed was lovely. Callum didn’t think he had ever lain on such a comfortable mattress. The sheets felt smooth and dense and smelled fresh and clean. Callum washed his bed linen twice weekly - his childhood had left him with an anxiety about unwashed sheets - so he was supremely happy with Ben’s bed.

Lying together, Ben held Callum closely.

“I’ve never had a man in this bed.” The words were murmured close to Callum’s ear, comforting and reassuring him that this was as special for Ben as it was for him, making his heart sing a little. Ben wanted to say that this was the most utopian experience and he couldn’t imagine it ever being more perfect than this but he reined himself in with a reminder that it was early days. He could remember thinking something like this with Paul, also with Sam, but this moment with Callum was so much more. Maybe it was just because he was older and knew what he wanted from a relationship but his instincts were telling him that this was different. Callum was meant for him – he could sense it.

Callum was taking his time to caress Ben, stroking his sides, sucking and nipping at the skin around Ben’s collar-bone and across his chest, eliciting soft moans of appreciation. He had spotted the scar of a bullet wound the previous night but when he had looked at Ben to question it, Ben had shaken his head. Now he kissed it gently and looked up at Ben asking the question again.

Ben prayed swiftly and fervently that Callum would not judge him for what he was about to tell him. It was important to Ben for Callum to know the worst as soon as possible. Then he could clamber out before he was too far in.

“There was a siege in a pub, rogue gunman; I was collateral damage. Thing is, I wasn’t part of what was going on with him, so it was a bit unfortunate getting shot … but … I have been in trouble Callum. Juvi twice. First time for a few months when I was fourteen. There was a kid who’d been bullying me. I hit him with a spanner and fractured his skull. Dad was always telling me to not let people push me around, to fight back. That’s what I was doing but I was properly mad. Then when I was sixteen, I got into a rage and hit somebody, a good person, with a picture frame.” He paused and struggled for a moment. “I killed her, Callum, I didn’t mean to, it was terrible. I served two years for manslaughter. It wasn’t on purpose but that was twice when I’d got angry that I’d gone right over the top. My lawyer called it a disproportionate response, said I was in pain because of my troubled homelife. But there are no excuses.”

Callum couldn’t not be shocked. Ben had killed somebody and that was not nothing. But he too had come close to this without meaning to so he knew it was possible to be a good person and do a very bad thing. And it was clear to him that Ben was remorseful; for him, that was what mattered.

“Tell me about your homelife. You said you weren’t happy when you came back to England but you haven’t told me much about your dad.”

Ben hated talking about his dad. It produced a pit in his stomach, a feeling of dread that stuck around like a bad smell. But he was intent on telling all to Callum.

“When I came back, Dad was with a woman, Stella. There was some physical abuse but mainly she got in my head, told me I was worthless, that my dad didn’t love me. Dad was a drinker, drug abuser; he’s violent and dangerous. He couldn’t handle me being me. I liked singing and dancing and he wanted me to like football and boxing. There were substitute sons: my cousin, his cousin’s foster kid, his step-son, my sister’s fiancé. They all fit the bill for ideal son but not me. I was always trying to be tough, be mean and heartless, thinking if I could be more like my dad maybe he would love me. I got involved with some of his business to try to prove myself to him. My dad’s a villain, Callum, currently inside thanks to Sam, my ex.”

“You and your dad are criminals and you decided on a copper boyfriend?”

Ben was gobsmacked.

“So I tell you I’ve been in prison, that my dad is currently in prison, that he’s a criminal and your response is ‘what were you thinking of dating a copper?’ You know, I was desperately hoping that you wouldn’t judge me, that you might see the real me is a good person, because I am NOT a criminal, but maybe you should be a bit judgy.”

“Who am I to judge? I shot someone.”

Ben was stunned.

“What?” He seized Callum’s shoulders and shuffled him up so that they were face-to-face. “In the army?”

“I was a chef in the army, Ben. I was only deployed on combat missions a couple of times and I definitely didn’t have to shoot anyone. No, I got involved with a family who were criminals. They were moving some jewellery, probably stolen, I didn’t ask questions, and I was in the back of the van with instructions to shoot anybody who opened the door. Which I did. Thank god the guy didn’t die.”

They stared at each other.

“We’re not criminals, Ben. We just come from mean streets and have suffered with dreadful dads. But we choose, WE choose, what our lives are going to be like. For us, for both of us, it has meant getting away. A fresh start. Because WE choose.”

Ben was floored. This was so in tune with his own approach to life, he was having a moment of disbelief that fate had given him this wonderful man.

“Callum, I think we were made for each other.”

Lying in Ben’s beautiful bed, they whispered confidences about their desires and dreams, the way they wanted their lives to be, and admitted their hopefulness about their fledgling relationship. Fears were floated and allowed to be visible. They would get to those when the time was right.

They both felt they had never been so happy and, wrapped in each other’s arms, fell into a deep, restful sleep.

+++

The next few weeks were a dream. They still had lunch together every day and now had gradually reached a point where they were spending every evening, night and day off together. The speed at which they had become an established couple didn’t worry Callum but he knew it was unusual. As was his choice of confidante when he found himself discussing it with Kat Slater.

“Christmas is in two weeks. I think Ben is assuming I’ll be with them, I’m sure he is, but should I assume that? If I ask him about it then he’ll know that I haven’t been as confident as him … in my assumptions. And I don’t want him to think I don’t have confidence in us. Do you know what I mean?”

Kat stared at him despairingly.

“I do but you’re overthinking it, Callum. A bit like when you two didn’t want to say you were gay because the other one of you might feel like they’d been deceived.” Kat had known he and Ben were great friends and she had asked Callum what had taken them so long to get together. It had been the start of a gossipy friendship which Callum was starting to value.

So he’d raised it with Ben that evening. As he anticipated, Ben was crestfallen.

“Where else are you going to be? It’s five nights Callum. Four full days off work. I want to spend them all with you. Don’t you want to spend them with me?”

“Of course I do but I don’t want to get in the way of your family celebrations. Does your mum even know about us yet?”

This was another thing that had been worrying Callum. Kathy had just returned from a month away in South Africa and there hadn’t been an opportunity to see her since she got back. Callum spent quite a lot of time with Bobby while she was away as he often came to hang out in The Book Shop and then he generally ate dinner with Callum, Ben, Lola and Lexi. He and Ben were both concerned about Bobby’s state of mind; he was increasingly anxious and his OCD routines had a stronger than usual grip on him. Callum had listened to him, reassured him and talked to him and now he hoped Kathy didn’t think he’d been interfering. He hoped she would be happy with him as Ben’s boyfriend. He hoped she would like him.

“Stop worrying. She’s going to love you.”

“Yeah, maybe, but will she want me hanging around your Christmas?”

“I want you hanging around my Christmas. I want to hang around your Christmas.” Ben paused to look at Callum properly. “We’re not seriously thinking of being apart, are we? Because it isn’t happening, babe.”

They were at Ben’s house for the night and were currently tucked up in Ben’s bed. Callum now had clothes in the wardrobe, toiletries in the bathroom. Ben had the same at Callum’s flat. When they could be together, they were never apart.

+++

It was still pitch black outside when the hammering on the door started. Lola and a sleepy Lexi arrived in Ben’s bedroom as Ben and Callum were stirring into a consciousness that the noise was not a dream. Lola was evidently unsettled.

“Who do you think it is? I don’t want to answer it. There’s no car out there and I can’t see who’s in the porch.”

The knocking continued, a unsteady pounding on the door. Callum jumped up and followed Ben and Lola down the stairs. Even though she was barely awake, he could see Lexi was frightened so he picked her up and carried her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and buried her face in his neck; the dampness against his skin alerted him to her tears.

“Don’t worry poppet. No need to cry. We’ve got you.”

She clung to him like a limpet.

Ben and Lola were at the front door and realised there were no windows or spyholes to let them know who was on the other side. They would have to open the door to see who was there and Lola was clearly frustrated.

“Remind me to get one of those camera app thingies.”

She picked up a walking stick and Ben looked at her in disbelief.

“What damage do you think you can do with that?”

Then they heard their visitor call out.

“Ben!”

Recognising the voice, Ben yanked open the door and Kathy rushed in. She looked at them all, clearly surprised to see Callum, especially given that he was in nightwear and had tight hold of Lexi.

“Callum and Daddy are boyfriends.” Lexi was first to explain. Kathy glared at Ben, her cross look indicating that she felt she should have been told, and then smiled generously at Callum.

“That’s a wonderful thing to hear.” She meant it. Meeting Callum, she had wondered if he was gay - there was something about him – and, if so, she’d hoped he might be interested in her Ben. She could see them together. There would be time to be thrilled later, though.

“Lexi, love, I just need to talk to Daddy. Mummy can take you back to bed.” Lola took her cue and, collecting her from Callum, took Lexi upstairs. Kathy followed Ben into the living room, grabbing hold of Callum’s arm and bringing him with her. She dropped onto the sofa, still holding onto Callum, and Ben sat on the chair.

“It’s Bobby. He’s gone.”


	9. Going forward

Kathy’s eyes darted around as she thought back to her last conversation with Bobby. Ben was asking questions and she was trying desperately to remember something, anything.

Callum was in the kitchen making drinks. Kathy had been unable to speak after telling them Bobby had gone, disappearing herself into an internal world, so he had left her with Ben and come to create some comfort. In his view, there was not a lot that couldn’t be soothed by hot chocolate, especially the way he made it, but he knew Kathy only drank tea so that was what he made for her.

The open plan kitchen and dining area were directly underneath Lola’s and Lexi’s bedrooms and Lola came in after coming downstairs.

“What’s going on, Callum?”

“I’m making drinks. Do you want one?”

Lola nodded. “That hot chocolate smells lovely. One of those please. Callum, Kathy’s car isn’t outside. Did she walk here? In the middle of the night?”

“Yeah. It’s freezing out there and I think the cold has eaten into her. She’s numb, not talking. Bobby’s gone off somewhere, he’s taken the car, or she’s assuming he has. He also took her phone off charge yesterday so by the middle of the night it was dead. He was really making sure she couldn’t get after him. She doesn’t know any numbers by heart so couldn’t even call here on her landline.”

Lola leaned wearily against him, putting an arm around his waist as he put his around her shoulders. “Bobby’s been going downhill since Ian went back to Walford. All that researching is messing with his head.” She scratched her head anxiously.

“So what happens now, Lo? I get the feeling Ben wants to go looking for him. Will he have gone to Walford?”

Lola looked unsure.

“He’s taken the car. He wouldn’t go into London by car – he’d get the train. I remember him doing that once before and he took the bus to the station. I suppose he might have driven to the station. Also taking the car slows Kathy down like you said.”

Callum put the drinks on a tray and they headed back into the living room. He handed out mugs and went to sit on the arm of Ben’s chair, placing a supportive arm around his shoulder. Ben got hold of his hand and kissed it softly before leaning into Callum’s arm. Kathy watched and, despite her worry for Bobby, her spirits were lifted by the warmth between them.

“I was just telling Mum what Ian had to say when I saw him. He was … belligerent. Said he was getting back what was his. Which would be The Vic I guess. So he’s going to go head to head with Sharon.”

Callum was trying to remember the family tree and recalled that Sharon was Denny’s mum, so must have been Ben’s step-mum. It was all very intertwined. This sounded like Ben’s brother and his step-mum had been business partners in a pub. That must have been before Sharon found out about Ian’s part in Denny’s death. Surely she wouldn’t have gone into business with him otherwise.

“I don’t care what Ian is up to.” Kathy sounded angry. “But if he hurts Bobby…”

Ben cut across her, wanting to stay focused on what they could do rather than what they felt and definitely not wanting to introduce new fears.

“Right. We have no clue where Bobby has gone. My money is on him having driven to the station. So, I’ll go there and into town if necessary.” He looked up at Callum. “Will you drive me to the station, babe?”

Callum was resolute. “I’m coming with you.” He and Ben had talked about Walford and he was not at all convinced that it would be a safe place for Ben to go on his own. Somebody had to go for Bobby’s sake and Callum was determined that, if that person was to be Ben, he was going as well.

Kathy had been about to insist that she was going with Ben but quickly changed course, deciding that Callum was a much better option. It would mean she could be at home in case Bobby returned and, besides that, she didn’t trust herself to be even more angry at Ian than Ben; Callum wouldn’t have the same emotional response, he seemed like he would be brave and he would be right behind Ben keeping him safe.

“Thank you, Callum.” She got her gratitude in first, thinking Ben might object although he actually had no intention of objecting - protective Callum was right up his street. He looked at Kathy, Callum and Lola seeing their worry but also seeing heavy eyes tired from too much stress and too little sleep.

“It’s only four thirty so let’s try to get some more kip. Why don’t you stay here mum? I’ll just go and get your bed sorted. We’ll drop you home in the morning.” Ben disappeared through the door that led to his bedroom and Callum wondered where Kathy was going to stay. Following Ben, he found him in the room across the hallway at the bottom of the stairs.

The first couple of times Callum had stayed at The Barn, the door had always been shut to this room and Callum hadn’t wanted to be nosey but he had been intrigued. It didn’t take him long to ask Ben about it and he was shown inside. It was a library and it was stunning, lined on two sides with bookcases stuffed full of books. Every time he went in, there was something new that caught his eye.

Now Ben had lifted bedding out of a cupboard and was pulling out a sofa bed. He threw pillow cases at Callum, laughing at his mesmerised face.

“Stop eagle-eyeing the books and get the pillow cases on.”

By the time Kathy got to the room a couple of minutes later, they had made the bed. She kissed Ben goodnight and, yet again, Callum realised he was going to get the same treatment. It was completely different to any kiss he’d ever had, sending a ripple of comfort and safety through him; it was all he could do not to hold onto her. He’d never know his own mum and Whitney’s mum was scarily formidable and had never shown any warmth towards him but maybe Kathy was what a loving parent was like.

Upstairs, back in bed, Ben faced Callum.

“Babe, I’m so glad you’re coming with me. I hate going back there but going there with you will be kind of going forward.” He stroked Callum’s face, smiling softly and basking in the glow from Callum’s eyes. Callum recognised that what he was feeling was a sense of belonging - he belonged with Ben and with Ben’s family. He sent a silent prayer to gods he didn’t believe in asking that one day this might be his future.

“Careful. I might drag you along the tube a couple of stops and introduce you to my dad and Stu.”

“I’m up for that.”

Callum could see Ben was serious about his offer and wondered how turning up with his boyfriend might go down.

“I told them I was gay. Neither of them believed me. Maybe turning up with my boyfriend would make it impossible to deny.” He gently caressed Ben’s cheek. “If we have time, let’s do it. Right now, let’s sleep.” They reached for each other and snuggled in close, engaging in a little lazy kissing before dropping off.

+++

The following morning, they soon found Kathy’s car in the station car park. After letting her know it was there, they got on the train.

“I haven’t been back into town since I moved out eight months ago.” Callum felt more positive than he’d expected to feel. Ben had been right with his comment about them going forward rather than going back because they were together.

The journey was fast and before long they had changed to the tube and were rattling along on the old line. Callum knew where Walford was – Walford East was two stops before his stop, his usual stop. He’d seen it many times from inside the train although he had never been there.

“Want to stay on? Do it first?” Ben could tell that Callum was thinking about his dad from the way that his grip had tightened around Ben’s hand. Fronting up to a bigoted bully like Callum’s dad would give him a boost so he was happy to do it but he was less sure that it would make Callum feel good and it was Callum who mattered.

“Actually, yeah.” Callum glanced appreciatively at Ben, relaxing his hold and rubbing Ben’s hand as though it might be hurt. “I want them out of my head.”

A couple of stops later, they emerged from the tube station and walked a little way along a jaded high street, full of chicken shops and pound shops, interspersed with tiny, shabby Asian restaurants – Indian, Turkish, Korean, Lebanese, any and all flavours - and bright, shiny phone shops, before Callum turned sharply and they trudged into the depths of a low-rise estate. He was quiet and had let go of Ben’s hand. Ben understood. They were heading for trouble; there was no need to be asking for it before they even got there. Although he would have invited it anyway.

It was a maze: a grey, dispiriting matrix of rectangular blocks dotted with grimy windows, joined together and flanked by dirty walkways. Callum stopped in front of a door that had once been white. He didn’t hesitate. Banging assertively on the door with one hand, he seized Ben’s hand with the other. Ben buzzed with pride.

Talking, or more accurately yelling, could be heard inside, one voice approaching the other side of the door. It opened to reveal a tall, bald man, in his mid-forties who took one look at Callum, then Ben, then their joined hands and swiftly stepped out onto the walkway, shutting the door behind him.

“Callum, no!” He was shaking his head vociferously but looked like he was about to burst into tears. Callum, however, was taking no prisoners.

“Stuart, this is my boyfriend, Ben.”

Stuart stared at Ben for a long moment and then turned back to Callum.

“This is not a good idea …” He stopped talking as the door to the flat opened and a shorter, angry-looking man appeared.

“What have we got here then? Oh…” Belatedly, he noticed Callum. “The runaway returns … You coming in?” He turned and disappeared into the darkness of the flat. Stuart tried unsuccessfully to hold Callum back before giving up and all three of them went inside. The stench of filth was overpowering and Ben was aware that Callum would be feeling embarrassed and irritated in equal measure.

Callum’s dad sank into an armchair, arms shiny with years of greasy, dirty hands rubbing along them, cushions flat as pancakes.

“Who’s this then?”

Ben decided to introduce himself.

“Ben. Ben Mitchell.”

“Well, Ben Mitchell, I’m Jonno Highway, Callum’s dad.” He narrowed his eyes at Ben, suddenly thoughtful. “Ben Mitchell. Phil Mitchell’s boy?” Ben nodded slowly weighing up Jonno’s reaction. This could go one of two ways: either Jonno was frightened of Phil or he hated him. It was the former. Jonno looked admiringly at Callum. “You two on a job?”

Callum despaired of the bright excitement in his dad’s eyes. Of course he would be proud of him being involved in something dodgy.

“No Dad. Well, yeah, we’ve got some business in Walford but … Ben’s here because he’s my boyfriend.” Jonno’s colour went from an unhealthy pink to a deep, angry red.

“No, no he ain’t.” He looked from one to the other, shaking his head in genuine confusion.

“Yes Dad, he is. You know I’m gay. I told you.”

“You should get on your way, Callum.” Stuart was watching Jonno nervously, hopping about from one foot to the other and fidgeting with his clothes. Jonno stared at Ben, then at Callum, becoming progressively more tense as each moment passed. Suddenly, he surged forward, still sitting but now right on the edge of his seat.

“You’re my son.” His temper erupted, spitting out his words. “You ain’t no faggot.”

Callum boldly took a step forward and Ben held Stuart back with an authoritative arm.

“I am gay, Dad. I’m with Ben. And do you know something? I have ALWAYS been gay. I don’t know why I’m telling you that because I know you know. This is last chance saloon dad. You too Stuart. Accept it or you’ll never see me again.”

Jonno slumped back again in his chair.

“You telling me Phil Mitchell is happy that his son’s a faggot.” Ben counted to ten silently, wanting to smack this odious man around the head for the slur but also wanting to stay calm for Callum.

“Happy might be a stretch. Accepting, yeah.” Ben held Jonno’s disbelieving glare.

“Can you do that for me, Dad?” As the question left his lips, Callum realised he wouldn’t be bothered if the answer was no. He just needed to know.

“No son of mine is a poof.”

That was that then. Callum turned and grasped Ben’s hand.

“It’s all good. Let’s go.” They smiled at each other and didn’t even look at Jonno as they left.

Halfway down the walkway, they heard footsteps and a voice behind them.

“Callum!” Stuart was jogging towards them. Ben put a steadying arm around Callum as Stuart drew near.

“What is it Stu? I’d say he was pretty clear.”

“He was. But it’s not what … are you sure about this?” Stuart waved his hand at Ben. Callum gave him a hard stare and turned to walk away, his arm firmly around Ben. “Come on, Callum. I’m just asking if you’re sure about this. I’m looking out for you … it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m your brother.”

Callum swung round angrily.

“You are … but it means nothing if you can’t let me be who I am.”

“Okay, okay, I hear you. You’re gay. You’re with Ben. Who seems like a very nice man.” Stuart grimaced at Ben who recognised it as an attempt at smiling. Callum took hold of both of Ben’s hands and rested their foreheads together, telepathically communicating his uncertainty and receiving reassurance. Taking a moment to look at each other, Callum kissed Ben lightly, spotting Stuart’s flinch.

“Alright. I’ll text you. Maybe we can meet if I’m back in town. We’ve got some stuff to do in the next couple of days so it won’t be this time. You on the same number?” Stuart nodded. “I will be in touch Stu but, when I am, if you give Dad my number, I’ll change it and you’ll never hear from me again. I mean it.”

Stuart nodded with relief and Callum took pity on him, surprising him with a quick hug and leaving him with a soft stroke of his cheek and an affectionate smile. Ben could see that Callum was happy with the outcome.

“You’re happy to never see your dad again?”

“I’m happy to be me and to tell anybody who doesn’t like it to sod off.”

They walked back to the tube hand in hand.

Two stops down the line, they got off at Walford East. In front of them was another row of struggling shops and Callum wondered if there was anywhere in East London that didn’t look like this. He could already sense a change in Ben, noticing that his jaw was clenched, his shoulders were squared and his stride lengthened - a clear message sent to all onlookers to give him a wide berth. It was not a version of Ben that Callum recognised. They turned a corner, walking into a road full of market stalls and Ben started a running commentary.

“Ian owns the chippy and he used to own the restaurant there. Mum used to own the gay bar – you see it? The Albert.”

They turned into another road lined with stalls.

“Mum also had the café over there and Ian has the fruit and veg stall. See the guy on the fruit and veg stall. That’s Martin, Ian’s cousin on his dad’s side.” They carried on walking but were held up when Martin stepped out in front of them.

“Ben.”

Hostility sizzled in the air.

“Alright, Martin?”

Martin looked at Callum then at Ben, tilting his head towards Callum by way of asking for an introduction.

“My boyfriend Callum.” Martin took another long, hard look at Callum.

“What are you doing here Ben? It’s bad enough that Ian’s back. Have either of you ever thought that everybody does better when you and your family are not around?”

“Your family as well, Martin. And I don’t know why you’re being so unfriendly. What have I ever done to you?”

Both Ben and Martin glanced involuntarily at the railway bridge further down the street and then caught Callum’s questioning look. Martin laughed and gesticulated for Ben to provide the explanation.

“Martin dangled me off the bridge when I was a kid, then … I did it to him a couple of years ago.” Ben saw that Callum seemed dubious about how he’d managed that given their relative sizes and explained further. “I had help.”

“Didn’t know what you were getting yourself into, eh, Callum?” Martin’s smug tone rankled Callum and he turned to him with a fierce glare.

“I know who Ben is, enough to know you will have done something properly low. Double-crossed him, cheated him, grassed on him. It won’t just have been about getting his own back although it sounds to me like there were grounds for that. What kind of a person terrorises a kid? Just know this, Martin, if you were to cause him a problem again, I would be his help.”

Martin’s puffed-up demeanour faltered and then he laughed easily at them both.

“True love, eh, Ben? Maybe it’ll improve you. See you around, gents.”

Ben and Callum smiled tightly at Martin and walked away with Ben tucking his hand through Callum’s arm and grinning at him.

“Fuck, you’re intimidating when you’re riled. I think you’d scare me. For the record, though, I am loving protective Callum but you are going to have your work cut out for you. Nobody likes me here.” They had emerged into a square with a garden in the centre, surrounded mainly by houses. Ben pointed out those that had been his home.

“That one was Ian’s, where Mum and Bobby lived. My nephew Peter as well. That one down there, with the black gate, that was my dad’s. I have lived in both but mainly at my dad’s. This here is a bench for my brother Denny.” They were in the garden now and Ben sat on the bench.

“You have a lot of history here Ben.” Callum sat down with him, pressing up against him closely. “But no future because … that’s with me.” He cast a shy look at Ben checking that it wasn’t too much. Ben’s delighted face told him that it wasn’t and he slung his arm around him and they kissed perhaps a little more fervently than was appropriate in public.

“Really, Ben?” A very tall man was standing right in front of them. “That’s a pretty full on PDA.” Ben was a little disorientated by the passionate kiss and took a moment to focus, so the tall guy stuck a hand at Callum. “Hi, I’m Peter, technically Ben’s nephew although I was born first.”

“Callum.”

“My boyfriend.” Ben loved saying it. “How are you, Peter?”

“Yeah, alright I guess. Me and Ash – we’re, yeah, we’re hanging on in there. The PT business is surviving.”

Ben turned to Callum to fill in the gaps. “Iqra and Ash used to be together. Then Iq got with Tina and Ash got with Peter. It was not a fun time for all.” Addressing Peter again, he had more questions. “Where are you living, Peter? And where’s Ian?”

“We’re upstairs in number twenty-nine. Dad’s taken on the flat underneath the Taylors. God knows how. Probably twisted the arm of some bent councillor.” Ben grimaced and Peter nodded. “Yeah, not ideal. He acts like everything he did is nothing. Like it’s all completely okay. I do my best to have nothing to do with him.” He looked curiously between them. “What are you doing here?”

“We’ve come looking for Bobby. I take it you haven’t seen him. He left mum’s yesterday, made sure her phone had no charge and took her car, we think he wanted to slow her down, stop her from coming after him. The car was at the station so we’re assuming he got on the train to come here.”

Peter’s face fell.

“How is he? He’s not good, is he? I should have been up to see him. It’s … it’s been a busy year and a half.” Ben thought closer to the truth was that Peter was always very wrapped up in himself. It broke Kathy’s heart that Peter had pulled away from her and Bobby, and Ben was irritated on her behalf.

“He was doing better but then got worse when he heard Ian was back. You haven’t seen him then. Where the fuck is he?” It was a rhetorical question asked of the air.

“Why don’t we go and have a drink in that pub? Pool our ideas.” Callum’s suggestion was met with distinct uncertainty from the other two men and Ben explained.

“It’s Sharon’s pub and we’re tainted by our association with Ian. We’re not welcome in there.” He sucked his lip pensively and looked at Peter. “Bobby might be though. She always had a soft spot for him.”

“Oh, do you know what? Fuck it!” Peter stood up tall, staring over at the pub. He thought it was very feasible that Sharon had given refuge to Bobby. “We’re not associated with Dad and it’s about time Sharon accepted that. Come on, on your feet. Let’s go!”

As they entered the pub, Callum saw a glamorous older woman behind the bar full of smiles until she clocked Ben and Peter. At that point, her face stiffened.

“Beales and Mitchells. I’m not having any of them in my pub.”

“I’m acceptable then.” Callum gave Sharon – he assumed it was her – the full force of his charming smile. “Callum Highway.” He held out his hand and Sharon took it, smiling carefully back at him. He was hard to resist.

“Sharon Watts. You need to keep better company, Callum.”

“Yeah, maybe. Ben’s my boyfriend, though, and I love him.” The words slipped out without Callum paying attention but Ben heard them and his heart swelled. He grinned at Sharon who had glanced his way and saw her softening.

“Darling, you do know he’s trouble?” Sharon turned her attention back to Callum. Callum shrugged.

“He is a big pest, I grant you that, but he’s got redeeming qualities. He’s not his dad and I reckon you know it. I don’t know Peter that well but I’m willing to put money on that he’s not his dad either. We’re looking for Bobby, Sharon. Have you seen him?”

“You think he’s here?” Callum answered her with a questioning look. Ben and Peter flanked him, a step behind. Sharon looked at the three of them. Ben had been her stepson and whilst he wasn’t his dad, he’d spent many years trying to be him. But he’d moved away to change his life and had got himself this very impressive boyfriend. She had always been able to see the good in Ben, his softer side and his big heart, but she’d never believed that it would win the day over his worst impulses. Maybe she was to be proved wrong. Peter was a selfish, idle creature but he had been very clear that he was distanced from his dad. Both Ben and Peter had been as appalled as her by Ian so it was probably time to talk to them. “What can I get you to drink, boys? I’ll bring them over and we’ll talk.”

They sat on a table towards the back of the pub. Callum could see the eyes turned their way. There was a holding atmosphere, as though everybody was waiting for it all to kick off. Peter scowled generally at the other customers.

“You were right to move away. You never get a second chance in this place.”

Ben nodded his agreement with Peter.

“The best thing I ever did.” He smiled softly at Callum. Today was making him think that Callum was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to him; he was touched by the way he was right behind him, standing up for him, totally on his side. Ben had NEVER had that before and he hoped with his hopeful heart that it would last forever.

Peter rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Oh my god, you two have got it bad.”

“Have they?” Sharon arrived with their drinks and sat down, impulsively stroking Ben’s cheek. He was surprised at the affection. Sharon had never given much of a sign that she was fond of him. In fact, if he was pushed, he would have said that she didn’t much like him.

“We have!” Callum emphasised his point by throwing an arm around Ben and kissing the side of his forehead. He could sense the vulnerability in Ben today and was finding himself compelled to act as his protector.

“We have.” Ben confirmed it, turning, eyes only for Callum.

Sharon watched them, her mood warmed by the love in front of her.

“Oh that’s lovely. Hang onto it and don’t mess it up. Anyway, Bobby. I have seen him. But if he hasn’t told you where he is, odds are that he doesn’t want you to know.”

“What’s he up to, Sharon? Is he okay?” Ben’s questions were loaded with concern and care, helping Sharon to realise that Bobby wouldn’t be scared of Ben; it was more likely that he was anxious that Ben would try to stop him doing what he had set out to do.

“He wants to make sure that Ian pays for his crimes.”

“Is he safe?”

“How’s he going to do that?”

Ben and Peter spoke at the same time and Sharon looked between them, choosing to answer Peter’s question.

“He’s been gathering evidence. The police have been investigating.”

The three men looked at her in shock.

“He wants to get Dad sent down?” Peter couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“He wants Ian to have to answer for what he did.”

Ben repeated his question.

“Is he safe, Sharon?”

“I want Ian to have to answer for what he did so I don’t want you stopping Bobby.” Her eyes involuntarily flicked upwards. Ben stood up abruptly and she quickly joined him putting a hand on his chest. “Ben, don’t go …” It was too late; Ben had gone. Callum, Peter and Sharon looked at each other and went after him. The rest of the pub watched.

Ben raced up the stairs to the flat above the pub. He’d lived here as a child so knew his way around and guessed that Bobby would be in the lounge.

“Bobby.” Bobby jumped out of his skin at the sound of Ben’s voice.

“Ben. How did you …? What are you …?” His distressed face didn’t register with Ben soon enough.

“We have all been worried out of our minds. You must have thought that might happen when you disappeared without saying anything. Mum was really upset. She walked all the way to my house at three thirty in the morning. The middle of the night, Bob; it was pitch black. She’s seventy-one.”

It was a stern telling off and Bobby crumpled in tears. Sharon quickly went to sit with him, cross with Ben who was unrepentant but softened his approach, sitting on the coffee table and holding Bobby’s knees.

“Callum will let her know you’re safe.” He glanced round at Callum who nodded and went into the hallway to make the call. “Bobby, talk to us. Tell us what’s going on.”

Bobby gulped back his tears and fixed his eyes on Ben, comforted by the rubbing of his knees. Stumbling over the words, he explained that he was feeling burdened by his dad’s wrongdoings and how it had led to people hating their family. Sharon had the grace to look a little guilty at that charge. The fact that Ian had not been arrested for his theft and fraud, had not repaid the money he stole and had not been arrested for his part in Denny’s death bothered him greatly. Losing his home and his family had been consequences of his dad’s actions, maybe not the right ones but had at least been punitive. For Ian to come back and try to regain his old life was absolutely unacceptable to Bobby.

“Not much arguing with that.” Peter’s endorsement earned him a grateful look from Bobby. The two brothers had not seen each other in almost eighteen months and as soon as eye contact had been made, Peter went to sit on the other side of Bobby and gave him a huge hug. Bobby burst into tears again.

“Can we help you?” Ben was keen that Bobby understood that he had support. Bobby had Peter and Sharon either side of him, Ben right in front of him, and he could feel that they were with him.

“Let me show you what I’ve got.” He fished a laptop out from behind a cushion and Ben swapped places with Sharon so that he and Peter could look over Bobby’s shoulder. Sharon went to make lunch for them all collecting Callum, who had just finished speaking to Kathy, from the hallway.

“Are you useful in the kitchen, Callum?”

“Very.” His confident answer surprised her; it wasn’t what she expected him to say. Ben really had struck gold with this one.

In the kitchen, they made sandwiches and she probed him for details of his relationship with Ben. Callum was happy to talk about it feeling that this might give him the chance to portray Ben positively.

“We started off as friends and became close like best friends. Just had lots of fun together, could talk about anything which led to conversations about our pasts. We have a lot in common although I didn’t know he was gay at first.”

“Really?” Sharon was surprised at that. “It’s usually the first thing he lets people know.”

“Yeah, well, he was kind of quiet, keeping himself to himself. Because he lives with Lola and Lexi, I assumed he was married and straight. I didn’t want to lose his friendship so I kept quiet about me, and then time went on and I didn’t want him to feel deceived. Turns out, he had similar thoughts.”

“Oh you pair of idiots.”

“You’re not wrong. But we’ve worked it out. We know what we’re about now, we’ve got a future together. Ben is good for me. He’s straightforward so I feel safe with him. And he makes me laugh, like every day there’s fun with him. We’ve got something special.” Sharon watched him talk, observing the softness in his eyes and the way they lit up at the thought of Ben. Lucky Ben.

“So how long have you been together?”

“Six weeks.” He noticed Sharon’s surprise.

“You seem like you’ve been together longer. Especially as you’re here helping Ben with a family matter.”

“The thing is Sharon, even if we hadn’t got our act together, I’m his best friend and I’d be here now. I’ve cared about him for a long time now.”

“Sounds like it might seem like you’ve gone from zero to sixty in six weeks when actually you’ve done it over six months.” Callum nodded at Sharon’s comment. She was exactly right.

They carried the lunch through to the lounge and Sharon left them to check on the bar. The rest of the day was spent in the pub flat poring over Bobby’s findings and making a plan for what had to happen next. Bobby’s one man band had expanded to a team of four. Ian was going to get his comeuppance.


	10. Chasing Truths

“You can stay here.”

Callum and Ben needed to be around Walford for a couple of days so Sharon’s offer was very welcome especially as it meant they would be staying where Bobby was staying; he was very obviously struggling. But they were both also a little concerned about closing their businesses. This was a busy time of year, especially for Callum who was hoping to do well from the Christmas market. Ben spent half an hour talking to Keegan, going over the job list, spelling out instructions in minute detail and making sure he knew what he was doing. Callum didn’t have an assistant so had to find help elsewhere.

“I could maybe ask Jay to mind the shop in the afternoon and leave it shut in the morning but I know he’s busy with the B&B this month. Or I could ask Kat. She doesn’t work so she could probably spare the time.” Kat spent a lot of time in his shop for somebody who had never bought a book. Callum had picked up that there were two reasons for that: first, she didn’t have a lot of money and books were definitely on the luxury list; second, she had never read a book so was more than a little intimidated. He was of a mind to help her with both of these issues and had told her to help herself to books on the second-hand shelves, prompting her by giving her a starter collection. She quickly got hooked on crime fiction.

“I do think it’s hysterical that, of everybody in Edenfield you could have befriended, you’ve chosen Kat Slater.” Ben had experience of slow payment from the wider Slater family so knew them all fairly well. Despite this, he liked Kat and not just because Callum liked her. There was much more to her than what you saw on the surface.

“Nobody’s more surprised than me. But I like her, Ben. We get each other.” So he rang Kat and asked if she could help. Even over the telephone, he could tell that she was flattered to be asked, although she claimed that he was taking advantage of her generous nature.

Businesses sorted out, they were ready to turn their eyes back towards Walford.

Sharon had a little one, Albie, not yet two, who was thrilled to have these new visitors who were both very good at playing. One or other of them could be relied on for holding him high in the air and swooping him around like an owl.

“An owl?” Sharon thought the usual thing would be an aeroplane. There was a cute little look between Callum and Ben that she didn’t miss which wasn’t explained by Ben’s elucidation.

“We have lots of owls where we live.”

+++

Callum and Ben lay in bed that night, curled up together. Not only was it strange to be at The Vic where everything was so different, it felt like they were out of place because Ben was upset.

Earlier, they’d taken Albie to look at the Christmas lights in the square and had bumped into a number of people who knew Ben. He had warned Callum that this might happen and asked him not to jump into help.

“Just ignore them, Callum. It’s what I do.” Nobody was more aware than Callum that not only did Ben not ignore the hate, he internalised it, becoming surly and despondent.

“What are YOU doing with Albie?” This was from Albie’s nan, a strangely dressed woman called Karen Taylor. Callum thought that her outfit looked like a Christmas onesie which was unusual to say the least. Ben gave Callum the shortened version of the story of Phil’s and Sharon’s marriage breakdown. Essentially, Sharon had an affair with Karen’s son and Albie was the result.

Ben scowled at Karen but answered her question.

“Showing him the lights. He’s having a lovely time, Karen.” ‘So back off’ remained unsaid.

“You want me to think Sharon let YOU take care of Albie?”

“You’re confusing me with someone who gives a shit what you think.”

Then there was a family with mum, dad and three children.

“Oh great, Denise and Jack.” Callum heard the heaviness in Ben’s voice even though he had muttered underneath his breath.

“I hope you’re not back for good, Ben.”

Ben sighed at Jack’s rudeness. “It’s none of your business what I do.”

Callum noticed Ben looking at the littlest child and Denise standing firmly between them. In fact, Denise and Jack were keen to keep all three children away from Ben. He explained when they had gone.

“Amy is the daughter of my dad’s cousin, Roxy; Jack’s her dad. Roxy’s dead … God I loved her. She was ace. Ricky is my cousin; his dad is Jack and his mum is my dad’s sister Sam. God knows where she is. And Raymond is my brother. Result of a drunken one night stand between my dad and Denise. Jack and Denise think me and my dad are bad news.”

Callum had no aunts and uncles, no cousins, so Ben’s large and complicated family was fascinating to him but he understood that it depressed Ben that he was seen as somebody to be avoided and that he wasn’t allowed to have a relationship with his brother.

Finally, there was a tall man; Ben told him later that his name was Kheerat.

“So you’re back Benny-boy. Tail between your legs now you’ve lost all?” Callum could sense Ben was annoyed and was pleased he managed to ignore this gloating man, moving on without even bothering to look at him.

Lying in bed, he could see the pain and the anger across Ben’s face.

“Do you remember when I said that everybody loves you and you told me nobody loves you?” Callum nodded. “Well, here in Albert Square, literally everybody hates me. I hate being here being hated.” Callum scooped him into his arms and ran his fingers through his hair, dropping feather-light kisses across his face.

“I don’t hate you and I’m here. It’s just a couple of days and I’m going to be right by your side the whole time. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be affected by everybody hating you but I hope it helps a bit.”

Ben was yet again in the position of pinching himself. Was this beautiful man really his boyfriend?

“Callum … it’s everything.”

+++

The following morning started well. Ben woke to see Callum already awake and watching him.

“Could be creepy but somehow isn’t.” Ben loved that the first thing he saw each day was Callum.

Callum smiled. Every morning, before he had even opened his eyes, he was aware of Ben, the heat radiating off him, his sleepy smell. It was the best awakening. Then he would open his eyes and take in his gorgeous boyfriend, usually fast asleep and gently snoring. It was dark in the room so Ben’s face was in the shadows but Callum knew that he looked beautiful.

As Ben stirred, Callum moved in closely, fitting their bodies together and kissing him tenderly earning a desperate moan pleading for more.

“Shhh! We’re in Walford at the pub.” Ben turned the noise down but was determined to turn the activity up as he reached under the covers, chuckling as Callum stifled a groan.

“Maybe we should stick to snogging?” Ben’s breathless words said one thing and his hand was saying something else entirely and they both giggled uncontrollably. Callum just about managed to shake his head as their mouths found each other and he lost the ability to think clearly. It always felt like Ben had taken possession of him.

Their sex life was a revelation to Callum. He wanted to try everything, do everything with Ben, especially relishing the feel of Ben inside him and the way his face went soft as he came. Ben was both intense and fun. Callum learned they were going to laugh and cry together, get overwhelmed and take each other to the point of ecstatic meltdown, tease each other and giggle when things were clumsy, and always, always be completely connected.

Ben felt more with Callum than he ever had with anyone. It wasn’t that Callum was teaching him new tricks but he was teaching him new ways. Callum was open, honest, fearless and Ben cherished the trust that he was shown. The feelings generated were out of this world. They were good together, better than good, they were amazing.

Lying in each other’s arms after they were both spent, they traded kisses and warmth, knowing they couldn’t get enough of each other.

“We need to get up.”

“Again?” Ben’s eyes sparkled and Callum couldn’t help but laugh.

“Stop it. Get your arse out of this bed and get in the bathroom.” Ben reluctantly complied and Callum headed into the kitchen to make tea.

“It was lovely to hear you two laughing this morning.” Sharon was sitting at the table with Albie and Bobby, and smiled easily as Callum came in, for his part hopeful that was all she had heard. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ben so genuinely happy.”

Bobby was looking stressed and Callum squeezed his shoulder as it hit him that while he and Ben had been having a good time that morning, Bobby had probably been worrying himself sick.

Ben was in a few minutes later.

“Bathroom’s free.” Shoving Callum out of the door, he took one look at Bobby and went to sit next to him. “Bob?”

Bobby was counting on his fingers repeatedly, carrying out his calming routine. Ben stroked his hair gently and Bobby flicked a swift glance at him and half a smile that ran away from his face as quickly as it had appeared.

“It’s your call, Bobby. We’re here to support you. If you want to go after Ian, we’re here for that. If you want to leave it, we’re here for you.” Ben could feel Sharon’s glare and turned to her. “It’s Bobby’s call. I know Ian’s due here in half an hour but if Bobby says no, we’re not letting him in. Right?”

The half hour went quickly with Peter arriving and Karen Taylor coming to collect Albie for the day. Sharon went down to let Ian in when he arrived. Callum wasn’t sure what he’d expected except that it wasn’t the smarmy, smug face that walked confidently into the lounge.

“I thought there was a bad smell.” It was a blatant taunt tossed deliberately Ben’s way. Callum instinctively put a hand on his arm and Ben patted it, telling him that he didn’t have to worry. “Who’s this then?” Ian was focused on Callum now.

They had agreed that Bobby would lead the talking.

“My friend, Callum. He lives where we live and has a book shop there. It’s a good place for me. He’s Uncle Ben’s boyfriend.” Callum was touched by the introduction, glad that Bobby saw him primarily as a friend.

“Didn’t take you long to move on then?” Another jibe flung at Ben. Bobby picked it up.

“Dad, leave Ben alone. We’re not here to talk about Ben. We’re here to talk about you.”

“Right.” Ian’s pompous face glowered. “Because we’re never allowed to talk about the long list of things Ben’s done wrong, or you Bobby, but we have to talk about me.”

“Ben has never stolen from Nan, never ripped off a business partner, never …”

“Don’t tell me he’s never had a hand in somebody’s death. And he stole from Phil.” Everybody looked at Ian. The reference to Denny’s death, however oblique, in front of Sharon was truly shocking and the assertion about Ben beggared belief. After the many ways Phil had damaged Ben, that particular theft had definitely been an attempt to escape.

“Unsuccessfully. But yeah, okay, I tried to get away. My bad. Your reason for stealing from mum?” Ben kicked himself for reacting and shrugged apologetically at Bobby, handing the conversation back to him.

“Dad, we are NOT talking about Ben …”

“What’s he doing here then? What’s the boyfriend doing here?”

“They are here for me. To help me. Ben and Callum are the most important people in my life after Nan. They know me and they are THERE for me. I trust them.” Bobby swung round to address Peter sitting next to him. “You’re important to me Peter. But you’ve needed to focus on yourself and I’ve needed to focus on myself, so ...”

Peter squeezed Bobby’s hand in agreement.

“Let’s do better, eh, Bob?” Bobby nodded and returned to Ian.

“It isn’t alright, Dad, that you cheated so many people, stole so much, betrayed your family and worst, worst of all, what you did with Denny and it really isn’t alright that you’ve got away with all of it.”

“How much has Ben got away with? I don’t hear …”

Peter erupted. “Stop fucking talking about Ben. Leave him the fuck alone. Your jealousy is fucking pathetic.”

The atmosphere stilled for a moment and then Ian spoke, his voice cold and hard.

“I’m here to discuss my share of this pub with Sharon. I have nothing to say to the rest of you.” With that, Ian left the room. Sharon followed him out, appearing back in the lounge a few seconds later.

“He’s in the kitchen making himself a cup of tea.” She looked furious. “I think I’m going to kill him. A hand in somebody’s death? That somebody was my SON! I’ll have a hand in HIS death.”

They all looked at each other.

“Plan B.” Ben spoke for all of them.

+++

Ben hated police stations. It wasn’t just that he had often been on the wrong side of things, it was that they were so characterless and functional and depressing. It was no wonder police officers had no hearts. Or so Ben believed.

Surprising himself with how irrationally on edge he felt, he tried to be calm. He was by himself as they’d decided that Callum would go with Bobby on his mission thinking that, if Ian was to going to try to get at any one of them, it would be Bobby. Bobby had made the appointment with the police so he was who they were expecting and there was a part of Ben that was a little concerned that he would not be welcome. He was to be proved wrong.

“Mr Mitchell.” Ben recognised the police officer approaching him with a smile and an outstretched hand. He decided to be friendly.

“DI Harrison.” He followed her into a meeting room.

“Not an interview room this time, Mr Mitchell.” DI Harrison laughed at her own joke not noticing Ben’s confidence dip. She pointed at a chair for him and, sitting down herself, opened her file.

“So, Bobby let us know you would be here in his place. We have updates for you from our investigations following the information he gave us. Regarding the boat crash, we found that one of the store rooms was indeed locked and the door had been smashed. There were fibres found on the hole in the door confirming that Dennis Rickman …”

“My brother.”

“… Yes … confirming that your brother, Dennis Rickman, climbed through the hole in the door. A fire extinguisher was found nearby and the evidence points to this being used to smash the door. We also have the voice message Dennis left for his mum saying that Ian Beale had locked him in. We know Ian tried to help Dennis escape the sinking boat as he was hailed a hero for doing so and didn’t deny it. So, joining the dots, we could speculate that Ian locked Dennis in the storeroom, went back for him when the boat started to sink, broke the door with the fire extinguisher, and almost got Dennis out. If this is the case, we could allege that he _more than minimally negligibly contributed to the death_ , which is an involuntary manslaughter charge. So we have questioned him. He denies locking Dennis in the storeroom and claims that he went to look for Dennis when the boat started to sink because he noticed he was missing. We are unable to prove that is not the case.”

“Even though he never once mentioned Denny being locked in a storeroom when he found him?”

“Yes. He says he was too traumatised to remember it.”

“If it wasn’t him who’d locked in Denny, he would have wanted to know who did. When he’d got over his so-called trauma. He would have wanted to tell Sharon. Unless it was him.”

DI Harrison said nothing. What could she say? In her mind, Ian Beale had a lot to answer for when it came to the death of Dennis Rickman. But it didn’t matter what she believed, it only mattered what she could prove. She could see Ben was both upset and angry.

“We have nowhere to go with this unless he confesses.” She wondered if it was possible that Ian might bow to pressure from his family.

“There’s no chance of that. He’s an unscrupulous liar. Everybody on the square believes he was responsible, like I do, like Bobby does.” Ben looked at her knowingly. “Like you do. But he’s back living there, running his businesses, acting like he’s got nothing to answer for.”

It was times like this that DI Harrison found policework unacceptably unfit for purpose. She judged Ian to be a snivelling excuse for a man and would dearly have liked to time-travel back fifty years and beat a confession out of him. Instead, she had to let him get away with his monstrous behaviour.

Ben could see that DI Harrison would help if she could, but the truth was that she couldn’t.

+++

Peter was with his girlfriend Ash talking to her mother, Suki, a schemer of Machiavellian proportions making Ian look like a pussy cat.

Ian had been a local councillor, chair of the planning committee and, desperate to relieve his money issues, he had agreed to take a bribe from Suki. Then, not a pussy cat but a weasel, he had told a local reporter that he had refused her bribe; he’d needed to get the reporter off his back as he had material that showed Ian to be duplicitous, so he had thrown Suki under the bus. She was undoubtedly near the top of the list for people wanting revenge on Ian.

As far as Suki was concerned, there was nothing about Peter that made him suitable to be her daughter’s partner apart from him being male and not Muslim giving him two points more than Ash’s previous partner, Iqra. And she certainly felt no obligation to help him with his problem with his dad.

“I don’t see what I can do for you Peter.” It had been her plan to buy Ian’s house – there would have been a nice bit of retribution in that - but he used her offer to force up another buyer rather than sell it to her. However, she was a patient woman. There would be another opportunity to finish off Ian Beale. And when that chance arose, she would be ready.

Peter had little hope that he could get Suki to change her mind but he was resolved to try.

“Why didn’t you report him? It would have been a criminal offence.”

“Why would I do that? That might have made it look like I offered your dad a bribe.” Suki knew that any mention of it to anybody would have merely fanned the flames. She’d needed it to disappear from people’s memories.

“You could talk to that reporter again, set the record straight.”

Suki gave Ash a pointed look. Was this man an idiot? Ash shook her head at Peter but he wasn’t ready to yield.

“We want him held to account. For everything. You could help us Mrs Panesar.”

“Well we’re in agreement on that first bit. But I’ll be doing it my way when the time is right for me.”

Suki was not going to help them.

+++

One of the victims of Ian’s stealing was Kathy but Ben and Bobby knew that she would not help them send Ian to prison. He might be dead to her but that didn’t mean she wanted him to be sent down. She preferred to think that he’d had his just deserts in losing them from his life and didn’t want to have to think about him beyond that.

Another victim was Ian’s former business partner, Max Branning. Max’s hatred for Ian ran deep and they hoped he would be happy to help.

Max had a soft spot for Bobby and was delighted to see him.

“Bobby, mate. How are you? Life treating you well?” He looked curiously at the tall, handsome man with Bobby. Bobby took the cue.

“Oh, yeah, hi Max. This is my friend, Callum.”

Max looked at Callum interestedly. Was Bobby gay then? There’d never been any sign of that but you never knew, although Callum seemed a little old for Bobby in Max’s opinion. Bobby was just a kid.

“Friend friend?”

Bobby’s face coloured at that.

“No, no. He’s actually Ben’s boyfriend but he’s … he’s, yeah, he’s my friend as well.”

“Nice to meet you Callum. Well, your choice of friend is better than your choice of boyfriend.”

The comment tipped Callum over the edge; he’d had just about enough of the Ben bashing.

“You know Ben, then? Like know him rather than just know about him?”

Max put his hands up in defeat as Callum scowled at him. Bobby looked confused.

“It is weird how everybody gives Ben a hard time. It’s like nobody really knows him.” He looked at Max questioningly and he capitulated.

“Okay, I take it back. What do I know? And you’re right, I only know what I’ve heard and we know that isn’t always right. So how can I help you boys?

“We need you to go to the police about Ian stealing from you. He needs to pay for his crimes. He hasn’t paid for his crimes and it’s not right and I … I need him to be sorry.” Max could see the desperation in Bobby but he was to disappoint him.

“I get it, Bobby, I do. I can see where you’re coming from. But I need the money back and if your dad goes to jail, I’m never going to get it back.”

Bobby was highly agitated by now, counting actions in fives repeatedly. Callum stood close to him until he got a brief glance and then he put his arm around him. Bobby moved even closer, resting against Callum, head down and breathing slowly. Max watched them, seeing clearly how broken Bobby was and how Callum was able to offer him some respite from his torment. It was as though he had been shut out because he wasn’t supportive enough and he felt that truth piercing him. Bobby's voice broke through his self recriminations.

“I lost my mum because of what I did. I went to prison. He did all those things, Callum, and he got away with all of them. All that’s happened is that people hate him, and that means they hate me, they hate all of us.” He stopped suddenly and stared aghast at Callum. “Ben’s already been through this. I’m not saying he’s never done anything wrong but everything started with Phil. Ben always wanted to please Phil. Everybody knows Phil is a terrible dad but they don’t feel any sympathy for Ben. They are too scared to hate Phil, but Ben is fair game. It’s like hate for Phil by proxy.”

Max listened guiltily, knowing he had certainly done this.

“You’re going to have me feeling sorry for Ben Mitchell at this rate.” Max laughed lightly as though he was making a joke.

“Why not? Why not feel sorry for him? You feel sorry for me.” Bobby was becoming angry and upset. “This is ALL of the problem. People who do things they shouldn’t get away with, get away with them, but it affects other people, ruins their lives.”

Bobby was openly sobbing now and Callum pulled him in gently and stroked his head, the smaller man disappearing in his long arms. Max was struck yet again by the idea that Callum provided much needed sanctuary for Bobby as he listened to his soothing words.

“Bobby, our lives aren’t ruined. We’ve got a fresh start and it’s going well. We don’t need this place.”

“Do you need this place, Bobby?” It was a perceptive question from Max. “Why are you here? You left your dad behind and he doesn’t know where to find you or his mum … or his brother, not that he’s bothered about him … just teasing.” He nudged Callum at the last comment, giving him a half-smile. Callum sighed inwardly. “Removing yourself from his life is a big loss for him. You want him to pay. I think he’s paying.”

It didn’t matter what Max said. They were empty words because he wasn’t going to help them.

+++

Sitting in the Vic that evening, Ben, Callum, Peter and Bobby reflected on their lack of success. And their lack of decent fathers.

Peter was extremely maudlin and drinking beer like it was pop.

“So all three of our dads are alive and kicking and none of them are there for us. You’d think we’d do better ourselves given what we know but, Ben, you’ve only got your dad act together in the last few years and I’ve left my son halfway around the world.”

“With Lex, I got to a point where it was either keep regretting the years lost and staying away out of guilt, or start making every day count.”

Peter looked at Ben thoughtfully. He’d been thinking for a while that he was treading water here in Walford. Maybe he needed to take a leaf out of Ben’s book.

“Could be time for me to go back to New Zealand.” He held up his glass for a clink of agreement with a sudden sense that he had turned a corner into the light. The thought of being a good dad to his son, Louis, was refreshing. He’d left because his partner, Lauren, Louis’ mum, had started a new relationship and he couldn’t bear to be around it. In doing so, he had practically handed over his son to another man to parent. It was time for him to sort that out; he was going to play his part.

It didn’t escape them that nobody approached them in the pub. That wasn’t to say that nobody noticed them – everybody noticed them. They looked Sharon’s way to see what she thought about these four young men and she smiled sweetly back. She was happy for everybody to see where her allegiances lay.

“Another round boys?” She brought it over and made sure everybody saw her affection for the four. “You’ll always be welcome wherever I am.” She reached for Bobby and stroked his hair. “Thank you for trying. It means a lot to me. What are you going to do next?”

Bobby looked at Ben.

“Go home. But tomorrow if that’s okay, Sharon. I want Dad to hear me out before I go. We have a plan C.”

+++

Ian was a slippery sort and Ben knew that he would be impossible to find if he found out Bobby wanted to speak to him. So, before first light, he and Callum broke into Ian’s flat, each vaguely surprised at how good the other was at it. Callum found it amusing.

“After today, we’re leaving this life behind, yeah?”

“Shh!” Ben carefully opened Ian’s bedroom door confirming that the sly swindler was sleeping soundly. He quickly sent a text to Bobby and Peter telling them to come to Ian’s flat at seven thirty and then, after rooting around drawers to find some paperwork he needed, he sat down in an armchair, grinning at Callum. Callum smiled back and took up his position by the back door.

He and Ben maintained eye contact across the room. It was exciting: looking, sending unspoken messages, not being able to move, almost like an old-fashioned courtship ritual. They were so absorbed in each other that they almost missed Ian stirring. He completely missed them, staggering out of his bedroom and into the bathroom bleary-eyed. On his way out, his eyes widened in alarm as he spotted Ben.

“How did you get in? You better not have broken my door.” Swinging round to examine the back door, he caught sight of Callum.

“Morning, Ian.” Callum had a knack for being quietly intimidating and Ben almost laughed to see Ian pale with fear.

“I’m getting dressed and when I get back out here, you two better not be here.”

“Ooh, shaking in my boots, Ian.” Callum choked on a laugh at Ian’s inability to formulate a response to Ben’s cheek.

While he was getting dressed, Bobby and Peter arrived. Bobby took his place in the armchair, Ben guarding the front door, Callum guarding the back door. As Ian exited the bedroom, Peter took his place standing across the bedroom and bathroom doors. There was absolutely nowhere for Ian to run.

Looking around at all the blocked exit points, reluctantly, he sat on the settee.

“So what is this? An intervention?” For somebody so clearly without the upper hand, he didn’t seem to be able to keep his mouth shut.

“We’re all leaving today.” Bobby watched Ian heave a sigh of relief. “We’re not telling you where we’re going because we don’t want to see you again. Not for ten years. That’s what Phil got and we think you’re just as bad as him. We’ll keep in touch with Sharon and, in ten years, you can ask her where we are. She’s not going to tell you unless you have changed your ways.”

“You’ve got no-one, Dad. Sons, grandson, mum, brother, niece – gone. No friends. No respect.” He waited for a reaction from Ian. Nothing. “You need to change, Dad. And the first thing you’ll do to show us that you’re taking us seriously and care enough to want us back in your life one day, is pass the stall on to Martin.”

Ian looked up surprised. He hadn’t been expecting for his penance to start immediately.

“Why would I do that?”

Ben handed him the paperwork for the stall.

“Because we’re asking nicely.” Ian gulped as he saw Ben’s serious face. Ben was a Mitchell after all and Ian didn’t want to be asked not nicely. He looked through the papers and smirked.

“It needs more than this, you idiot. You need a deed to transfer ownership.”

“Oh yes, that.” Ben pulled a document from his coat pocket. After the police station yesterday, he had visited Ritchie, the Mitchell family brief. “Get signing.” He handed Ian the paper and a pen.

“Again, why would I do this?”

“Because mum wants you to do it.” Ben knew this would affect Ian. Seemingly without conscience about all of his other misdeeds, stealing from Kathy was the one thing he genuinely regretted. Staring coolly at Ben for a prolonged moment, he finally sighed heavily and signed the papers, holding them out to Ben.

“Oh, they’re not for me. We want to see you hand these to Martin. It will be a good way to finish this.” The five of them traipsed outside and over to the fruit and veg stall.

“Alright, what’s going on family?” Martin’s question was flippantly thrown out but he actually looked a little nervous.

“Stall’s yours.” The muttered words couldn’t be heard as Ian thrust the documents at Martin, giving Ben a dirty scowl. Martin looked at Ben interestedly and then read the papers. Ian’s scowling face told Martin that he hadn’t done this willingly.

“You’re transferring the stall to me? Why?”

“Out of the goodness of my heart.”

“You must have had to search hard for that.” Martin winked at Ian and then laughed delightedly. “Well cheers Ian. And the rest of you. I reckon you might have had something to do with it. So happy Christmas family. Come on, bring it in, family hug.”

Sharon was in The Vic flat looking at the five young men bundled together, playfully jabbing each other and giggling. Ian was not included, standing apart. For a moment her heart went out to him, his sadness was so clear, then she remembered that this was the only way back for him. Time would tell.

Casting a farewell glance back at the square, Ben slung an arm around Bobby.

“Home?”


	11. Loving Just Loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another little smut warning - I don't think I write enough to label the fic explicit but if it was all this it probably should be, so skip to the first +++ if it's not your thing.
> 
> This is the end and, as always, I'm already feeling bereft. Finishing a story is always the worst bit for me. Writing is a massively self-indulgent process, usually writing the world and relationships as I would have them because it makes me feel happy. If a bit of that happiness is transferred to readers, I am thrilled. Thank you to everybody who has taken the time to comment. Your words mean a huge amount to me.

Christmas was almost upon them and they were at Callum’s flat for the night, having staggered in after a boozy evening at The Fox. Even though it was two in the morning, they’d decided on a bath - possibly their decision-making was impaired. The big bath was always a pleasure for them, laying together in the warm water. Ben was enjoying being washed, Callum’s huge hands covering every inch of him as the washing turned into caressing and Ben felt Callum harden underneath him. He groaned with anticipation. Then he felt Callum’s fingers around him, cupping his balls and stroking towards his hole.

“Callum, baby, I love that.”

“Yeah, I know. What was it you promised me once? I was going to be a quivering wreck?”

Ben twisted his head to look at his boyfriend.

“Are you suggesting I haven’t delivered?”

Callum kissed the questioning mouth continuing his attentions with his hand, now pressing against Ben’s hole, pushing the rim with a finger.

“You HAVE delivered and some. I’m just thinking I can do the same for you.”

Ben was moaning prettily with his head thrown back against Callum’s shoulder and his back arched in pleasure but his eyes pinged open at this and he scrambled out of the bath dragging Callum with him.

“Bedroom, now!”

They hit the bed with Callum grabbing the lube from the bedside drawer and bringing it to their tangled bodies.

“You’re topping?” Ben wanted to check. This wasn’t something they’d done before.

It was Callum’s turn to check. “How do you feel about that?”

“Yeah, good, definitely good. Let’s go!”

Callum giggled at Ben’s impatience and got to work, enjoying Ben’s gasps as he opened him up.

“Aargh, that there, that.” Ben was almost twisting himself inside out. Callum kept working, using two fingers then three, all the time nibbling at Ben’s chest, licking teasing circles around his nipples and smiling at him like he was completely besotted when they caught each other’s eyes.

Ben was on a mission, clearly knowing how he wanted this, moving pillows and arranging himself. Callum couldn’t help but laugh.

“Bossy!”

“Shut up and fuck me.”

They were face to face, Ben’s legs raised high and Callum had an overwhelming urge to look after him, make this what he wanted. As he entered, he felt the tight heat of Ben surrounding him and a similar sensation to his legs giving way swept through him.

“Take your time, baby, you’re doing great.” Ben sensed his swoon and kissed him passionately, bringing him back to the present moment. Callum focused on Ben and thrust gently, then moved deeper inside, picking up when Ben’s breath hitched, when he gasped and moaned, knowing what took him further. He increased the energy of his thrusts realising immediately that this was good for Ben as a stream of appreciative expletives flowed from him. They had a beautiful rhythm going, gripping each other, hands groping sweaty bodies and Callum felt the euphoria blossoming deep in his core, pulsing out in waves through his body. He reached for Ben and, through pure instinct, fisted him in unison with his thrusts. The wave rolling through him reached his extremities, his skin tingling like it was about to set alight, his head barely sensible, his cum shooting into Ben. Ben was mewling softly in ecstasy as his own cum spilled out over Callum’s hands. After a precious prolonged moment of savouring the bliss, Callum withdrew, lowered Ben’s legs and lay on top of him wanting to be as close as he could get.

“Fuck, Callum.” Ben was sticky with cum and sweat and he was struggling to get his breath back and holding onto Callum as though his life depended on it. He could feel Callum’s hot breath on his neck, erratic and fast, gradually slowing as he regained his natural tempo. The breath turned into tender kisses then Callum rolled off Ben and pulled him up, pushing him back towards the bathroom.

“Not enough hot water for another bath but a wash, yeah?”

It was exquisite and Ben just stood there enjoying the attention, drifting in and out of consciousness, aware only of Callum’s presence. Soon they were back in the bed. He was tired now and snuggled down under the covers.

“When did you change the sheet, babe?”

Callum laughed. “You stood there just now and watched me do it.”

“I’m sleepy, babe.” Callum pulled him in and scattered kisses, not caring that Ben wouldn’t feel them as he was already snoozing. He couldn’t sleep himself. Having Ben inside him was wonderful but being inside Ben had been extraordinary. As he let his mind spin around their amazing sexual chemistry, it came to rest on what they were doing right now, simply resting in each other’s arms, making him wish Ben was awake – his chatter and teasing were the only things that might improve this moment. This was his favourite thing.

+++

Earlier, when they had raised a glass, several glasses, with friends at The Fox, Callum had relished the warmth and vitality of belonging. It stood in stark contrast to their evening in The Vic in Walford just a few evenings earlier and he had watched Ben, laughing and teasing, completely relaxed, a different person here in Edenfield, freed to be the person he really was. Mick had done his usual lock-in for his small group of friends, Linda had put music on and they had danced and laughed until the early hours. Kat had been allowed to stay with Mick eliciting a promise that she would keep her big mouth shut about it. Her usual drinking hole was The Oak yet she had come down to The Fox especially to wish Callum a happy Christmas, a small act but it had reduced Callum to sentimental mush, as he insisted on kissing her under the mistletoe and holding her tight for much longer than was fitting. She cast an embarrassed glance at Ben who was watching the scene, highly amused. He loved soppy, drunk Callum.

Lola also usually frequented The Oak but had turned up at The Fox. Like Callum, she observed Ben’s happiness. That he was head over heels in love with Callum sang as loudly as him as he warbled along to the Christmas tunes and she found herself crying, suddenly emotional about how well things had worked out for them. Both Ben and Callum spotted her and were there in a heartbeat, both gathering her up in their arms.

“Just … so happy … happy for you.” Lola could hardly speak for weeping and laughing. She held Ben’s face. “You found it then? The elusive big love.”

“I did.” He kissed her forehead and held her tight, then gazed at Callum, their eyes tethered together as Lola slipped away from their moment. The lights, the music and the laughter danced around them, spinning a bright bauble just for them.

“I love you, Callum. It’s big and bright and beautiful. Everything I’ve ever wanted and more.” Ben’s eyes glistened with emotion. “I know I shouldn’t say it for the first time when I’m drunk but I WILL tell you again in the morning.”

Callum was close to tears himself, almost unable to cope with the amount of love he was feeling, and rested his forehead on Ben’s.

“I know it’s true, Ben, drunk or sober. I’ve been looking for … what was it? … the elusive big love? … for half my life. And this, you and me, this is it.”

They kissed, lips lingering tenderly on lips, hands on the back of their heads, holding them steady, bodies pressed together, deepening the kiss and not wanting to stop. Their friends watched fondly.

“Okay, now you’ve attended the kissing masterclass, that’s how I want to be kissed.” Linda slid an affectionate arm around Mick’s waist and smiled up at him.

“Yeah, me too.” Honey couldn’t tear her eyes away and Jay rolled his eyes at her wistful tone.

“I’m happy to live vicariously. Don’t need a man messing up my life.” Shirley had never found the big love and had stopped looking but she was enjoying watching the growing love between Callum and Ben. Lola and Kat nodded along with her. They were both happy as they were and neither of them was looking for the big love. Friendship was at the top of their wish list and Ben and Callum provided that: warm, loving, genuine friendship.

Lying in their bed, Ben fast asleep and curled into him, Callum thought excitedly about the next few days. It was now early in the morning of Christmas Eve. Callum was opening his shop today, closing early afternoon, and then he was going to stay at Ben’s for five nights. They spent every night together already but it was always a night or two at one of their places and then they swapped. Five nights was different somehow.

His flat and the shop and Ben’s house were all gaudily lit up with Christmas lights. Maybe they had gone a bit over the top. The fridges and larder cupboards in both homes were full of food – they hadn’t quite addressed the issue of where they were going to put it all in Ben’s house. Presents had been bought, wrapped and placed lovingly under the ridiculously large Christmas tree at Ben’s. Callum was filled with heady anticipation for what felt like his first proper Christmas.

His childhood Christmases were best forgotten and, as an adult, he had been alone either literally or sitting on a sofa in somebody else’s house knowing he didn’t belong. Last year, he had been with Stuart and they had argued, a heated, bitter spat that had left them both feeling they had nothing more to say to each other. Callum resolved to call Stuart on Christmas Day and wish him well.

It had been an especially good night and Callum fell asleep comforted by the love and friendship in his life.

+++

Ben woke first, his headache pounding and nausea threatening to overcome him. He padded through to the kitchen and drank several glasses of water, took painkillers and made coffee. Pulling clothes on, adding several extra layers, he slipped out of the French doors onto the balcony and turned on the heater. It was still dark outside, enveloped by the familiar quiet; he couldn’t see a light on in any other house. He listened carefully, hearing the owls. Thinking back to his declaration of love, he winced. He’d wanted to save it for a special, romantic moment dreaming that Callum would say it back – there was no doubt in Ben’s mind that Callum loved him – but, instead, he’d blurted it out when he was drunk. Maybe he should stop waiting for the right times for grand gestures. He had been so keen that Callum like his home that he had wanted to present it on a special occasion; in the end, Callum had first seen it as they dropped in to collect something. He had been planning his love declaration for ages now but, last night, it had slipped out when he was drunk. He sighed heavily.

“Big sigh. What’s the matter?” Callum was out on the balcony, seemingly dressed in every item of clothing he could find topped with a couple of blankets.

“The heater’s on.” Ben smiled at him. “Come here.” Callum was bigger than Ben, so sitting on Ben’s knee was awkward. “On second thoughts, you sit down first.” They swapped over and Callum wrapped his blankets around them both.

“So what was the sigh for?”

“Me. I’m trying too hard to impress you and get everything right. I want you to know the best of me. Then, if we don’t work out, I’ll know I gave it my very best shot.”

Callum brought his knees up and wrapped the blankets tighter, holding Ben securely against him.

“That sounds like you don’t think you’re enough. So, let’s be clear. You’re enough. You’re more than enough. I don’t need you to put on a show or give me the edited highlights. I love you. I love you exactly as you are.”

Ben lifted his face. “I love you.”

It didn’t need any more than that.

+++

Lexi had announced her disbelief in Santa but still got up before dawn on Christmas morning bringing her stocking into Ben and Callum so that they could witness her surprise and delight. When she had opened everything, she chatted relentlessly about what Santa might have left in the living room.

“Thought you didn’t believe in Santa.” Ben was still a little sad about this.

“I don’t. You don’t either but you still talk about what Santa has left.”

Ben frowned at the unassailable logic and Callum smothered a laugh.

“Do you think Nanny will be awake?”

“Yes.”

Callum shoved Ben in disbelief as Lexi disappeared.

“Really? What if your mum is not awake?”

“Oh come on, she’ll love to have her granddaughter jumping all over her bed and talking the ears off her. It’s what Christmas is all about.” He wriggled down under the covers, signalling his intention to go back to sleep but Callum had different ideas.

“As we’re up, I have a present I want to give you in private.”

Ben gave up his slumber aspirations and heaved himself to sitting as Callum pulled a small, elegantly wrapped box from his bedside table.

“Don’t panic. I’m not proposing.”

Ben almost admitted he wouldn’t have panicked.

He took the parcel and unwrapped it, opening the box slowly to reveal a wide platinum ring. He glimpsed the engraved words on the inside of the band and squinted to read the tiny script.

“It flew over me silently and then I saw it.” He slipped it onto his left-hand ring finger and snuggled up to Callum holding out his hand like he was admiring a diamond engagement ring. “So, my sexy love-owl, how did you know what size ring to buy?”

“I bought it from that little jewellers in Dunford. He let me borrow his set of measures and I did it while you were asleep.”

“And you chose the left hand?” Callum coloured slightly. He had given this a lot of thought but the jeweller’s advice had been that a promise ring between lovers should be worn on the left hand.

“Yeah. It’s a promise ring. And … it’s where it’s supposed to be worn, I think. But I am worried that people will jump to the wrong conclusion, so when you go downstairs you need to say ‘look at my promise ring from Callum’. Or something.” He was blushing uncontrollably now.

Ben was determined to tease. “It might have been simpler to propose.”

“Yeah it might.” Callum looked a little fed up and Ben relented.

“An owl in flight is our thing; it will always remind me of our first kiss but this, this is like you get that it’s more than that - it’s about love and it means the world to me. Thank you.” He gazed adoringly at Callum and got a similar look in return. “Now … just wait here.” He disappeared out of the bedroom and Callum heard him running down the stairs. When he returned, he was holding a similar sized parcel, less beautifully wrapped. “The Dunford jeweller had the measure of us, I think.” Callum unwrapped his present, opening the box to find an almost identical ring, also engraved, and read the inscription.

“You took my breath and gave it back again.” He looked at Ben. “Sneaky chap. He’s made us a pair of promise rings without either of us knowing.”

Ben had also figured out what the jeweller had done.

“He saw my phone lock screen with the photo of us at The Mill Pond. I remember him asking if you were my boyfriend. Then he told me that my words weren’t poetic enough. Not individual he said. He suggested that I come up with a reply to my man talking about our first kiss.”

“Ha! He asked me what my inscription was about and I told him it was a memory of our first kiss. Wow! I bet he had fun with us. But I think it’s romantic what he did. We should go back and thank him. So, what were you going to have the inscription say?”

“Oh, something about finding the love of my life …”

“Yeah, not exactly original.” Callum laughed at Ben’s affronted expression and twisted the ring on Ben’s finger.

“Oi! I think you mean heartfelt.” Ben swung over to straddle Callum. “You are the love of my life.” He ran a tender finger around the ring on Callum’s finger. “But these words are about that moment when I knew you were the one.” He stared down at Callum almost shyly. Callum smiled softly.

“Same. Mine was really about the first moment I realised I loved you. I’d already fallen for you but that kiss was the moment I knew you were for me.”

+++

The Christmas weather was perfect with crisp blue skies and icy weather making everything crunch underfoot. Kathy and Bobby stayed for a few days with Kathy in the library and Bobby in a room behind the library that Ben and Lola called ‘The Loft’ because it stored everything they would keep in a loft if they had one.

Every day brought on eating too much, tramping through the countryside on long walks, playing games and lounging in front of the television. Callum thought it was absolutely perfect.

He planned to open his shop again on the twenty-ninth to get three days trade in before another three days off. Ben was opening his garage then as well. Christmas Day and New Year’s Day on a Saturday did not help the self-employed. They had both decided that in the future they were going to get Keegan and Kat to cover their respective businesses on Saturdays to give them the whole weekend with Lexi but neither of their staff wanted to work Christmas week so these three days were down to them.

The night of the twenty-eight came around too fast for Callum. It had been a wonderful few days, being part of a family, sharing in the warmth and affection. It hadn’t been like he was a guest here and he wondered if any of them had any idea how much it meant to him. As he lay in bed, snuggled up with Ben, who for once wasn’t talking, he tried to rationalise his low mood. Life couldn’t be a constant Christmas. Given the lack of chatter, he wondered if Ben felt the same.

“You’re quiet.”

“Yeah.”

They fell into silence again.

“You’re quiet as well.”

“Yeah. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. We’re always together here or at my place. We have three meals a day together. So why do I feel like I’m going to miss you?”

Ben moved back a little so that he could see Callum’s face, reaching across and holding his cheek. To his horror, Callum realised he was going to cry. He didn’t want to end this perfect time with tears.

“I’ve never had a good Christmas so I’m bound to be sad it’s over. That’s what it is.” He wasn’t sobbing but the tears were rolling down his face. Ben shuffled closer and gently rubbed them away.

“Callum, babe.” He peered at Callum wondering if he was listening.

“What?”

“Let’s move in together. Live together properly, officially.”

“Here?”

“Yes, here. We could live in our country pile but still have our little crash pad in town.” Callum had to laugh at that. “What do you think, babe?”

Callum didn’t need to deliberate over this proposition.

“I think yes.” He cradled Ben’s skull in his hand and kissed him tenderly. Ben’s slight gasp and following moan said everything. Their excitement for the future seeped into their embrace through soft lips and caressing fingers, the roots of their connection reaching deep and holding fast.

“We’re back on fast aren’t we? I love yous, promise rings and moving in together in less than a week.” Ben grinned delightedly at Callum. “It’s perfect.”

+++

Predictably, Lexi was thrilled at the news. She wanted Callum to move in with some ceremony, arriving with a van full of belongings. The reality was that he didn’t have much to move as he already had a substantial amount of his stuff at Ben’s and they were keeping his flat anyway.

He and Ben bought a stunning photograph of a snowy owl in flight and put it in their bedroom. It was their first joint purchase. Then, Lexi persuaded Callum that the colourful cushions she’d seen in the interiors shop in the village were needed for the living room. Following this, she nabbed the rugs from the bedroom in the flat and put them in her own bedroom, promising Callum that she would do her own vacuuming. Bit by bit, his presence in the house increased.

He loved his new family more than he could put into words. He and Ben were in love and living together served to strengthen their connection. At first, Lexi expected Callum’s undivided attention and he happily obliged until Ben took her to task for being high maintenance.

“Callum did not move in to be your personal assistant.”

“You can’t have him all to yourself, Daddy. He lives with all of us.”

“As it happens, I can speak for myself.” Callum laughed at their surprised faces. “I’m doing my best to make sure you both get enough of me. Let me manage it. Let me decide.” Things settled down after that.

The person Callum was most anxious about was Lola. Since he had moved in, it felt like she was rarely around and he was worried that she felt pushed out. He wanted her to be relaxed about living with him.

One day, she came to sit with them in the living room.

“I just want to make things really clear. I used to live in Ben’s house. Now it’s your home, both of you. You don’t have to have me as a lodger. We could share the care of Lexi, do half a week each. Or alternate weeks.”

Callum was distraught.

“Am I making you feel unwelcome?”

Lola jumped up and sat on the arm of the sofa next to him, putting her arm around him and resting her face on top of his head.

“Not at all. I love being with you here.”

“Then why do you want to move out?” Callum looked up at Lola. Ben watched, understanding that this was between Lola and Callum and figuring that Lola would have to be blind not to see what Callum wanted.

“I want to give you the option of not having me here.”

“But we still have the option of having you here as well?”

“Yes but …”

“Then that’s the one we take. If you want to stay here, live in our house with us, then that’s what we want. Actually it’s what I want whether or not you want to stay. Although, of course, I would always respect what you wanted …”

Lola was laughing now.

“Callum, stop! I’m staying.”

+++

Time marched on and now it had been almost a year since Callum had arrived in Edenfield and the turnaround in his life couldn’t have been more stark. He and Ben had a life rich with family and friends and they were together, soulmates, lovers, best friends. With every moment they spent together, more threads of life were woven into the fabric of their connection. Not only was it strong, it was beautiful because Ben and Callum understood that the response to pain and trauma was hope and love, and their life together was full of that.

Today was a big day. They were having a birthday party. Lola and Lexi had done most of the planning, the house was full of balloons, the garden was full of strings of lights and drinks and food filled every surface in the kitchen and dining area.

Ben and Callum were upstairs in their dressing room getting ready.

“You look great.” Callum looked admiringly at Ben in his grey trousers and white shirt, smiling as Ben peacocked in front of the tall mirror – he knew he was looking fine. Ben grinned at Callum’s reflection.

“You do as well, babe.” He turned and sauntered over to Callum, causing his heart to do a quick somersault, and ran his hands down Callum’s light blue shirt, skimming his hips encased in tight jeans. Callum instantly moved back.

“We have NOT got time.” Laughing at Ben’s sulky pout, he stepped back in and gave him a loving kiss. “Well maybe enough time for this.” Hands on Ben’s backside, pulling him in to ensure closeness, he deepened the kiss and was rewarded by a little moan from Ben. Callum’s heart soared; he still had to pinch himself every day that he had found Ben. Ben was having a similar moment, unable to grasp that he had somebody as amazing as Callum in his arms. They eventually pulled apart, still holding hands, each rubbing a thumb over the other’s promise ring as they gazed into each other’s eyes.

“I love you so much.” Ben’s eyes sparkled with devotion as he uttered his declaration.

“I love you too.” Callum’s face lit up as his huge smile stretched across it. “Let’s go and celebrate us, shall we?”

They arrived in the living room to find Lola smiling and Lexi impatiently waiting.

“What took you so long? Mummy wouldn’t let me come and hurry you up. I don’t know why not.” Lola grinned at them both knowingly behind Lexi’s back.

“Can’t you see how good we look? It takes time to achieve this level of cuteness.” Ben took some time to walk around Lexi appraisingly. “So I’m not sure how you managed to get yourself looking so beautiful in so little time.” Lexi beamed happily at the compliment and swirled into an extravagant spin to show off her dress, tiered layers of pale pink chiffon and soft feathers shimmering outwards, her blonde curls floating above it all.

“Gorgeous princess.” Callum took one of her hands and twirled her around again much to her delight. Lola captured it in a photo, one of many that were to be taken over the course of the party.

The guests soon arrived and the house became full of chatter and music.

Kat brought her three boys to the party: Tommy, who was a year older than Lexi, and twins, Bert and Ernie, a few years younger.

“She seriously named her children after muppets?” Kathy was appalled.

The boys were dressed up for the occasion with smart shirts and ties and were clearly on their best behaviour. Callum could see them watching Lexi and Honey’s young teenagers, Janet and Will, who were currently marauding around the garden.

“You can go out and play. Just put your coats on – it’s colder than it looks out there.” Bert and Ernie didn’t need any encouragement and scuttled off quickly. Callum picked up that Tommy had something to say and guided him towards the dessert table so they could chat over sweets.

“Have you got something on your mind, Tommy?”

Tommy looked through to the living room to check that his mum was still busy talking. He cleared his throat nervously.

“Er … yes … er … well … thank you … for giving my mum a job.” He looked up at Callum beseechingly. “I’m only eleven and I don’t think you’re allowed to give me a proper job but maybe, if there’s a job I can do, you could give me a job and not tell anybody.” He looked uncertain for a moment. “It’s just … well … I’m not all that good at reading. Dyslexic.” Callum’s empathy was at full throttle. Here was a little lad worrying that there was not enough money at home; he could relate to that.

“I’ve got a better idea, Tommy.” As luck would have it, he and Kat had already reached an agreement that she would increase her hours; Callum needed more time for his rare books which had turned out to be more profitable than the shop. “So, your mum could work more hours in the shop and I can help you with your reading so that when you are old enough to get a job, you’ll have more choices. How does that sound?” The sight of Tommy’s face looking up at him, gratitude written all over it, would stay with Callum forever.

“Tommy, are you coming out?” Lexi’s voice boomed across the kitchen. Tommy held out his hand seriously and Callum shook it.

“Deal.” Tommy was soon gone but he had left Callum with a feeling of belonging to this community that was lodged in his heart. He let himself out of the back door quietly and walked to the lane, taking a moment to himself reminding himself that this really was his life. Coming back through the gate, he stopped to watch the children and then, through the big window, caught sight of Ben dancing.

It wouldn’t have been a party involving Ben if there wasn’t dancing and Callum was enchanted to see him with his mum as he entered the living room; it wasn’t just his looks he’d inherited from Kathy – she was a great dancer and, for a moment, Callum could imagine a young Ben dancing full of joy with his mum, unencumbered by the losses and hardships that were to come later. Bobby joined them, clearly possessing the family dancing gene, and for the first time ever, Callum saw his face free of concern. Bobby and Ben dancing together was something special and, seeing her eyes fill with emotion, Callum approached Kathy and pulled her into a dance hold.

“I’m not great at this but Ben’s been teaching me a bit.” He didn’t have to worry; Kathy was expert enough to keep them on track. As they moved around, he could see Ben now dancing with Lola and Bobby with Lexi, the six of them staying close, wanting to be near each other.

“This is our family, Callum. I’m so proud of us.” Kathy smiled at Callum as she spoke, ignorant of the warmth blossoming inside him. “Happy Birthday love.” He thought he just might melt with pleasure. Their family. His family.

The party atmosphere relaxed as darkness settled in. The children went into the library to play board games and bit by bit guests drifted home until only the crew from the Fox and Kat and Lola remained. Callum and Ben kept them well plied with drinks and snacks and everybody got increasingly sozzled. Except for Kat, they were all from East London and the conversation moved on to why they had all moved. There was a common theme – they had all needed a fresh start – and it tied them together, solidifying their bonds. As he had felt with Tommy earlier, Callum had a sense that he was in the right place and that he belonged.

When everybody had gone later that evening, Lola persuaded Callum and Ben to spend the night at the flat.

“Lex and me are going to do all of the tidying up tomorrow so don’t come back until after lunchtime.”

They set off, the darkness complete with the new moon, infinite stars studding the sky, and stopped to listen to the silence, wrapped in each other’s arms, cheek to cheek, when a soft swish swooped over them. The owl drifted down the hill and they watched it go, majestically owning the night. It would never be anything less than awesome and Callum and Ben were dumbstruck as they watched.

When all was still once more, they gazed at each other, eyes belonging to each other, seeing that this was it for them. They wanted so much to be together, to build their lives around each other, to make a commitment to their future.

“Callum baby, I’m yours, you’re mine. Ours is the love we were born for – this is it.”

“I know. We’re meant for each other.”

“Forever?” They held hands and eyes, making their promises.

“Forever.”


End file.
